N109 Zone
Thread Topic: N109 Zone
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Being talented never makes up for being alone. I just wish I could find more friends in my area so I could get out and do things. It's a lonely world out there.
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What if I just looked around for the hell of it? I dont expect anything, so I cant be let down.
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I feel depressed.
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Ugh. I remember last semester one of my professors reported me to the council because my grades were so bad. The art history i just barely passed and didnt even know I passed until months later. I took the test and thought I failed that s---, so I just didnt bother to check my grade. Anyways, she told the school she was concerned about my wellness because I was doing poorly. I told her because she asked before then what was going on. I wasnt doing well in remembering terminology, work was kind of giving me a hard time, and I was going through a complete medicine change all at once.
Apparently that made her think I was in serious trouble that I needed to go to the hospital???
I told her I wasnt doing the best BUT I was already in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for the medicine adjustments.
Idk. It reminds me of that one therapist who sent me to the ER when I said, "Earlier I was terrible, but im okay now". My problem was literally over 12 hours prior to us meeting.
I'm glad my current therapist understands the difference between active and passive issues. -
What am I doing anything for?
It's just a lonely world. A rat race i can never win. -
Yeah. I think after last night, my therapist will be hearing from me cause what the actual s---, man? I put up with that for a year and a half for what? Ruined my sleep because I was just up and confused and not angry, but just. Idk. Like, there is so much i want to say but also, i didnt feel like wasting my breath on them. I didnt even realize how long it's been because I was introduced to them in November 2024. And I dont even talk to the person who introduced us either cause they were buying substances for minors and mocking everyone else's religions and triggers but playing victim if someone mentioned theirs. Those two got into it and I was put in the middle of it. I ultimately blocked the first person after finding out what they had been doing. So then I stuck with the second person and we made a server for close friends only. We were originally in the server with the first person and their close friends. Everyone in the server had DID or OSDD, and so it was helpful when I didnt know much because I was able to ask questions and they would help me find grounding skills to help with switching or help me learn who switched by logging current mood and desires or interests. It did help me to become a little more cohesive until I found a therapist who specialized in DID/OSDD. But then I noticed the group started becoming angry about nothing all the time. Like if someone said they didnt understand something, they would immediately get called ableist. They also made it a point to never acknowledge that one alter and another alter were parts of the same person, which further creates a divide in dissociative barriers. Then I found out some of them were under the age of legal use and were posting pictures of them using these things. I left because I couldn't do anything else. It was a horrible community and I felt like that person liked collecting people who had DID too. When I told them my therapist first suspected DID or OSDD, they were like, "I knew it. I saw when you would switch in the car." That is not something you should ever hope on someone or say. You could say, "you did seem distant and struggle to remember things." But you dont straight up tell someone you knew they had DID. At any rate, I do not have DID. I have OSDD. Similar, but not the same. This is the biggest reason why my amnesia is less than major aspects like my own body name, age, and past. I can remember I was at home if I didnt work, but from 12 to 3, I wouldn't be able to tell you what I did if i had an episode.
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Sadness.
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I lied. I did have an episode all last month. Nobody noticed though, at least I dont think. But I was doing a lot of s---. Felt like a car running on E but I couldnt stop until I flatlined.
Running the server, increased engagement, highly creative and full of ambition ecen though i had no experience in s---. Yeah....it just didnt put me in the hospital. But I had horrible mood swings and social paranoia, which is why I kept taking breaks every few days from talking to the people I was mostly around. And everyone made me angry. And I didnt eat much.
I forget when I'm in a high or dont always recognize it if it's not me being super happy. It sometimes feels more like anxiety is driving it or an itch that I cant scratch. -
Maybe it's okay to just sit and not be productive right now.
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Am I going to regret this? It was an accident. 🤣ðŸ˜
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