N109 Zone
Thread Topic: N109 Zone
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Because I can never do anything right. Did you really need to raise your voice at me over a f---ing washing machine?
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It's hard to not think about just disappearing one day.
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Never mind.
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I'm not even hungry. I'm just really upset.
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I kind of dont feel good, mentally. Idk what happened. Like thoughts at lightning speed, and I guess one of them sucked real bad. Idk man.
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My head feels bad.
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Hey, what's really going on? Are we okay?
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I feel like i need to go cry for a while. Idk what's happening, world.
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I cant say anything and it hurts.
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I realize I have no one to talk to about any of this. My therapist on Friday, but what good does that do? I'll just end up in the same cycle. Idk. It was a serious dig at my mental health, my stability, my hard work over the years, and I can't get it off my mind now.
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In 2024, I got an accomodation at work to have my earbuds on to help with the dissociation. I'd been so normal in my eyes for months. Our current host stayed at front to the point where any other part that came forward just felt like a thought or a mood rather than a part, so I doubted they existed again. I decided I probably didnt need music today and I went three hours into my shift before blacking out. I slowed down, started mentally crashing and detaching from the world around me. By the end of the shift, nothing felt real and I remembered pretty much none of it.
Now I feel so blurry. -
I didnt forget the day I checked in and found people talking about their "problematic" sourced alters and somehow switching on cue whenever that alter was being mentioned so they could talk about themselves. Personally, if we had any problematic sourced alters, which everyone has at least one they personally view as such if they have interject because not every interject is from something you like, I wouldnt be tooting a horn and asking them to switch in to compare whose alter is worse. That's f---ing disgusting. It's not a joke. The entire thing felt performative and counterproductive to unity. And it made our one said member feel weird as hell and like a joke.
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I'm feeling very un-okay right now. Like, s--- from yesterday part 2.
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Stressing me out so I cant sleep. I have nothing to do with whatever the hell is going on. It's been a long f---ing week and stuff is still happening.
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Nobody really knows the amount of effort it takes to not tear myself apart. Figuratively and sometimes literally.
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