N109 Zone
Thread Topic: N109 Zone
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I'm angry. He was getting better. He could've lived.
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If im honest, im only alive because they wont let me go. I dont want to be here. I'm being held against my will, so since im not allowed to die, I just do filler actions, have a job, try to make friends, plan for a future I dont even want.
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Why do I have to pay people to stay alive when I dont even want to be here?
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It's not family or anything that holds me here. It's society and expectations.
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Every time I try to do anything, I just end up with the thoughts again.
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Hungry but also dont want to eat because apparently my stomach wanted to undo eating just now.
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Being alive is just a f---ing subscription you auto enroll in at birth that allows everyone to mooch off you just for breathing the same air they do. Government takes from you every year, employers fill their pockets with your hard work, family and people around you talk about how much they need you despite your suffering. It never ends until you do.
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His lifeless image is still in my head.
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I cant tell if they're knowingly being manipulative or just so far lost right now that they can't see what's going on and they're just deflecting and hell bent on proving they're the victim for people not interacting with them.
Someone i hadn't talked to in almost a year randomly messaged me saying they wanted to be friends again. I was confused because we never stopped, to my knowledge. I just stopped reaching out because they didn't seem to appreciate me. They'd only interact whenever they needed attention. Then I saw their status saying they wanted friends and their status shifted over a course of 30 minutes to being prideful to self-deprecating comments to begging someone to message them.
I straight-up told them that their indirect status posts about people who dont talk to them and baiting about self harm werent going to get my attention and I saw every single one of those status changes each time they did it. Then they wiped their status and tried to defend it as expressing their feelings. Expressing your feelings is saying "I'm lonely. I miss my friends." Not "Please talk to me please talk to me please talk to me" or "If you call yourself my friend, you'd hang out with me. You know who you are."
I told them straight-up that it's clear they're having a breakdown/crisis and need to take a break from the internet until they feel okay or can at least stop broadcasting it out in the open instead of getting professional help or talking to someone directly. But then they got defensive and started putting words in my mouth saying I didnt want them to express themselves. Then they sent a bunch of "im a disappointment. You dont want to be my friend" messages and deleted them and said "I'm okay." Like, I get it. Intrusive/impulsive thoughts happen. I mentally and inwardly go through a lot of the same feelings, but the difference is what you do with them. Over time, being in therapy has taught me to find places to express all of these thoughts so that I'm not dumping them on the person and protecting a false narrative onto them. Doing so can be manipulative and disrespectful even if you don't think about it. Clearly anyone taking the time to talk to you in the first place has some sort of concern for you, so the "you dont want to talk to me" thing is a blatant lie and disregard for the time they're giving you. I told them the things I do to help myself cope, and I told them some skills i learned in therapy. I also gave them the hotline info. But despite all of that, they just kept saying sorry and repeating that they'll never get better and cant get better, which doesnt pardon their actions. It just pisses me off because they think that gives them a pass to not even try. I often feel like I wont get any better, too, but I still try because it's not anyone else's responsibility to be accountable for the s--- I do or dont do, in this case. When I told them I saw all the s--- they were saying to pressure people into interacting with them, they tried to say they didnt do that and they dont even have anyone to vaguely put on blast. But when I showed the receipt of their most recent baiting post, they went silent and still havent replied. While it wasnt directed towards me, it was clearly made to provoke people to speak to them. But it backfired and they blocked them instead.
I tried to explain why people are blocking them and dropping off or ignoring them, but they just keep going "Im a bad person. You dont want to be my friend. I wish you still wanted to talk to me. Life is like this every day." I'm literally giving you the answer to why it's like this and how to help it, and you're like, "nah, f--- that. It's too late. I'll just keep self-destructing."
There has to be some point where you become painfully aware of what you're doing wrong. There just has to be. -
Oh my god. All of that just for them to say, I just wanted to hang out again.
Bro, like I said the very first message, "I was here. Figured you'd come back if you were interested/had time/felt better."
I never blocked them or said we weren't friends. I just stopped interacting because they stopped.
And now they want me to make a compelling argument as to why we should stay friends. Bro, I'm too old for this. Either we start over or you block me. I literally will not be offended either way. I feel like they're expecting a show out of me, but i really don't have any grand gestures to give and I especially dont try to convince people to hang around if im the older one, even if im not that much older. Like, do whatever, man. If you feel like being around me isnt good for whatever you're looking for, you do you. I'm sorry i couldn't help, but that's pretty much it. Otherwise just act normal and stop using guilt to try to strike up a conversation. I keep saying all you had to do was come talk if you wanted to talk. -
Oh s---. It's midnight.
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I do not feel well. I feel like i need to go somewhere and t---- up.
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I miss him. I accidentally clicked the page when I last mentioned what happened. Sometimes when I go to sleep, I can still see him in the tank, the way I found him that morning. I feel like crying.
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I dont know if im just tired or if i hate being alive, but I hate being alive right now.
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There is actually a reason why I'm bad at reading conversations to do with empathy.
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