N109 Zone
Thread Topic: N109 Zone
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I dont even want to f---ing do anything anymore.
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Sometimes I feel like it's my fault for being alive. Actually, a lot of times.
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That's why i tried to not be alive. Several times. Any time im alive and enjoying anything now, I feel guilty because I probably should be dead or doing something super serious. Or something bad is about to happen.
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Last night, I didnt even sleep but a total of 2 hours. I kept waking up feeling sick because I was so stressed and my adrenaline and cortisol were still going in my sleep. Or trying to start back as soon as i woke up.
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Dont read that. What are you doing? Don't read that so loud, he's going to hear y-
Oh, and there he is. -
Nauseous.
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And people still wonder why I wanted to kill myself.
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To think all of that happened because I wasnt coherent enough to do medicine conversion. If I wasnt here to need help, it wouldnt have happened.
It's hard not to think about that. -
By the f---ing way, the reason I didnt trust myself to do "second grade math" on pain medication was that I didnt want to f--- up and overdose because I have (undiagnosed but recognized by my college) dyscalculia on top of being so out of it that I spent 50 dollars on a bill date that was not even today after reading over it several times.
So on top of just being disoriented, I'm literally not able to do basic math without getting mixed up sometimes, especially when it's conversions. -
Genuinely worries me that i was lost in limbo or sleep or something from 11am to 1:30pm and nobody checked on me.
I dont remember what happened. -
Apparently I posted something here before blacking out, but 11 was the last time anyone publicly saw me.
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Idk if this is attempt 2 or three at eating, but here we go again. Last time was...not great.
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There was a man at the school I graduated from at 19. He shared a name with an actor.
When we met, he said i had a beautiful name. He kept saying that. At some point, he called me. He got my number, he said, from my school records and told me to call him if i ever needed anything. He would say that he would bend over backwards for a girl with my name. He would always sit closest to me during tutoring. One day, i was supposed to go in the evening alone, and i was scared because of the comments he was making. That was probably one of the most terrifying moments of my life.
He was in his 70s... -
It bothers me because I didnt say or do anything because I was too scared. And now he's just out there probably doing the same s---.
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I'm incomplete through this broken window
Your vision keeps me lost in limbo...
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