alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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Thanks, I appreciate that :) gn !
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Constant extreme mood swings are so exhausting,
I don’t understand how my brain gets to randomly flick a switch and suddenly everything is bad or I’m on the most euphoric high -
*believe
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On a happy high at the moment
I was so productive today, I read and painted and practiced my clarinet and my video got a lot of likes and I get to hyperfixate on my OC while people talk about it ah life is good -
Nice
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I hate this. I was on a euphoric high all throughout the day, everything was awesome, then one person said one thing and all of a sudden it all sucked
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I think the depression was masking my autism traits. When I felt depressed and I was at a severe low I was overthinking everything so I didn’t miss social cues because of how much I overthought every little thing everyone said. When I’m feeling euphoric I miss more social cues and I stim a lot more, talking to strangers is so much harder because I’m actually trying to put in effort to be perceived as an okay human especially when they go off-script (and when I’m on a high I ACTUALLY talk to strangers) and I rant and trip over my words when I’m mildly excited, and I get excited about little things like jars. I don’t know if those are actually autistic traits but I definitely need to do another assessment with my therapist, I’ve noticed a lot more traits since school ended and I went on a higher dose of antidepressants
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Ig didn’t really know how good I was at the social stuffs because I was too depressed to socialise. The only people I talked to were the people I knew how to talk to. Now that it’s holidays, and I get really happy over the holidays, I venture into the world and actually try to talk to strangers, get too nervous and miss all cues and panic when they go off script (a cashier asked me for a name for my order before asking if it was takeaway or not like I was planning smh so I panicked and said “Alec”)
Also I’m missing more sarcasm because I’m not depressed enough to overthink every little thing everyone says (I got upset when my sister said I couldn’t use her pen and got annoyed when I got confused as to why)
Also I infodump and over share on silly little quiz sites when I’m giddy so huzzah
I scored like 21 on the autism test when the threshold for “hey you definitely have autism” was 23 when I was at my absolutely lowest so I think I’m going to have to retake it -
I told her this would happen. I literally told her the world was falling apart and she didn’t listen
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Today can be a depression day. A day for me to wallow because good god
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Today was weird
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That doctor’s appointment was s---
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“Oh my child isn’t neurodivergent, I know they eat the same meal every day for breakfast and cry if they can’t use their special mug and freak out at every schedule change and have huge ridiculous mood swings but that’s unrelated lol”
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My mother’s really weird about my OCD. I don’t know if it’s just that she doesn’t see it as a “real” mental illness or if she’s ashamed but she doesn’t realise that it actually has an impact on my life and mental health and I can’t just “be okay” and “not think about it” because it’s literally a disorder that alters my thinking
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It’s so weird seeing my sister turn into everything I’m not. I’m glad she isn’t growing up with the same screaming and all the mental s--- I did, but at the same time I’m jealous because my parents love her even if she messes up and I never got that. Now all of a sudden I have it, but I’m also the perfect child and my mother’s therapist, and they’re significantly more stricter with me
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