alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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i can't think. i forgot my noise cancelling headphones and everything is too loud and too much
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Everything is so much and everything existing at the same time is so overwhelming. I don’t even know what I’m upset about, people expect me to be happy and I just can’t be happy. Everything was great before, but now I’m only 4 days back at school and I’m already getting overwhelmed. I can’t function like everyone else can, my system overwhelms itself too fast and it’s so exhausting
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Nobody believes me when I say school genuinely distresses me. It’s fine for a couple days after a break, but after that, everything turns horrible and I get overwhelmed by everything so quickly when everyone else is fine with it and it’s horrible because nobody believes me when I say that existing in a normal society is making me unable to function
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I don’t know how to explain it. Everything is just so horrible and exhausting. It’s making me overthink and overanalyse everything, which is making my brain all clustered and loud, which is making me even more exhausted. And of course I can’t be as exhausted and sad and tired and overwhelmed as I am in front of other people, because I get irritable and anxious and drive myself crazy from masking.
It feels like burnout but it can’t be, since it’s only been like this for two days at most since school came back. I can’t think of any reason this could be happening -
I’m moving into my dad’s room so me and my sister get to stop sharing, and he’s moving into the bigger guest room, so I was helping him clean up and I found his student ID from when he was my age and oh my god we look literally the same
I love to know that I look like my dad. Hugest gender euphoria -
I’m so f---ing disgusted. I hate my mother. She can scream at me all she wants like she has so many times, but she doesn’t get to scream at my sister.
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Today was awful. I hate this house
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I feel so much rage right now. I’m not an angry person but I feel so vengeful and mad it’s horrid
I’m here parenting my sister and my mother dares yell at me. She dares call herself an amazing parent whilst her daughter cries and I’m the one comforting her.
My sister is perfect. She’s everything I’m not and my parents have always loved her. Yet my mother dares blame her actions on our father and disrespect all of us like that. She thinks she can’t do wrong and that she’s so awesome. If not for her I wouldn’t be as messed up inside
And it makes sense that it happens right before I begin to trust her again. It’s always horrid right after I think it’s going to be okay. Her love is conditional and she makes it clear, god forbid we have issues that billions of people in the world have that she deems “too much”. She’ll snap any time and I can’t deal with it anymore -
aaaaaaaaaaaa
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school is so overwhelming
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My therapist is looking to get me special accomodations at school so huzzah
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I hate this house
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Everything is so tiring. Why can’t I function and live normally when everyone else can. Why does every little thing affect me so much
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I’m tired of being a punching bag for my parents and every teenage boy and popular girls. I’m tired of the constant work when I haven’t even started adulthood yet, so so much stuff to do. I’m tired of trying to fit into a world I clearly don’t belong in and I’m tired of needing friends when nobody needs me. I’m tired of my own thoughts and the horrible things I think. I’m tired of having to be clean all the time and having to do stupid little things just to stay sane and I’m tired of getting overwhelmed so often and so burnt out. I’m tired of living in this stupid vessel
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I’m so tired
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