alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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I hate living in a body. All day I’ve been consumed by I have no idea what. I’m tired and I want every single noise to stop existing and I hate being and I can’t do anything. I’m calling it the Rot
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The Rot is when you feel so horrible inside you can barely move. You’re depressed, you hate everything around you, and you want to take yourself out of your misery by doing something you enjoy or by ending it, but you just can’t. Every noise makes your head ache and every sensation feels horrible. You can’t love or be nice or keep your values. You just hate being in a body, hate everything about the world, and you feel helpless and horrible. It occurs to everyone at least once in their lives, some a lot more than others, and you just have to wait for it to pass.
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But without The Rot, nothing can grow
Decay is an essential part of the cycle of death and rebiethy -
rebirth* my keyboard just gave up then
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Boom crash bang day ruined
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It was going so well too
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Maybe I am just faking it
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Today was weird. I got called a slur by a really obnoxious kid in our band. Then he got in trouble by our band teacher. Then my friend got upset at me for gossiping. Then my other friend gave me a hug and told me I deserved good things. Then my moon lamp arrived.
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Anticipatory grief is hitting me like a b---- today
I found out what it was about a week ago and realised that’s what was haunting me in 3rd grade which is so strange -
I also cried because I broke the bathroom lamp cover today. I’m really a mess
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Living good. Vessel bad
I don’t wanna pay to live why can’t I be a bee. Just buzzing around doing the same thing every day and chilling. The only time you talk to people is to discuss where the nearest food source is. Also no men -
im so drained i just can't oh my god
people keep being b----es and i can't stop thinking and i'm just in general exhausted and my ocd is going overboard thinking i have some terminal illness because my hands and wrists are suddenly dry and flaky like they are every winter because i have eczema so i'm washing them a s---ton which is obviously making them worse
i can't stop thinking to the point where i can't think -
Cause a normal human being wouldn’t need, no, to pretend to be normal, to be normal, well I guess that’s the least that I owe ya! To be normal in way that I could never be, yeah. C’mon, c’mon, and love me normally
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I feel like I’m faking a lot of my struggle because of how well I instinctively mask it. I was dying inside literally all day I could feel The Rot spreading through my chest and I could barely think straight but I couldn’t make myself stop smiling and talking all cheery. I told myself “Alexi, stop masking, you’re exhausting yourself and you’re not okay so stop jeez” but I just couldn’t it was so weird. I couldn’t stop pretending that I wasn’t drained and overthinking, I had to be happy and smiley and talking because it’s easier than everything that could come of me being the opposite. And it’s so exhausting and tiring but I just can’t stop. I don’t know what I’m feeling or if my sadness is even real because I constantly HAVE to be happy otherwise I have to physically stop myself from masking, even when I feel safe to unmask, I just can’t and it’s freaking me out because I’ve only just realised I’ve never been able to fully unmask (unless I’m so at my limit that I just can’t and end up blowing up and breaking down) and I can’t understand why
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people keep being mean and i keep being tired
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