alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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I can never seem to be excited for my birthday and I’m not sure why
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I hope that people think about me as much as I think about them
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Dysmorphia has been so horrible today
I only just learnt that’s a symptom of OCD and it makes so much sense oh my god -
Everything today just felt so horrible. I feel like this vessel isn't truly mine. I hate my body and I’m so scared of things happen to it that I don’t know of. Everything just happens without my permission and everything feels weird and gross and itchy and horrible and I’m never comfortable in it. It doesn’t belong to me, and it’s not perfect, and it doesn’t satisfy me. Not in terms of looks just in terms of feelings and s---
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I feel like nothing makes me happy. I’ve been trying to look for stuff to ask for my birthday but nothing is making my excited or happy or just decent it’s freaking me out
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Nothing is fueling my brain. Maybe I’m just understimulated right now. But the OCD s--- has not been good these last few days
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Every day feels like it’s going by so fast
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It’s going by so fast it’s freaking me out man. There’s a week until September, Halloween is just around the corner, wow it’s almost time to go Christmas shopping, happy new year
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I’m so exhausted and I feel so horrid about literally everything and oh my god why must the universe be this way. It’s this never ending paradox. If I die I hurt people knowing I’m the cause of that and knowing I did not make changes to the world and try and eradicate its horrors, but if I live I hurt people by simply existing and have to witness the world’s horrors, unable to do anything about it
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Everything is just bad. Every option is bad. Every day is bad. Everything is made by something bad which makes everything bad and I hate it
Trigger warning
I dissected a sheep heart today and I got so sad and felt horrible but I couldn’t stop looking at it and everyone was talking bad about the sheep heart because it was gross. I had their blood on my jacket and for the rest of the day I felt so horrid like I was aiding in their death and their getting disrespected and I felt so dirty. Then I got pooped on by a bird
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I miss last year. Everything felt better. I didn’t know what I had until I lost it
Now roleplays and hanging out and shopping and easy work feels almost nostalgic. I’m still roleplaying on other sites but idk it’s a weird feeling. Now I don’t do anything and I don’t have anyone to talk to or hang out with and I just Rot in my room feeling horrid. I wish things could go back to the way they were. I would rather be clueless about having no friends, like I was in primary school, than now knowing what I don’t have and missing it so much. I’ve lost a lot of things that I thought would stay witb me forever and I miss when I felt okay -
I feel horrible. Maybe the antidepressants aren’t working after all
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I don’t have anyone. I didn’t have confidence back then either but at least I didn’t realise that what I felt wasn’t just my imagination
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I’m so tired. I don’t know what’s wrong with me
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Pretending everything is fine and that I’m all good is becoming so exhausting for me. I can’t force the words out. I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know what I’m feeling, I don’t know what’s wrong. I want to tell someone so bad but what would I even say
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