alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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My mum: pfft you’re not neurodivergent
Also my mum: haha remember that time you cried at 6 because I tried to put makeup on you/tried to put you in a dress that “felt weird” -
I had another crashout so that’s fun
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Nothing will matter in the end. We’ll all die eventually. Everyone will eventually forget about me and move on. I was never important anyway, so theres just no reason
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It’s been 10 weeks. The meds aren’t working. It’s never going to get better. I’ve been waiting for the past 3 years for it to get better and it hasn’t
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I’m not good at recording my mood changes or whatever. It’s just good feeling and bad feeling. The meds aren’t supposed to make the crippling bad depress-like feelings go away but it isn’t. I’m also supposed to be more energetic but I’m still tired 24/7 like before
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I was still really overwhelmed during band. I have to do a solo in an our new piece
The problem is I learnt music without knowing the names of the notes. I can play a high G, I just didn’t know what it was called until today. Like I learnt through pictures. Which means I know little music theory other people my level do
Apparently I’m the most advanced clarinet 2 player, so I get the solos the clarinet 1 people don’t have. A kid in the clarinet 2 section has more music knowledge and more experience but apparently I’m better in terms of playing. I’m not.
I’ve gone from being one of the most advanced players in my old school to not at all -
I got a B in my assessment but I’m still apparently the best option. This kid knows so much more than me and jokes about how our teacher is picking favourites or how I’m not even better than her. I know I’m not experienced and I’m not good enough for that
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all of a sudden I’m s---ty at everything
I know I’m not good enough. These people are so much better than me. This friend is better at music, this one is better at academics, this one is better at socialling and singing and being a good person
If I’m not the best at anything then I’m really nothing. I’m not the musician, I’m not the nerd, I’m not the kid everyone likes who literally lives in a movie. Like I’m just a random none important person. I’m a background character with no lines, no skills, nothing -
I like being asked if I’m a boy or a girl sometimes. Makes the dysphoria go away for a little bit :)
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This world sucks
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It’s just horrid. The way we as humans have single handedly made this world a horrible place in the name of science and “wanting to know more” is baffling.
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I might email my therapist tomorrow about something I want to talk about with him on Tuesday
I don’t want him to keep trying to find ways for me to stop my “compulsions” or “rituals” -
who even am i man
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“Just be yourself” that’s so vague omg give me a step by step tutorial
What are my adjectives how do other people see me I wish I could just read their minds or they’d give me honest answers without it being weird because apparently that’s weird and insecure -
My mum was cleaning the bathroom yesterday and threw out the hairbrush I use every day without telling me so now I have to use the wrong one
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