Ungrateful selfish girl that I am

Thread Topic: Ungrateful selfish girl that I am

• 

  Paggleton Newbie

  2 days ago
  Trigger warning for everything at this point
  
  I’m using a private tab again because I fear if I don’t let it out I will actually go f---ing crazy
  
  I can’t tell if she’s f---ing with my head or if I’m just delusionall. For this, I will call her ‘Savior’ for obvious reasons
  
  She took me in when my parents left me at a trap house, and everything was okay at first. She was really kind?? She’s helped me with so many things, including a roof over my dumb head. I got health insurance, some glasses, she’s helping me with disability because she saw my issues would make it impossible for me to get a job and keep it, so I can have some form of income. So what’s the issue?
  
  Well, at first, there was none. I helped her, she helped me. Any time I’ve ever gotten my hands on money, I’ve given it to her. I clean, take care of the dog, emotionally try to be there for her since she’s a bit unstable, she also has done drugs so I try to help her stay away.
  
  I’m not saying I’m perfect, I didn’t trust her at first, I thought the kindness was an act, so I remained distant. But now, I’m starting to think it was. But I’m not sure.
  
  Sometimes, she’s really kind and tells me she loves me like her own, and that she appreciates everything I’ve done for her. But then, I’ll make one small mistake, or I won’t do something fast enough, and she’ll fly into a rage. Throw everything she does for me in my face, start degrading me, grab my hair or hit me, and then she’ll make me food and force me to eat it. As in, she’ll literally say she’ll knock my teeth in and if I don’t eat fast enough or “normally”, she’ll pull my hair or get in my face or throw her phone at my head. After that, she’ll talk about how she fed me and how I’m an ungrateful b----, there’s people starving, ect.
  
  She’ll tell me I’m stupid and slow constantly, then other times tell me I’m smarter than her, and that I’m taking advantage of her. She’ll threaten to kick me out, but then says if I leave, she’ll literally send people to kill me and my family. She tells me she feels bad for putting her hands on me and I don’t deserve it, then says I made her do it by being annoying and that I deserve it.
  
  She’s had me do inappropriate things for money to give to her, and says if I don’t, I’ll be kicked out or that I don’t care, or she’ll hurt me. Then she says she never forced me to do it; that I chose it, and when she gets mad, starts calling me a whore. One time she gave me 20 bucks, but all the money goes to her besides that.
  
  All of the resources she’s given me, she has control over. I can’t talk to my case managers without her present. She lets me borrow this phone, but keeps her info on it so she can see what I do, I’m also not allowed to make phone calls without it being on speaker so she can hear. I can’t text anyone without her permission.
  
  She does nice things for me, solely to use against me it feels like. Savior always tells me I need to step it up, and I’ll try, but recently, I just…shut down. And she’s noticed. She’ll ask what’s wrong, but she finds any mental health problem as an “excuse” and start making me feel bad because she’s had it ten times worse than me. Savior also makes it very clear I shouldn’t be afraid of her; and reminds me that she could very easily put me in the hospital from hurting me, and that she’s not hurting me, just disciplining me.
  
  Maybe I’m overreacting? She has done a lot for me. But I also feel she’s using my homelessness and her kindness as a weapon to trap me. Savior says I’m taking advantage of her. I don’t know, but now it’s really taking a toll. Savior noticed, I’m not acting as kind as usual, in her words, I’m being an “ungrateful c---” now. I’m distancing, dissociating. She tries to snap me out of it. Sometimes by screaming or hitting, sometimes by being silly. But nothing is working.
  
  Am I going crazy???
• 

  Paggleton Newbie

  2 days ago
  Don’t get me wrong, she’s not a bad person, and has lots of stress in her life. I don’t help. She’s done so much good and is a genuinely kind person, and the stress is getting to her to cause this. But I’m also so conflicted and confused and getting in a really bad place. So is she.

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