Ungrateful selfish girl that I am
Thread Topic: Ungrateful selfish girl that I am
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Trigger warning for everything at this point
I’m using a private tab again because I fear if I don’t let it out I will actually go f---ing crazy
I can’t tell if she’s f---ing with my head or if I’m just delusionall. For this, I will call her ‘Savior’ for obvious reasons
She took me in when my parents left me at a trap house, and everything was okay at first. She was really kind?? She’s helped me with so many things, including a roof over my dumb head. I got health insurance, some glasses, she’s helping me with disability because she saw my issues would make it impossible for me to get a job and keep it, so I can have some form of income. So what’s the issue?
Well, at first, there was none. I helped her, she helped me. Any time I’ve ever gotten my hands on money, I’ve given it to her. I clean, take care of the dog, emotionally try to be there for her since she’s a bit unstable, she also has done drugs so I try to help her stay away.
I’m not saying I’m perfect, I didn’t trust her at first, I thought the kindness was an act, so I remained distant. But now, I’m starting to think it was. But I’m not sure.
Sometimes, she’s really kind and tells me she loves me like her own, and that she appreciates everything I’ve done for her. But then, I’ll make one small mistake, or I won’t do something fast enough, and she’ll fly into a rage. Throw everything she does for me in my face, start degrading me, grab my hair or hit me, and then she’ll make me food and force me to eat it. As in, she’ll literally say she’ll knock my teeth in and if I don’t eat fast enough or “normally”, she’ll pull my hair or get in my face or throw her phone at my head. After that, she’ll talk about how she fed me and how I’m an ungrateful b----, there’s people starving, ect.
She’ll tell me I’m stupid and slow constantly, then other times tell me I’m smarter than her, and that I’m taking advantage of her. She’ll threaten to kick me out, but then says if I leave, she’ll literally send people to kill me and my family. She tells me she feels bad for putting her hands on me and I don’t deserve it, then says I made her do it by being annoying and that I deserve it.
She’s had me do inappropriate things for money to give to her, and says if I don’t, I’ll be kicked out or that I don’t care, or she’ll hurt me. Then she says she never forced me to do it; that I chose it, and when she gets mad, starts calling me a whore. One time she gave me 20 bucks, but all the money goes to her besides that.
All of the resources she’s given me, she has control over. I can’t talk to my case managers without her present. She lets me borrow this phone, but keeps her info on it so she can see what I do, I’m also not allowed to make phone calls without it being on speaker so she can hear. I can’t text anyone without her permission.
She does nice things for me, solely to use against me it feels like. Savior always tells me I need to step it up, and I’ll try, but recently, I just…shut down. And she’s noticed. She’ll ask what’s wrong, but she finds any mental health problem as an “excuse” and start making me feel bad because she’s had it ten times worse than me. Savior also makes it very clear I shouldn’t be afraid of her; and reminds me that she could very easily put me in the hospital from hurting me, and that she’s not hurting me, just disciplining me.
Maybe I’m overreacting? She has done a lot for me. But I also feel she’s using my homelessness and her kindness as a weapon to trap me. Savior says I’m taking advantage of her. I don’t know, but now it’s really taking a toll. Savior noticed, I’m not acting as kind as usual, in her words, I’m being an “ungrateful c---” now. I’m distancing, dissociating. She tries to snap me out of it. Sometimes by screaming or hitting, sometimes by being silly. But nothing is working.
Am I going crazy??? -
Don’t get me wrong, she’s not a bad person, and has lots of stress in her life. I don’t help. She’s done so much good and is a genuinely kind person, and the stress is getting to her to cause this. But I’m also so conflicted and confused and getting in a really bad place. So is she.
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i'm really really sorry this is all happening to you.. perhaps you could try speaking to a mandated reporter? such as an ems, law enforcement, most workers at a school or healthcare facility, even a trusted adult in general? you may have to do so in person if she monitors your phone activity.. hope everything improves for you soon and you can find a safer environment
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Hi hi! I appreciate the concern, I’m honestly just venting because if I don’t I’ll go crazy, I already know how that’ll go down as of right now as I have no stable income.
She’s already told me she’d make a false police report and have her fiancée back her up saying I assaulted her if I ever tried anything, or that she’d find me because she has lots of connections. (I’ve seen it for myself) plus she can talk to my case managers and stuff to find out since they all have her number to contact me.
I mean it’s not all bad, she’s done a tremendous amount of good for me. I’m not trying to villainize Savior but sometimes I just get too overwhelmed and need to let it out…you know? -
I stg I might f---ing cry
I finally get the dog to sleep at around 1AM, but I have to stay awake because one of Savior and I’s friends who I will call Benz fell asleep and I have to watch out for Savior’s fiancée who I will call Mower so that he doesn’t see that Benz is still here. I can’t wake Benz up because it will piss Savior off.
Benz finally wakes up at 2AM, so does Savior due to them being on the couch together. I walk Benz out, and of course, Savior and Benz start talking loudly, which wakes up the dog, who I have to watch until the dog falls asleep. She threw up today, so I have to watch her even more.
She has doggy dementia and is very hard to take care of. I feel so sick and she won’t go back to bed. Every time she falls asleep, something happens to wake her up. Savior also occasionally wakes up and asks me to do something small for her, which I don’t mind. But the dogs nails make loud noises, which can wake Savior up and piss her off.
Anyways now I have to feed the dog again I just wanna sleep because I know I won’t be able to sleep in since I wake up whenever the hell Savior tells me to -
The icing on the f---ing cake is that even once the dog who I’ll call Sky is asleep, I still don’t get to properly f---ing rest
Savior sleeps on the couch, there are two. But because she feels more comfortable with someone there, I have to sleep on the same couch as her, which she takes up two of the three cushions, and her feet are on the third, where I am. I have to squish in. If I go to the other couch, and she wakes up, it’s a s---show.
I also have to wake up every f---ing hour to check her blood sugar and on the dog. And when I accidentally sleep through them, it’s a s---show as well. It’s that I “don’t give a f--- “ about her or her dog after everything she’s done for me and then she lists every act of kindness she’s done. Same with if I dare move to the other smaller couch.
I’m also expected to usually be up at 8:30, but in her words, I’ve been “lazy” and waking up late. -
I can’t f---ing deal with her
Savior ended up waking up at 4AM, and accused me of falling asleep because I was in the bathroom for literally two minutes and she asked for water and I didn’t hear her. She stayed up and every time I almost got the dog to sleep, she’d either talk too loud or start playing videos on her f---ing instagram that would reset the whole thing. I swear she does this on purpose.
By 5:30 she had enough and said to give the dog some of her meds. So, I did. I held the dog and waited for Sky to fall asleep. Savior got pissed off at me for a reason I genuinely can’t remember, and then had me get up, and she took the dog, and I was told to walk outside until she was ready to see me again, this was about 7:00.
She tells me to sleep until 1, then changed it to 1:30. Puts alarms and leaves. I wake up at 1:30. She calls and starts yelling about how I slept for 5 hours and that I was only supposed to sleep until 1. -
What the f--- is wrong with my d--- ass case managers bro HELP ME GET MY f---ING ID ITS ABOUT TO EXPIRE THATS YOUR JOB RIGHT
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I don’t give a f--- I’ll bang every b---- in the room
I’ve even been hitting Savior back now like I’m going feral I will kill someone fr -
That last post doesn’t help but I’m really not a violent person
I just don’t understand how someone can hit ME first and then act like I’m a psycho for hitting back -
Why the f--- would this b---- do that
How is friend requesting a man that essentially f---ed up my whole family on Facebook helping “figure me out”
Like a literal psycho who’s handcuffed people to toilets for days
Now she’s scared after I told her why I was upset
But she shouldn’t have f---ing done it in the first place
She keeps calling me a puzzle she’s figured out/trying to figure out
And then she wonders why I don’t confide with her or keep it all in
Because then she gets sidetracked and the whole day she keeps prodding and poking and it’s only making me re live what I remember not healing
Or uses it against me when she’s mad -
I can’t with Savior anymore. She tells me to do everything on my own but hovers me when I try. She berates me and degrades me then tells me to love myself. She tells me to focus on myself, but then flips out and calls me selfish when I don’t stay on top of her and the dog. I don’t know what to f---ing do anymore.
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I don’t think I can handle this type of life
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Wow. Wow. She forced me to attack her which I think I accidentally posted in my other thread? But now she’s going around crying that I abuse her to people and showing scratch marks as if I don’t have multiple bruises and now some puncture marks from her f---ing teeth in my finger. She also cut my nails, some so short they bled.
She said she’s going to do her “witch s---” on me and stormed off, but I just wanted to let it be known to someone, anyone, that if something happens and I randomly disappear, it’s her. Also she forced me to get a haircut one day and kept locks of my hair. My ID is locked in her room. But yeah, if anything ever happens to me, it’s because of her.
And I just wanted someone to know that because I can see it happening very soon. -
She says it’s my fault and I’m forcing her to leave and that I make her home an unsafe place for her when I’ve asked to leave on multiple occasions and she has literally said on multiple occasions that I can’t leave. And she’s acting like I’m this leech who she just can’t get rid of.
I’ve asked to leave multiple times. She’s making it seem like to people that she’s just so kind she doesn’t have the heart to kick me out and that I refuse to leave.
She’s the one who won’t let me.
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