Ungrateful selfish girl that I am
Thread Topic: Ungrateful selfish girl that I am
-
I am starting to realize that I’ve been too harsh in my mood swings. And that I should be more nice and grateful and stuff?
I am also starting to realize that I do not think I can ever have a place of my own fully. Like freely. I may need to have someone like a nurse or something check up on me to make sure I’m doing things or helping me. Because I am a lot of work and with my issues it makes it very difficult for me.
I don’t want to behave like a child. I don’t feel like a child. Well, somtiemes. But I genuinely have a very tough time doing things that most people can do very easily. I think I’m over my head but I can’t really say that.
I don’t know what to do or where to go. Because I know Savior would drop me off at Butler, but the issue is that’s out of state since we’re on the state line, so I’d have no insurance, and they’d kick me out, and the area there is very unsafe and I’d probably die. And part of me doesn’t really care sometimes, but part of me does. I think if I didn’t check here or see my friends I would’ve screamed “just drop me off” and I would’ve genuinely died
I’m very confused. I don’t know if I’m physically or mentally just very sick, and sometimes I’m very smart and insightful. But sometimes I’m told I’m acting very stupid and lacking common sense. So everyone thinks I’m faking. But I’m not. I swear I’m not.
One of my old therapists said my scores for the dissociation test was “very high” and my “symptoms were very consistent with” DID but I don’t know. I took that as a yes but I don’t know. It’s hard to say I have multiple personalities when I don’t even know what my personality is….its so fractured and confusing and idk…
I’m afraid. I’m very scared. I don’t think I can handle this but there’s nowhere to go. I can kinda see why Savior hits me when I piss her off…I must be very hard to deal with…but I also don’t mean to do the things she says I’m doing on purpose…
I just don’t know what direction to go in. Maybe my case manager can find me a program, but Savior keeps telling me I’ll be miserable there and that some places are requiring money to stay which I don’t have. Then I’m in the streets with nothing and I have no survival skills.
But I’m not happy here either. -
I don’t like how she called my emotional shutdown a tantrum but I’m just gonna try to let it go.
-
Idk man I just…I seem to ruin everything I touch for everyone around me.
I’d love to meet all my friends on here one day, but part of me is kinda glad I haven’t. I want so bad to get better and I’ve made lots of progress, but it just seems like from what I’m hearing that I’m just too much for anyone to handle, and I’d never want to put my friends through that. Or lose my only hope and only reason I’m alive because I can’t get my s--- together. I’m terrified I’d mess that up.
I’d be so interested in whatever set up Bella has possibly planned, but there’s so many things. My lack of income, my instability as it seems to be put. I don’t want to be a burden anymore to anyone I care about.
And I’m getting to a really bad point.
Something may happen between me and Savior soon so if I disappear that’s why.
And honestly I’m stuck.
I feel like this is the end, as dramatic as it sounds.
She got upset because I said I don’t like hugs so she asked why I hugged her. I said it was to support her. I thought that would show how much I care but apparently it’s the opposite. Apparently I don’t care because I hug her when I’m not a hugging type of person and it doesn’t come from the heart.
But I feel like the fact I still do something I don’t really like just to make someone else feel better shows more heart than anything. Am I wrong? Genuinely. -
“We’re good, right? You’ll keep your mouth shut?”
f--- you. I hate you. How can someone claim to love someone like family then make them do something like that so YOU get paid? And then say we need the money as if I’m gonna see a dime, when we both know damn well you’re taking it all for yourself.
I hope that $400 you’re getting tomorrow for me is nice. I mean, it’s just my dignity, right?
It’ll be the first time I didn’t block out, according to you. That’s what it means to be a woman and not a child, right? Survival skills? Just need to toughen up, right?
But somehow I’m the monster and the pathetic and weak one. -
Bro there is nothing I can f---ing do about the dog coughing because I gave her the medicine already and I’m not going to crush up another pill when I’m not sure if that’s safe for her.
I gave her the dosing it says on the bottle I’m not going to overdose the damn dog and have you say I almost killed your dog again. (The dog got outside because the door doesn’t properly shut all the way, dog is old and has dementia, I went to car, wind opened it, and I thought she was still in bed. I found her of course, in the backyard, but in her eyes I almost killed the dog.)
She’s accused me of doing absolutely insane f---ing s--- due to her trauma but that’s not an excuse when she goes around TELLING people she thinks I’m poisoning her food or giving her insulin in her sleep to try and kill her as if I don’t wake her up and get her something sugary to drink and eat so it doesn’t get dangerously low when I hear it go off as low. If I wanted to kill her, why would I wake her up? That makes no f---ing sense. -
“Whenever you’re upset just ask to go downstairs and draw, de escalate”
*Asks to go downstairs*
“No, you think you can run away from this?”
Or
“No, you can go downstairs once you tell me why you’re upset and once I’m done talking.”
*Continues going on for literal hours or tells me why I’m wrong for being upset if I do tell her what’s upsetting me.* -
I can’t even begin to describe this. I’m reaching a limit and yesterday she was all like “I know you need professional help so once things calm down, you can go to the psych ward.” And now she wakes me up yelling about how I don’t need professional help, she does, and I’m just lazy and need to get my s--- together.
She was right about one thing; this woman needs severe help. I can’t deal with it anymore. And I’m tired of being blamed for s--- I didn’t f---ing do or being told my “energy” caused something out of my f---ing control. She lost her cigarettes and it’s my fault because my “energy” caused it? Or she says I hid them, as if I want to be near her. -
Please b---- with the “you’re gonna have to do it we need the money” I don’t see a f---ing dime and the “well I won’t make you do it/I won’t force you” and then threatening me the next second if I don’t f--- off
-
Super TW for this one for SA/the big bad r word/alcohol and weed use even though I TW this whole thread
You buy me shots and have me get high so I feel more “comfortable” to do what you wanted me to do with him so you can get a quick buck, but honestly the whole thing wasn’t even the most traumatic part
The most traumatic thing was when the actual act began, I was transported to something like a memory I’ve never recalled until it happened. All I saw was a dark room, but the lights were on in the room I was in, in reality.
The act of naturally trying to close my legs felt too…familiar for my liking. Not that I remember anything else. But Savior blocked my face with her body so the guy didn’t see that I almost started to cry. And so did the act of him prying at me. She joined in to make the process faster.
But hey, Savior is praising me now. That she’s “proud of me” for doing what I did even though she knew I didn’t want to, but I had to. She kept trying to justify it as she drove me there, saying it was best this way, that an older man was better. That at least she would be there just in case the guy got too aggressive. That I might even like it. That she never forced me, but other times she threatened to have my brother thrown in jail or literally have me killed. That I needed to do this to “become a woman”
I just drank the rest of the shot she gave me after she saw I was not happy. I’m glad she understands. -
I don’t see how someone would want to PAY to do that to me with how I look rn.
As in, I have a cut on my face and a deeper one on my forehead(Savior had to put butterfly stitches on it, since she was the one who did all these), my knee is cut, I have a nasty bruise on my hip from being pushed into a car(it wasn’t moving don’t worry), never mind all the little bruises I’m riddled with because of her. My lip is also a bit f---ed up.
Post a reply as a guest or Log In
REMEMBER:
- Do not harass or insult other people. Treat others how you'd like to be treated.
View all 10 forum rules
- Do not harass or insult other people. Treat others how you'd like to be treated.
View all 10 forum rules
