Ungrateful selfish girl that I am
Thread Topic: Ungrateful selfish girl that I am
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My head is f---ed.
After my dissociative amnesia, Savior decided I’m allowed to take my abilify, which has been really helping making my head quiet. I feel clearer. But that clarity is making me think.
I wasn’t allowed to take it because it made me sleepy and she didn’t want me to sleep through the night without waking up to my alarms to check her diabetes or on the dog. Now I’m allowed to.
Who does the things she does to someone they love? I also feel like she puts a lot of misplaced blame on me. Her friend assaulted her allegedly out of jealousy of me, but I wasn’t even there and it is not my fault, it’s her ex friends. The person who attacked her.
And Who chokes someone when they say they’ll leave after you say you want them to leave? Who attacks you and then when you fight back, points to two measly scratch marks and says they’re scarred because of me, when I have five bruises on my left upper arm alone, never mind everything else.
She loses things and blames me for it. Attacks me saying I’m f---ing with her. But she’s f---ing with me. She’s so much older than me. She knows what she’s doing. Yes, her health is deteriorating, but she literally won’t allow me to leave as shown when she f---ing choked me.
She’s 47. I’m turning 23. She can’t expect me to be able to keep up with everything. She puts me down again and again and calls what she does to me “tough love”. Calls me a manipulator who doesn’t give a s--- about her. That I’m using her. Tells everyone how I depend so much on her like she’s some f---ing martyr. Says she only hits and screams because I don’t listen.
She better pray I don’t use my voice. Because a neighbor already said they had a recording of her hitting me and they’d call the police. They came out one time and asked if I needed help. The garage was open so I couldn’t say yes, because Savior is always watching.
I just have to play smart. -
Oh boy oh boy do I have the update for you
Apparently my parents said something about me being kidnapped by Savior (I wasn’t lol) and we got in a big “fight” where I was dropped off at midnight in the middle of the ghetto without any f---ing shoes in a city where glass is everywhere on the street
Luckily I found a deli where the owners were nice enough to let me stay in this room where I definitely have to get tested by the doctor for any diseases bc it doesn’t even have a light, but I appreciate the shelter and I started volunteering there in return for shelter and food as I had nothing
4 days pass and yesterday I bumped into a dude I will refer to as Psycho and psycho is infatuated with me. He found out through Savior a bit about what happened and told Savior. Savior has been looking for me and misses me. And honestly? I missed her too. She came in as it is Mower’s birthday and she just got in touch with Psycho. Apparently she found out info about this place that she’s texting me.
But her and I are doing a lot better. We fight and I say stupid s--- but you all know me by now. I’m hopefully returning back tomorrow, but I may have to stay in this room I will call the red room.
But yeah I’ve been living the fnaf dream past four days -
I really hope the talk tonight goes well. Savior and Mower want to talk to my boss about paying me now that I’m no longer there and back with Savior and Mower under the table.
I really really really like being at the deli and I really like working there and if he says no I won’t be allowed to. They said it’s because it’s a waste of their time and gas to drop me off for free and that then they’re taking advantage of me.
I hope it works out because it’d be a dream come true for me. I feel so happy there. I feel like just Pag, I’m no longer attached to someone else.
Savior even noticed the difference in my behavior there. But she credits it all to her, saying she’s the one who allowed me to learn to open up through the hitting and stuff….I didn’t like that. I feel I should get the credit. Because I’m the one coming out of my shell. And I chose to do it for myself. But I won’t burst her bubble. -
We were doing so well until last night. And now Savior got arrested and idk what to do
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I’m scared. Yesterday was really scary because she was holding a knife and saying that she was gonna kill herself because she was high on drugs and thought she was going to jail which sent me into a very altered state from pure fear and I switched. I promised her she wasn’t going to jail. Someone had to come over to help me convince her to get the knife away. She ended up handing it to me. I don’t remember much after that.
Now she got arrested but she’s on probation. My case manager also texted me that their program is shutting down next month. Savior said I could stay at her mother’s but then everything I have is gone. I have to find a way to pay for her stuff. I’m so sfsred -
They let her go after court thank god
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TW: Mentions of SH and suicide and abuse and drugs/alcohol use
Savior started out my birthday by screaming at me for crying, and after I repeatedly begged, cried, and screamed for her to stop f---ing with me and let me sleep because I had only slept for 15 minutes the day prior and was very moody, she kept trying to provoke me and psychoanalyze me before threatening to leave and kill herself, before breaking a glass in the door and screaming at me more for hours to the point where I almost actually f---ing killed myself once she fell asleep for a few hours. Then she woke up after I cleaned up the remaining of the glass or tried to, beat me up because she couldn’t find her percs, insisting I hid them on her. She blocked the exit so I couldn’t leave. I can’t defend myself or it gets worse. And of course, she said I was being an ungrateful selfish c--- and I’m never happy, and that I deserved everything she did. I didn’t get to sleep until 5AM because I’m not allowed to sleep without my permission, and she got mad I didn’t apologize. Also I have to take the fall for the broken glass and say I broke it to Mower. She keeps starting with me because her phone won’t work. She ruined my birthday and insists it’s my fault, and now I’m at work and my coworkers sarcastic comments when I f--- up are driving me over the edge again. I’m safe I’m just really being f---ing tested right now.
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I’m about to have a mental f---ing breakdown
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I have a Neuropsych tomorrow I’m supposed to be well rested and s--- but she’s keeping me up impulsively taking care of three toddlers idek the mother
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TW alcohol use and abuse
was going to say things were actually going really good until tonight. Now my lip is so swollen that I talk funny and it still is occasionally bleeding//I’m having trouble eating, my head is f---ing hurting from my hair being pulled and getting an umbrella smacked against it so many times, my whole mouth is all swollen and f---ed up, I got scratch marks on my face and s---, and when I blew my nose there was a bit of blood in it so that’s fun. And I’ve been more snippy and fighting back lately, I scratched her up. Not this time but other times after I said something she didn’t like and she attacked me. But I’m sick of it and losing my patience. And then I’m expected to take care of her like nothing happened?
The reason? She was s---faced and said someone told her I was talking s--- about her to them. Which…wasn’t true at all? Considering I babysat this persons kids for money? -
Okay everyone from here on out I am putting a TW for ALL posts in this thread for alcohol/drug use, all types of abuse, suicidal thoughts/ideation, and basically anything you can think of instead of just triggering every post bc the last two posts kinda got cut short due to Savior walking in and me having to panic post and exit the tab. So just so you know, all posts may contain these topics, thank you.
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It’s so much worse than I thought. The damage she did, I mean. My eyes are f---ed up, my lip, we still have to go to urgent care for my nose in which I have to say I fell, my head is still killing me from the umbrellas she hit me with, and I got a few little cuts on the sides of my face near my temples. My back hurts and while I haven’t seen my upper back, I saw my lower and saw she left more scratch marks. My neck has some from a prior incident, in which I have now fought back by clawing at her twice. (Not this time though) But honestly? All that wasn’t the scariest thing. For me, the thing she’s been doing that scares me is when she grabs my neck and I can’t breathe. Last night she wrapped her legs around my neck and squeezed after pulling me down on the couch by my hair and spitting in my face. It’s always the scariest thing, but yesterday really scared me. Especially because it was all so unwarranted…and looking at myself, I don’t know if I can keep quiet. But Savior is going through surgery(possibly more) and has nobody else to take care of her, trapping me.
And now Mower is pissed at Savior and said his sister started the eviction process. Savior is already drunk and I don’t want another round of last night because of it. She’s gonna make me cancel my therapy appointment because my face looks that f---ed up. -
A lot of times I don’t know why I try to make it through the day. My family is practically gone in my life. I have no friends of my own. Everything I live and breathe is controlled by Savior. I don’t have any aspirations, and I guess in a sad way, the only thing keeping me going is the hope that one day I’ll be able to go back to talking to all my good friends here on disc again. I’m gonna try to secretly set one up…hang on…because I genuinely can’t do this anymore…
Sometimes I hope she kills me. I feel like the only solace I have is when I’m in my own little world, where I don’t exist. Just my little characters. Sometimes I wonder if I die if I can forever dream.
This is not a proclamation or saying I’m going to attempt. I know I have a history of it in the past which is why I’m reiterating this. -
I can’t get a discord, there is no chrome and while I’m allowed to download games I know downloading google chrome would be too sus
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are you f---ing serious bro I went to change wet clothes and my nose started gushing blood and I physically heard the crack when she punched me
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