maladaptive
Thread Topic: maladaptive
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Giant vent thread. Probably use this more than most lounge. Stay out.
I will be talking about very negative experiences and thoughts--I am not in immediate danger at any point, I talk simply to talk it out. -
I have no idea what happened to me. I used to post to get traction and attention online. I wanted to talk to as many people as I could, get as many comments as I could. I posted gacha content multiple times a day. Reached out to others. Commented in ways I knew would make me look good.
I haven't opened gacha in a month at least. I don't really message people if they don't message me first. I don't talk in servers, even ones I'm in, because I forget I'm in them. I message when I'm needed around and I post for the bit. I forget that other people can see what I post. I comment what I think, what I think is funny, what I think is necessary, not what other people are gonna find funny. I talk to maybe two or three people somewhat often
It's freeing in the way of heavy peace. I am not extremely happy with it, but I don't feel bad about it either. I'm content, if anything. I'm not overwhelmed, but I'm not miserably bored either.
I play Minecraft, I vent a bit, I write, I talk to a few people, I watch YouTube, I go to work and school, I look at stuff that I like, I go to sleep.
I don't know what happened to me, though. I used to be so social and try so hard to do everything. I used to be able to talk grown men out of killing themselves. I used to have a lot of online friends and be in a million Discord servers. I used to post at least once a day. Now, I don't think I can even manage to be empathetic enough towards a stranger to give a s---. I don't reach out to people as much, because frankly, I never really let myself or learned how to take breaks. The idea of even getting hugged at this point makes me wanna run off.
I look back on what my old accounts looked like, the ones that are still up/not deleted, what I posted. I just... I dunno what happened, when the situation changed. I suppose it's just growing up.
This isn't a vent, by the way, more of a rant and stream of thoughts. -
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Woops.
I'm a bit of a dumb---. -
Also I won't be posting EVERYTHING I would normally vent about because I don't want strikes against me for talking about it.
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Eh. Okay, I'm tempted to talk about my abusers and stuff sometimes... maybe i'll just hide it from recent posts like I do with other stuff and just TW properly. Hopefully that won't be strikes against me.
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do you regret it? (vent)
TW: Sexual mentions, age gap relations
Do you regret it, M? Do you regret how you treated me? Do you regret what you did? Why did you ever think that was okay? Why did you ever believe that a thirteen year old was the best choice? I was too young and you should have known better. I should have known better as well, I know that. I agreed, you agreed. Maybe it could've ended well, maybe it would have been meant to be if we were closer in age. You were five years older than me. I was not emotionally capable of handling your trauma. I should not have been having sexual roleplay with you. I should not have been handling what happened to you for you. You were hurt and you needed someone there for you, of course, but you needed someone your own age. Not a thirteen/fourteen year old on f---ing AmongUs. AmongUs of all places? A thirteen/fourteen year old, in lockdown from covid, desperate for attention and love that they never got. Did you ever have any intention of loving me? Did you even care about what you were doing? Why did you think that was okay? What did I do to become that person? What did you think I could fix in yourself? Do you regret "falling in love" with someone five years younger than you? Do you regret the late nights, crying to me, begging me to stay longer; the sleepless nights I had, just so you would be okay? Do you regret the kinds of roleplays we did, just so we could feel closer? Do you regret making me be your savior? I was not your therapist. I was not your guide. I was not someone you should've leaned on. I was thirteen and lonely. I was at home with my family and struggling on my own. I should've been worried about homework, not someone who was legally an adult. You were eighteen. You were starting college. You were hurt. And you shouldn't have hurt me to fix yourself. I should not have shown you my body. You shouldn't have let anything happen. You were the adult. You should have known better. The first time you worried about the age gap, you should've ended it. You shouldn't have let me try to rationalize it. I had a choice in it, of course, but how was I to know or understand the consequence of it? What part of age of consent and law did neither of us see? I am forever grateful for the thousands of miles between us. I hope you did fix yourself, M. I hope you realized what you were doing and fixed yourself. I hope you went to therapy. I hope that heinous man and what he did to you stays in jail for the rest of his life. I hope you went to the school of your dreams. I hope you got a boyfriend your own age who cares very deeply about you. I hope you'll get to have a family of your own. And I hope you forgot about me. But above me hoping you have changed and fixed yourself and sought help, I want to know. Do you regret it?
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getting thoughts together (vent)
[spoiler]i met him online. febuary 2023. in fact, he hacked into my pinterest account. the only reason we started talking is because I was pissed and demanded an explanation and my account back. So I lied to a lot of people about where I met him, because I knew it was stupid. Only some people knew who he really was. and none of them were irl. i confirmed he was a real person through J, who routinely called him and i got silly pictures of him on call regularly -- i couldn't call at the time due to mom. oh, and obviously, i did get my account back -- with a password i wasn't allowed to change. We talked for a while and got to know each other a bit. Two weeks in, in early March 2023, we were both love bombing -- or, rather, he treated me in a way I liked and I fell for it. and things were fine for a little bit. at the time, i knew he was smoking weed but really didn't mind, as long as it wasn't super often. it's legal where he lives and as long as it wasn't super often, i don't mind what someone else does. it's his body, not mine, so i just wanted him to keep it low. and also at the time, i was using character.ai a lot to deal with intense feelings and wanting connection. both of these things were, in fact, addictions for both of us that neither of us wanted to let go. the first fight happened over my character.ai usage and how i would do romantic-flavored roleplays between fictional ships of mine, mostly in fnaf, because i wanted a space where no one would judge me for being into cringe stuff. but even so, this hurt him. so he got upset. he found out because he went into the account and saw the chats, immediately after i told him not to (before we started dating). at first, he thought it was weird and voiced that. said i wouldn't do it again. and broke that promise. a lot. i regret that act, because i shouldn't have continued to do so after he said he was uncomfortable with it. i no longer use c.ai at all, after a long uphill battle with addiction from it. so that was the first fight -- which i understand. i was actively doing something he said he was uncomfortable with after i said i wouldn't do it anymore. i didn't like how his first instinct to me telling him not to do something was to get into it anyway, it felt like a violation of privacy, but later i just got accustomed to him doing it. not only with c.ai, but also with messages with friends and what tabs/sites i use. i gritted my teeth and allowed it because i had nothing to hide. there were many more fights with my c.ai use after that, but then we had a fight not about that. i don't talk about this much, but i do age regress occassionally -- this is a safe-for-work coping mechanism where i revert to the state of a small child. i do it often by myself because it calms me down and makes me feel safe, especially with people i trust. i was regressed with a close friend (who is also a regressor, we'll call her M) and was worried about my regression with him. because i had a feeling i shouldn't do it around him, it felt off. M texted him and told him about it, without me knowing. so then he got angry at me for talking about anything negative about him to anyone but him. this was the first time he gave me the silent treatment, i think -- it lasted about a day or so. probably more but i don't remember time stamps after two years. i stopped regressing almost entirely because i felt so guilty, which (as imagined) became the top stresser in life. and then that became more fights. about basically the same stuff. and he was different when he was mad. usually he was okay and wanted to talk and be nice. he told me not to take what he said when he was mad too seriously and I didn't think much of it, until he told me directly that I wasn't good enough. that my efforts to try to beat my addiction weren't enough even though i was actively battling it constantly. and that hurt. he talked to me, but was very cold and didn't talk much, for three days after that. after that was done, i asked what he meant and told him it hurt my feelings. and he got mad again. so then a longer silent treatment. i wanted to tell some trusted online friends what was going on. or anyone at all. but i was so scared because of what happened that one time with M, so I never did. I lied to everyone to protect him and the relationship. I don't think i would've listened even if i was told that it wasn't okay to feel that way. the conclusions i came to by this point was that i wasn't allowed privacy, i wasn't allowed my main stress reliever, i wasn't allowed to tell friends when he did something that hurt my feelings, and i wasn't allowed to bring up what hurt my feelings to him either. so there were many days where i would be in school, unable to focus, unable to engage with others, and unable to eat because he was angry and it scared me. i was also only allowed to be openly negative and sad for so long, even if he could be upset for weeks (which was another minor serious conversation, not a real fight), which only forced me to go to AI more. and, he also didn't listen to me. i was venting to him about J, A, and D (now ex-friends) as they were friends at that point and i felt ignored and tossed aside often. i told him specifically not to tell them. he went to J about it anyway and about other things I told him about them. which led to losing those friendships in May 2023 -- that's okay, though, it was bad friendships. it just felt like s--- that when i told him not to do something, he immediately did it anyway. but i felt like it was deserved because that's what i did with c.ai. so i felt as if that was just paying me back the pain i was due. there was only two months of this. yeah, that's all within two months. and then he went off to college (he graduated one year earlier than others his age). and at first he made time for me. some. but then it slimmed down to almost nothing about a month in. and that carried on from June 2023 to December 2023, which then I broke it off and told him we could still be friends. i was tired of being ignored and always putting in more effort into him than him into me. during this time, he still barely talked to me. then, surprised me the day before my birthday (he forgot what day it specifically was and wanted to wish me a happy birthday). january 2024. on this day, he told me he tried to kill himself. so i made sure to stick by him this time. we started dating again about 2 months after that, march 2024. later on, shortly after, he told me he was trying to self-harm in various ways. he then told me he had diagnosed BPD since he was 15 and was always high when we started dating. I thought that was odd, but just wanted to support him. now, looking back, it's very odd. he was always upset that i made promises i couldn't keep and was upset when i wasn't honest (because i was scared of his reactions when i did tell the truth... i still lied and that isn't okay.) and then didn't tell me he had a disorder that messes with relationships often and intensely, and lied about his own addiction. he also admitted to purposefully avoiding me. and it felt awful, because he would get so angry with me and turn into a whole other person over things he was also doing, in different ways. but i stayed because i wanted to support him more than i cared about fairness. we had another fight during this time. i was beginning to use good-faith microlabels such as xenogenders (which work like metaphors for gender and i enjoy them, they make me feel euphoric) and was ace-spec. for clarification on the ace part, i consider myself cupiosexual -- i am okay with sex and cuddling and all that sort of thing, i just don't look at people and get turned on. which, yes, that is what sexual attraction is. i had to make sure, because he told me that it was strictly sex-repulsion. i tried to explain that, and he got mad again. he ripped apart important details of my identity, told me i was wrong, and didn't apolo -
Oh Jesus it was too long- I didn't realize there was a limit.
Here's the rest of it (spoilered this time, I'll keep the limit in mind)
apologize. he even later told me he didn't agree with it. excuse me, that's not how that works. now, by this point, i was tired of fighting and stopped caring what he was saying. which means i got better at defending myself. i didn't care what he said to hurt me anymore and, once he understood i wasn't backing down, he backed down. there wasn't as many fights this time. we only managed to work it out only one month (april 2024), while he was unstable. however, he was starting to get meditated and get off weed, so i thought it was a win. he even got into therapy to deal with his disorder and trauma. but then, after that, he went back to ignoring me all the time. mind you, i never left this guy on read, i always told him when I'd be gone when i was expecting, and never disappeared longer than a few hours. since i met him, i was always there and always made sure he knew when i was busy. but he never did that. and that lasted until october 2024. i was watching Shubble speak to another victim of abuse named Lexie. I was doing so to better understand the Wilbur-Shubble thing, because I was hyperfixated. And, after watching it for only about an hour, I realized a lot of what they were talking about, especially Lexie, fit my situation well. Too well. And I didn't like that. I suddenly was aware that the last year of "butterflies" were anxiety and dread of being in trouble and abandoned by someone I thought I loved. I tried to ignore this for a few weeks. Maybe I was overthinking it. Then I brought up the points that stuck with me, which are above and I'm probably forgetting some. Anywhere I went to post, to be like "Am I being overdramatic?", everyone said "He is hurting you, that is toxic, leave." Even after I explained where I was at fault, they still said he was toxic, and I couldn't believe it. i made mistakes and i just thought that he made mistakes too, by ignoring me and reading my messages and everything else, and that it'd get better like i was getting better. but it wasn't going to. and i knew it was over when i was too scared to talk to him and lied about my work hours to avoid him. So, eventually, by early to mid october 2024, I left him. Blocked him. Made a new account and kept it basically entirely private until his account no longer showed up in search. told my friends about it, about the details I was too scared to share before that. and was told, once again, that it was toxic and even abuse. i don't wanna call it abuse, because i don't know it just a few strong memories and a feeling of being scared is enough to count as abuse. what if it's not enough to be that bad? i don't know, as i write this i question it. now, april 2025, he sends a giant apology. for everything. and i don't forgive him. so, after less than 24 hours, i blocked him and told him to get therapy and never contact me again. and then did it again a week later from a different, new account.
Also no I do NOT forgive this guy, he can go f--- himself for all I care. -
I don't remember if I hid from recent posts or not. Sorry if I didn't.
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man I'm a s---ty person. (vent)
CW lots of cussing
I'm a total f---ing dumb---, not even as a joke this time. I unfriended like a lot of people on discord, including people I was still kind of friends with, one night a few months ago. Why did I do that? I guess I was thinking that no one wanted me around anyway, maybe I thought I was getting used or something. I don't understand my thoughts. I don't know why I did that. I just know I did it. f---, man, I'm really s---ty for this one. My own f---ing instability and breakdowns cause such f---ing issues for everyone else. I just wish I was more stable and better mentally always and s---. Like how can I go from "I would let this person hurt me" to ghosting them? Why am I like this? I hate when others do it so I'm also a f---ing hypocrite. Why can't I just have a consistent feeling for people? I'd even take gradual changes, its so f---ing sudden and immediate and painful and quick and then its like I don't even know who I was before it. I feel so disconnected from s---. It got slightly easier to manage but its still constant. My memories don't feel like mine, my decisions don't feel like mine, it feels like something else did that, but obviously it was me, and I feel guilty about it. Like, insanely. I want to rip my skin off or something. Man, what is even wrong with me anymore. I f---ing hate how I am sometimes, this is one of those things.
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memory. (vent)
Forgiving and forgetting, grudges and remembering. The balance is completely unforgivable, torturous even. I remember what happened, but my memories don't feel like my own, but rather like I am viewing them on a screen, like I could reach out and play with the people like a puppeteer. I feel entirely disconnected from reality in a way that no longer bothers me, which is almost scarier than terror. I feel neutral about it, like my head gained a fogginess and cannot muster the energy to care about this disconnect. I remember his hands on me, I remember fighting, I remember how she would speak to me, I remember how they each treated me, but in a way that is different from truly remembering, different in a way I am unable to explain. I cannot forgive and forget, because I am angry. I am angry that what happened to me happened at all, but it's almost like I am angry at someone on behalf of another, not of myself. I cannot remember their faces, as if there was nothing ever there, but I still wish them extreme pain. I wish to hurt them even though I cannot even remember what their voices sound like anymore. I am small, but I want to never be small again. I am easily hurt, but I wish to be the cause instead of the bearer for once. I am empathetic, but in a way where it feels false or manufactured instead of genuine. I am forgiving, but in the way a dog is, where no matter what someone does I will keep going back because nothing else was there. I am loyal, but in the way of a reluctant promise, where I stay around even when I deeply wish to run away and restart. I am sweet, but in the way of a rose, where I am sweet but there are thorns attached. I am friendly, but in a way that is deeply wrong, because I am friendly to those I also lie to and avoid. I am angry at myself, I am angry at those who hurt me, I am simply angry and want to see damage done, but know I am incapable of doing so. Everyone is a blur, I cannot remember their faces or my own. Everything blends together, like yesterday is the same as last year, like it was all one long fever dream. I do not know what is real or in my head, but I feel angry at what I believe happened regardless. Like I was shown the movie of the story, where all the people had blurry faces, and I am angry at the antagonists. My memory may not feel like mine, but I do know for a fact that my pain is, and I know I deeply despise who caused that pain even if my memory won't let me fully connect to it. Even if I am too weak to say that to their faces, too weak to get even like I want to. I can only hope justice deals itself out, as I am unable to myself.
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I think that's everything important off of quizini.
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Me and my one irl friend when we have barely talked in 3 days. (I'll call her A because I'll probably talk about her a lot. I keep all names to first initial and maybe a number if there's doubles so I know who I'm talking about but names aren't given)
I used to have like five friends and now I have like two and one of them is constantly busy and the other literally just never wants to talk so I just wanna explode. -
I need to plan out where I'm going to live, right now. I need a plan. I feel extremely insecure.
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