maladaptive
Thread Topic: maladaptive
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Holy moly being on testosterone sounds so f---ing cool I want it so badly
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I think I have a general plan out which idk if that actually helped but it's something.
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Man I'm really bored and tired.
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Weirdest thing ever that my mom thought she was raising a respectful, authority-following daughter and she actually raised an extremely socially avoidant son who (instead of pushing up boundaries) just stops talking to people over any f---ing reason.
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Religion pisses me off so much. I wouldn't say I'm against it, but people use it as a reason for EVERYTHING. It's the most illogical, fear-based practice I have ever seen, not just in Christianity but in most religions. Some are lesser so like that, but as an atheist, I cannot make it make sense.
My mom is convinced that church is good for us. Why??? What good is it bringing? It's boring and useless for me. Nothing good comes out of it and all that happens is I'm tired for no f---ing reason.
I know Bunny (headmate, not her real name) is religious and is gonna be upset if she sees this at some point but I don't care. -
Something smells like vapes. It reminds me of a guy I used to date (D). I feel sick.
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It's not even a bad smell, I don't mind it normally, D just permanently ruined it.
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Bro my head feels so f---ing weird.
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Terrified of the future in a way I never thought I would be. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen, even though being adventurous a huge part of what makes me different than my siblings (which was a good thing).
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Okay so for this it's a little important to know my biological dad (R) died when I was 3 and my mom remarried when I was 11.
Okay, so, my mom is giving away a lot of R's stuff today to my aunt (his half brother's wife). I have no idea why it's bothering me so much. I didn't know him well and I don't remember him. But I still cry whenever a son written by a dad about being a dad comes on and I get upset about things related to him all the time. I still seek out older men to replace him, and then try to replace him myself. I still am terrified to want to change my first name because of the connection to him. I'm going f---ing insane lowkey for that tbh.
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Me and A hung out for like 2 hours and that was the most we've done together in days. And now she wants to be alone again. I thought I fixed whatever the issue was. But it turns out I didn't. Honestly, I should just get used to it. Why would anyone want to be around pathetic, annoying me all day?
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I'll never be seen as masculine in the way that a 6 foot, lean boy who smokes weed every day and has black nail polish is seen as masculine.
I'll never get what I want because it wasn't the card I was dealt and it's killing me.
I want what cis guys have in a nonbinary way, so badly it feels like I'm being ripped up from the inside.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll have to die first to get what I want and sometimes it's unbearable to think about.
Only for me to question if I'm actually just cis because sometimes I feel feminine.
I wish I knew what would make me feel better about being in my own skin, what would make me hate myself less.
But just knowing that, if I ever go anywhere with it, I will always be hated, my family will hate my choices, and I am likely to lose any support I currently have which already isn't much.
I'm tired of either not recognising myself, or being so hateful of everything about me that I no longer want to be alive. I don't remember when I didn't have that.
If I'll never be seen the way I want to -- as a masculine, tall, toned person who is quiet, reliable, and someone who shouldn't be messed with -- then why am I fighting so hard when I could easily call it quits instead? -
I have no f---ing clue how to do anything on this stupid senior portfolio.
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cherry coke yummy
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Okay I have four things done for the portfolio and it actually isn't that hard I just am really easily stressed out
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