maladaptive
Thread Topic: maladaptive
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Us after a long weekend.
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Us when new member... Anyways, hi, you can call me Saturn and my pronouns are he/they. I may color my text brown or sign off with Saturn or the emoji ""!
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It doesn't show up qwq it's an emoji of the Saturn planet
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space :3
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Up and going ugh I hate it
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Made a new srawpage
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Thinking about how small we are. One person is a little dot in a big world. Our world is a little dot in our solar system. Our solar system is a little dot in our galaxy. Our galaxy is a little dot in the universe. We're so so tiny, and in a few billion years, people probably won't even be around anymore. Just kind of thinking.
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"Kids are being more social now that they can't have their phones!" I have lost almost all of my friendships within 3 months because I cannot talk to anyone and I have never been this painfully lonely. I don't have many irl friends because I'm in a small school (the ONE I have is someone I've had issues with before). My online friendships have suffered and now I barely talk to anyone. What am I even supposed to do. it makes me wanna
kms(I won't but ugh qwq) -
Remembering that time when my ex friends read through my messages on c.ai and with my at-the-time bf and friends at the time and I just feel disgusted and violated all over again. It just sucks. Idk what I did anymore man.
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THERE'S THIS GIRL WHO'S SUBBING IN MY JET CLASS IN THE LIBRARY SHE'S SO F---ING PRETTY AND SHE'S SO F---ING NICE qwq
This may be projection of my mommy issues but holy moly 😵💫🥴 -
Genuinely if someone told me they were proud of me I would start crying. Idk man. I want to be cared about in a way so gentle that it'd soften my rougher edges. I want to be cared about in a way that cradles me even when I'm screaming and crying and hurt and angry. I want to be cared about in a way that isn't just going to leave when I'm not good enough to keep it around anymore. I want to be cared about in a way that's the rock in the storm, the only consistency I have in an inconsistent and crazy world. I want to be cared about in a way where nothing else matters as long as I have it and it's mine. And so far, I've found nothing like that.
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I miss last year so much. I miss having all my friends. I miss having my phone. I miss right after everything happened so it still felt real. I miss feeling like I matter in some way.
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It's so hard to make friends in my hometown because everyone here is HEAVILY against things I stand for or am apart of qwq
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I kinda don't like that loop
"I have friend life is good"
"friend hasn't talked to me in a bit i'm gonnakms"
"nvm friend is back we all good gang"
I also don't like the loop
"Things are good"
"I'm angry all the time at nothing in particular"
"Crying or numb, time to gamble!!"
"Overwhelmingly happy, I am a God and my ego is untouchable"
"I need someone to touch me in The Wayâ„¢"
"Oh nvm things are good again lol"
I'm so silly!(I am confused by my own thought process and I am unsure how much longer I can withstand this) -
I'm in the mood to write, so I'll be talkin' about an experience we have.
Thoughts we can't control suck. They really do. We can't control when they show up or what they are. It can convince us we are inherently disgusting and deserve to die, or convince us we are better than any god. I can only do so much to make that better. When our brain convinced us that we are unsafe, we could only do so much about it and it barely worked. It's as if our brain is in a constant mode that something isn't right and something needs to be fixed or we will get hurt; our friends will get hurt; we'll lose what we care about.
Our thoughts don't make sense very often. When a man in our neighborhood community died, we were worried that we somehow caused that by talking negatively about his wife. When we found a bag of opened donuts in a classroom, we avoided them because we were convinced they were laced. Hell, even right now, we're drinking a strawberry milk that we're probably not going to continue to be able to drink because it's expired; except it's not actually expired, because it's fairlife and it doesn't actually expire until March, and we can see that. When our best friend broke his phone and couldn't talk, we were entirely convinced either he hated us suddenly or he died simply because we decided to go to bed early the night before. When we were 12, we were convinced that a demon was in the house and the only thing we could do was draw crosses into the doorframes and walls--those are still there. We also, earlier than that, drew up a tornado shelter because I was convinced an EF-5 would happen in my town (it hasn't). We run the same things over and over and over again just to make sure it's done fully and it's done in a way that's morally correct. We have a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting ourselves or others. We had to keep our room very dirty because what if a killer came in, and then they just had direct access to us? We still don't feel safe when the room is the clean. We convince ourselves that our friends hate us or don't care and we need to pull away before they decide to hurt us, even though our friends are generally good people and we have no real reason to think that. We convince ourselves that every older person is a threat to us in some way no matter what they actually have done around or to us; they could be a very kind person and I'll be convinced that they are going to hurt us so we need to distance and prepare for it. We are scared to take a while to respond to messages of friends because what if they leave or commit because I didn't respond fast enough. We are convinced everyone around us will find out deep, dark secrets about us somehow and we'll lose everything. We are convinced a higher power that we don't even believe in simply gave up on us and we have to scramble to fix that; we have multiple times tried to pray to get rid of this and it doesn't help. We cannot feel one way consistently about anyone or anything, probably in part due to being plural. We go from hating to loving someone. We lose the idea that someone is real when they stop talking for a long stretch of time. We can't seem to fully convince ourself that things are entirely real, and deja vu isn't something we need to avoid, and people don't hate us, and we can't stay in a little bubble of safety because nothing really feels safe anyway. If something bad completely unrelated to us happens, we still feel as if it's our fault by some cosmic force. When we do something wrong, or something we percieve as wrong, we feel the need to physically or emotionally self-harm as a way to balance it out; If we do something "bad", then we do something bad to ourself, so everything is balanced and even. We're terrified that we're going to wake up and nothing that's happened actually happened and nothing we do is real. Everything is wrong all of the time, and we need to make it right by any means necessary.
I wish to make sense of our thoughts. I wish for something to come in and be able to fix us. I want to be held close and told it'll be okay for just a few minutes. I need our brain to be fixed and healed and better. We feel as if we're unconciously faking everything and everything is normal and no one talks about it. I'm scared of what people talk about behind my back because I can guarantee that they do. We know none of that really makes any logical sense and the fact that we know that adds to the idea we're just faking. What are we even supposed to do? But we continue to hope that we get proven wrong, we live to see that we and all else is safe, even if we can't really convince ourself that it's true. We want this to be normal so we feel less out of place but we want it to be odd so we feel like we can still be fixed.
I have no idea. I wanted to write something poetic but y'know. I don't know what to write about it.
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