alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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Now I know why my ex friend hates me
Because I made her cry
She made ME cry when she ghosted me FOR SEVEN DAYS, REFUSED to tell me what I did wrong, COMPLETELY ENDED OUR FRIENDSHIP because of POLITICS, crossed her OWN BOUNDARY by talking about politics when I had completely dropped it, then getting MAD AT ME when I talked about it too -
Now I’m upset. She hates me because she refused to talk about it. She’s mad because she refused to listen to me or even listen to my apology, and 6 months later she’s STILL s--- talking me
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Maybe I am an a--hole. Maybe everyone secretly hates me. Maybe I don’t deserve to have friends and she realised that I suck too late and she’s too nice to tell me I suck. Everyone around me is probably just trying to tolerate me. If I disappeared from this site and this school and this house nobody would notice or even care, it’d mean one less annoying person
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Why would I stay on this site for so long if I didn’t care about you leaving it?
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I know and thank you it doesn’t make any logical sense I just had a spiral
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No, I get it. You’re not the only one feeling like this, if it helps you feel a little less alone
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Thanks, yeah
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During my parent teacher interview, immediately when my teacher stopped talking my mother just started talking about how amazing my sister is. Then when my sister had hers, she didn’t do the same for me
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Things I hate
- the waistband of literally any pants/shorts, they feel gross idk gang
- socks. It’s SO hard to find comfortable ones. But I also hate the ground beneath my feet so
- sweat omg the fact that’s the body’s only way to try and cool itself is so horrid and gross eugh
- economy
- the letter 29 -
More serious now. all possibilities humans have formulated could happen after I die are all so scary
I don’t want to be reborn. I can’t imagine living another life where I have no memories of my previous identity, different morals, different family and views. And no doubt that by the time I die, the state of the world will be worse. And I’d have to grow up in that, completely clueless about my past life, so none of this even mattered. Even if it was in another universe, it could be worse, with the things I’m so against being so normalised and lawful. Imagine another universe where everything is opposite and everything we deem good and okay is bad and everything we deem bad is completely okay and fine and we’d all be completely okay and fine with that
And in heaven, there is apparently no sin and only good and you worship god for the rest of eternity. A lot of what I do is a sin. I comfort eat so gluttony, I’m very homosexual, I have horrid horrid intrusive thoughts which could count for literally every sin and I never have or will never get baptised. And these things, my literal personality, is such an important part of me. I can’t imagine not being able to “sin”, not being able to be sad, literally pretty much being FORCED to be happy. I wouldn’t be me
But in hell, which I’m more likely to go to if the Christian ideology is real, is just eternal torture. Pain and suffering for the rest of my life is so scary obviously
And just having NOTHING happen after I die is genuinely so scary too. Sometimes it’s a nice thought and it’s what I want when I’m really sewerslidal, but it means that nothing I do will matter. I’ll never experience anything again, and if I f--- up at life, I’ll never get another chance. It’s just “ok you had your turn, bye bye”. Like none of the suffering will matter, none of the bad emotions will matter
And the underworld is a fine thought ig, but I’m average. I’m average as all. I want to achieve good things, sure, but I’m not that great of a person and I’m not noble and I’m not the best, so I'd be sent to the fields of asphodel. Just wandering around, never experiencing happiness nor sadness again, for the rest of time and infinity, pretty much not living. That’s horrible. I’d never be able to experience good things, not bad things, probably not even think coherent thoughts like I can now
And imagine if this is all a test. Nothing I did or experienced even mattered if I fail. And if it’s all a test, it’s so cruel, because everyone has had to go through such horrible stuff. To say “oh haha it was fake, you passed the test, here come to eternal paradise none of it was real lolz”. Like none of it even mattered or had an impact. And what if I fail? What if I was so close but I didn’t quite make it? What if when I die, I just appear in this waiting room and it’s like “oh you failed the test, come here and be tortured for eternity haha”. And what does it mean if you “fail”? What are the conditions to pass? What if it’s corrupt and people fail unfairly? What if, in another universe, all my beliefs are as bad as thinking murder is okay, and right now we’re all such horrid horrid people, and when I finish the test I look back, a completely neutral soul, and go “wow I was such a horrible person” -
I nearly started crying because my bee keychain broke uh
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My sister is so messy it physically repulses me. I get having a messy room and having depression piles, but at this point it’s disgusting and is plain inconsiderate. She’s not depressed, she’d tell me, she’s just lazy. All she does all day is talk to her friends and game, she’s addicted. I’ve told her, both nicely and meanly, to clean her room. She has two giant tubs overflowing with clothes, plus piles of clothes on the floor, plus piles upon piles of stuffed toys. She NEVER hugs her stuffies, just throws them on the floor, but constantly needs more and never lets me cuddle them. Our room is so small, imagine two beds with a bedside table (MY bedside table, my only place to put my stuff besides the closet (she has half the closet, the 2 now 3 tubs and the floor)) that she constantly puts HER stuff on, with an in the wall closet and barely any floor space. She takes up 3/4 of that floor space with clothes and toys. DIRTY clothes and toys. My stuff gets washed with hers and her one job is to do the washing every day, which she never does, so my stuff never gets washed. It’s not that she doesn’t have time, she does no extracurriculars, no out of school activities. She’s just being inconsiderate and expects me to kill any cockroaches that we find in our room like it’s not her fault they’re in there. We’re literally getting bugs in our room because of her, I cannot handle it it’s so disgusting.
My sister is nice but she’s so spoilt and lazy and just doesn’t care. She’s inconsiderate atp. The only place I can put my stuff is in my half of the closet (which is more like a third atp) and my beside table because she takes up so much damn room. I don’t even need more space. She refuses to let me put clothes from 2016 that don’t fit her in storage then proceeds to throw it on the ground and step on it -
I get having a bad mental state. I get having a messy room and bedrotting to the point of bugs in your room. But she does not bedrot, she does not have a bad mental state, and she is 100% capable and has all the time in the world to just put some clothes away. She just refuses to because she’s selfish
Then she apparently NEEDS to wear MY clothes, despite having 3 overflowing tubs of them, because she “doesn’t have any”. Then she loses my clothes. She literally lost my awesome belt my mum got for me before I got to wear it and I’m so f---ing upset about it -
My mum NEVER gets stuff for me. My sister gets new stuff every other week. And she lost MY BELT the ONE TIME I got to go shopping with my mum
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Someone get me out of here I’m so tired
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