New Beginnings on an Open Page

  • Locked due to inactivity on Oct 25, '19 3:54am

Thread Topic: New Beginnings on an Open Page

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    Spaghetti O Junior
    I want to be done with this lifestyle, to put an end to this once and for all and become Via the Victor once more. But it’s like something’s stopping me. I just don’t know what it is. It’s just awfully inconvenient at this time of year — and month.
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    I need to keep talking. There needs to be a happy ending to all this. I can’t just dump all this s--- all over my thread…it feels so weird calling it that…and leave it there. New beginnings on an open page…when was the last time I even listened to that song? When was the last time I listened to any song to get motivation, other than during the few times I’ve worked out lately? I need a new beginning and an open page. I just don’t know how to get it.
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    Gods, that song is ironic right about now. “Here I am, living a dream that I can’t hold.” Well, for me it’s more like “Here I am, living a nightmare that I can’t get rid of.” I don’t even get it, how I can be causing the problem and trying to solve it at the same time. That doesn’t even make sense.
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    I need a plan. Some sort of rigid safety net to make sure that I won’t fall prey to myself again, or at least not as badly. It’s just hard to do that with no accountability. I’m literally the only one who can hold me accountable to do all this right, because I can’t exactly explain this to anyone and have them look me straight in the eyes afterward. I know that everything I’m feeling isn’t totally weird, but I just feel like such a stereotypical teenager that it sickens me. I want to be normal, but being normal feels wrong at the same time. I hate that good things have to feel wrong.
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    Ugh, I don’t even know what to do. I need to think of something, though. It’s August. My year is wasting away, and so is my life. I’ve let this continue for long enough. Really, May 11 was when I started to unravel. When that stupid phone gave out on me. I went into the most horrendous depression for several weeks. I was so mad that I either had no appetite, or else I had the appetite of a Monstrous Nightmare. It was absolute hell. I’m glad I pulled out of that. But still, I haven’t been right since. I used to wake up at 4:30 and work out for several hours while listening to the HTTYD audiobooks. I can’t do that anymore. I have to content myself with a few prerecorded songs on a battery-powered recording device. It’s just not the same, and it’s really hard to get motivated to exercise when my fandom isn’t there to back me up like it used to be.
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    I don’t know why computer games enthrall me so much. I guess it’s just the concept of accomplishing something? Completing a mission, getting three stars, unlocking a new task… I know it sounds stupid (psh, like anything I’ve said doesn’t?), but that might be it. If I’m going to be a trashy human being, I might as well go all the way. So really, the solution is to transfer that pleasure of accomplishment into real work. To set up a rewards system for when I accomplish something. The hard part is that I’m not really in control of myself. Once I say yes, it’s really, really hard, nearly impossible, to say no. I’ll have to work around that, since I haven’t been able to yet. It really sucks that this stupid laptop doesn’t let me delete apps. I would gladly delete them all if I could. I genuinely regret downloading them in the first place, but now it’s like I’m addicted. And it’s such a f---ing stupid thing to be addicted to! I just don’t get it. I wish I could talk to someone in person about all my s---, but who? Everyone thinks I’m this amazing, mature, independent person who doesn’t need any support, when in reality my insides are screaming for someone who can just understand me and be there for me.
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    I’m rambling again. I honestly don’t know if any of this will make sense when I read over it later. Will I see this months, years down the road and be disgusted by myself, or proud that I took the time to write it all out? I'm assuming it will be the former but I have no idea. I’m so drastically different from what I was a year ago, even just four months ago, and I don’t know what the future holds.
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    Oh, speaking of future, here’s something a little more lighthearted, I guess. My birthday’s coming up in a little over six weeks. Not super close but it’s approaching. I’m going to be 17. It’ll be so weird. But all this drama will follow me into that age. Not like a number fixes anything. (Well s---, that turned out to not be lighthearted after all…)
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    I really should just shut up. It’s not like I have anything else of import to say. Not like anything I said earlier was of import, but I think it was a good idea to get everything off my chest and (in a way) out in the open. Obviously I still need to deal with everything but I feel like it’s one step closer. It was so hard to just say I was fine, to bottle everything up, to not indicate my true feelings at all. It was starting to eat me up. But now I feel better. I shouldn’t be as angry now that I’ve let it all out. I shouldn’t say “I hate….” so many goddamn times. You can’t go through life hating everything. I do enjoy some things, but some s--- is just so f---ed up that I know it’ll never be right again. I guess I’ll just deal with that later.
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    Spaghetti O Junior
    Okay, seriously, I’m done now. That was my longest rant ever, and I don’t really regret it. It felt good, and I’d gladly do it again if I had to. I need to figure everything else out on my own, and maybe I’ll give some follow-up at some point. Heck, I don’t even know you guys all that well! Why do I care what you guys think? Ugh, I’ll just be quiet and disappear again, as usual.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    Okay that's the end of what I originally wrote. Holy crap that's some heavy stuff. Still haven't worked through it all and today was an especially bad day but whatever. It's not the end of the world.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    I need some good ol' gifs to really drive home the extent of my frustration with life...
    one moment please...
  • avatar
    d_h Senior
    New account?
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior




  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    Okay that's all the time I have for now. The 25th is the two-year anniversary of Season 5 of Race to the Edge being released, so I wanted to give that a little gif tribute here. I know no one else cares, but I just have to do something to acknowledge my fandom once in a while. I know it's annoying, but I really can't help it. Then I'll disappear until my birthday rolls around.

    See y'all later! Sorry for being such a weirdass freak.

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