New Beginnings on an Open Page

  • Locked due to inactivity on Oct 25, '19 3:54am

Thread Topic: New Beginnings on an Open Page

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    Spaghetti O Junior
    I hate this guy. I don’t even want to use his name, he disgusts me so much. I hate that my mom likes him. I hate that he’s such a f---ing goddamn wuss that I can’t say a thing to his face or he’ll start bawling like a f---ing two-year-old. I hate that he can’t just grow the f--- up. I hate that he talks nonstop. I hate that he has to give a motherf---ing commentary on everything. I hate how he watches me, stares at me, tries to talk to me about bulls--- that makes me uncomfortable. I hate that he hugs my mom. I hate that she hugs him back. I hate that my dogs like him better than they like me. I hate that he’s f---ing living at my house. I hate how he takes s---s in our bathrooms. In my bathroom. My toilet. If I can even call it that. I’ve never had a bathroom of my own. Everyone else just thinks they can s--- in it whenever the bloody f--- they want to. I hate that he reads our magazines in the bathroom and leaves them out of order when he’s done. I hate that he has to listen to music all the goddamn time. I hate that he sings like a walrus and plays that goddamn harmonica right outside my f---ing bedroom window. I hate that my mom won’t let me talk about how f---ing irritating he is. I hate that my dad has been guilted into not letting me vent about him either. I hate that he cries so f---ing much. I hate that I’m supposed to feel sorry for him just because he had a rotten childhood and his wife was a dick to him. I hate that his f---ing hairy ass hangs out of his pants. I hate that he puts butter on everything. I hate that he only wants to drink tepid water. I hate that he drinks everything in one swig. I hate that he can burp at the table all he wants and I can’t. I hate that he wants me to pray for the food every goddamn meal. I hate the whole mealtime prayer ritual anyway. It’s so f---ing fake and legalistic that I just want to stab everyone in the ass every single meal. I hate that he eats meals with us. I hate the way he just gobbles the s--- down and practically eats his weight for dinner, and breathes loud and slurps it like he’s gonna die if he doesn’t. I hate how he uses the word “yummy” to describe everything. I hate that he offers to take my plate at the end of the meal. I hate that he even eats with us at all. I just hate him. I hate him so much. I hate that he’s living with us. I hate that people know he’s living with us. It’s all just so f---ed up. I hate this.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    I don’t think I’ve ever sworn so much in my life. This is only the beginning, though. I’m starting to feel a little better, but I’ve just been so angry lately that it’s hard to even express all the s--- I’m mad at. I really can be normal most of the time. Or act like it at least.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    Really I don’t hate anything else, but I’m still not happy with the way things are. Actually, no. Never mind, I do hate something else.
    I hate myself.
    I hate how I can’t just f---ing control myself and do the s--- I’m supposed to. I hate that I’m addicted to the stupidest stuff and just keep spiraling downward without stopping. I hate that I’m not strong enough to fight all this. I hate that I’m fat. I hate that I’m lazy. I hate that I’ve lost to myself. I hate everything, and yet I love it at the same time. I don’t get it.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    Okay, something a little less depressing. At least I’m not lonely. Well, not technically. I’ve still isolated myself from people and I really wish I wasn’t, but I have people I can actually f---ing talk to for once. I’m in a 14-person chat on a website that my mom lets me be on. She doesn’t known about the chat yet, and honestly I think she’d kill me if she found out. She’d definitely at least block the website. She’s done that before with other sites. But anyway, for the moment this 14-person chat is kind of nice. It’s nice to have actual friends that you can laugh and joke and horse around with, but also be serious with and bare your soul to, at least a little bit. It’s so weird that GTQ was practically my lifeline for so many years, and now I might have weaned myself off of it. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Everything’s just so confusing right now. I know I’m rambling and I don’t make sense, but at least I’m blowing off steam and starting to feel better.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    I hate that people keep asking me if I’m going to get a job. I hate how that one person keeps asking me if I have a boyfriend. Everyone says she’s just teasing me, but I think there’s more to it. And it’s hard because there are a few guys that I do like. A lot. One in particular, but it’s like he’s off limits. I sent him a friend request on the website I mentioned, and he didn’t accept it. Now he didn’t accept anyone’s friend request on that website, but it still hurt. Like he didn’t want me. And I thought we were friends, but I’m probably just too f---ing fat and immature for him. Oh well. My loss, not his. There’s billions of guys in the world, and there are a few others I’m interested in, but not all that seriously. It’s just annoying when just about everyone my age and even younger is dating, even pursuing marriage at 15 or 16, and here I am with no one. Granted, I really don’t want anyone because I don’t think I could ever handle marriage, but still… oh gods, it’s just so messed up. I’m so messed up. I don’t even know what I want anymore.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    I hate how people treat me like I’m a f---ing goddess. Just because I’m good at memorizing and taking tests doesn’t mean anything. And you could at least congratulate me for doing well, not give me that s--- about how that’s what you expected all along. You little s---s, do you even realize how that makes me feel? I work my ass off all f---ing summer, pull 1st place in the nation when I hadn’t expected it, and then all you a--holes just act like that’s what I would have done anyway? Just because I’m a “celebrity” and have done well every year? Who the f--- cares about that? I put a lot of work into this, way more than I should, and what’s my reward? People just acting like it’s no surprise? Gods, you guys are impossible. I wish I could just win this year and get it all over with, but then part of me knows it’s wrong to get my hopes up.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    And I think I already covered this, but I hate how weak I am. Last year I was still irresponsible, but I was able to compartmentalize and pull myself away from my distractions, to put my mind to work and actually be diligent. Now, it’s like I can’t stop myself. I know it’s wrong, that it wastes time, but I do it anyway. I’m still doing it. I’m doing it right now. I’ve tried and tried to pull myself back together, but every attempt fails more miserably than the last.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    Honestly there’s so much more, but I really don’t want to go into even more detail on a public forum. I know that no one I know would be able to find me, but still…I just don’t like talking about certain things especially since I’ve already cussed up a storm. If anyone’s reading this, know that it’s not exactly me saying and thinking this all the time. This is just stuff that’s built up over several months, and I needed a way to let it out somehow. I figured GTQ was the safest way. Sure, I could have just furiously scribbled everything out in a journal, but this is more permanent. This is public. This has the chance to be read. Not like anyone would even care to read this pile of yak s---, but still, they could.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    I know this all is just stupid and irrational. I’m a teenager and I’m almost 17 and my period’s due this week. I’m kind of a wreck. I honestly feel way better now.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    Another thing, though… I’m not too upset about it personally, but my brother is crashing and burning. Again. For probably the eighth time by now. He just turned 23, but he’s a complete loser. He went back to college for the third time in five years, and he’s not even going to make it to when classes start. He’s just a total f---ing wuss. My parents were all convinced that he was this totally new and changed person last January, and then again this May, but I didn’t think so. I saw right through that b------, and I was right. Same with my sister. Make fun of me all you want for not trusting people, but I’m never wrong.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    Probably the most upsetting part of that is that my parents actually care about him. Not as much as they did the last time he crashed and burned (which he does quite a lot), but still, I can’t help but feel like I’m the last priority around here. Maybe I should throw a tantrum or something to get attention, I don’t know.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    Something else random that I feel like I should say… Obviously I’m still into HTTYD, but it’s…different. I haven’t watched the actual material since I saw the third movie back in May. Yeah sure I’ve watched some music videos, but those aren’t exactly the same. But I’ve been reading fanfiction. Lots of it. It didn’t bother me at first because originally it was just the classic Hiccup!whump stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary. It might sound weird, but we Dragonites love torturing our boy H. So anyway, I was reading a few of those, which I’ve been doing for years. Nothing weird there in terms of normal behavior for me.
    Well, now I’ve started getting into dark rape fics. Like, super f---ing dark. I had read them before and they always grossed me out, like they didn’t feel right, but now those stories actually f---ing turn me on. I wasted so many potentially productive hours reading a fic that’s over a hundred chapters long. I don’t even wanted to say what it was called because honestly it’s f---ing embarrassing that I liked the story so much, but I did. I still do.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    But anyway, something about that fic kinda helped me too. It feels weird talking about it, but it involved trauma and PTSD. A literal split personality. And while my life is a far cry from being that bad, I still drew value from it. Because I feel like I’m two people. On the one hand, there’s Via the Victor — my strong, confident, capable, motivated alter ego who doesn’t give a s--- what other people think and rises above every situation. And then there’s this…oh gods I don’t even know how to describe it…monster I guess? It’s like I’ve become a monster that does whatever the f--- it pleases. And it’s so easy to switch back and forth that most of the time I don’t even know which one I am. I don’t know which one I am right now.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    I want to be Via the Victor. I want to live up to my self-imposed title that I made my email address so I would remember it forever, or at least a good long while. I want to be able to look back on 2019 and feel triumph, not shame. But here we are, almost to September, and I don’t know how that’s going to change. I’ve tried so many times, and failed.
  • avatar
    Spaghetti O Junior
    I just get so overwhelmed by everything on my plate that I shut down and don’t do any of it. I have at least six people that I need to respond to by email or some other way. I have a new piano teacher who’s expensive as hell and I need to practice really hard for. But with my mom and…that guy outside in his new stupid ass trailer all afternoon, I just don’t practice. One day I made it like I practiced four hours, when in reality I didn’t even touch the keys. And then there’s everything I have to do for…that thing….all fall. And I’m so overwhelmed and stressed about that, even though at the same time I’m completely slacking off and doing nothing to keep myself from freaking out. I just feel so incapable, and yet I’m being put up on this artificial pedestal that was only created because I was above average as a little kid. Well, I’m not a little kid anymore. My brain doesn’t work like it did when I was 7. I’m losing my mind. I have the memory and sanity of a 60-year-old, or maybe even older than that. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have a personality, and all I’m thinking about is rape and other horrible s---.

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