Aleks and the incidentals.
Thread Topic: Aleks and the incidentals.
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Bro, dysphoria sucks. Especially when you're non-binary but also trans, like bro, I just wanna look like a man. I thought I'd start with hair since it's my biggest problem, and literally, I have straight, flat hair, and a round face. My mom suggested that I cut it short and perm it, but I have to grow out my undercut, and I don't know if I'll pull it off. My other ma suggested a wolf cut, but styling it, ALL. THE. TIME. Ugh. I don't know what to do anymore...
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I enjoy studying my brain and the way I behave. The other day, I found out why I wanted children so badly, and it was because I want someone to need me, and I want to be able to give all of my unconditional love to them without feeling like I'm bothering them with my love.
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My colorguard captain had a really bad asthma attack today and I felt really bad because I didn't know how to help her. My other friend had to run to the band room to get her keys for her car because that's where he left her inhaler, and I just had to keep walking. I apologized to her later and she said it was fine, and that our band director would have probably gotten upset. I still feel like I could have at least stayed with her.
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You're fine. She knows you care about her. I think as long as you say you wanted to help and you would have if you could your still being a good person and you did what you had to do.
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I'm going to cry. Life is just so odd. Why is everyone so much more valued than me? Why am I so alone? Why was my brain molded the way it was?
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That feeling when you realize your parents don't love you as much as you thought.
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Cut to a pic of SpongeBob sitting in a booth with his hands clasped and a steaming cup in front of him, contemplating his existence.
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I love it when I seem fine to everyone else, but if literally anyone paid the slightest attention, they would notice that no, I'm not f---ing fine. Alas, people are stupid, and I am their one constant.
Because, if I wasn't fine, then why should anything be?
I hate it when people use me to define their reality.
I have to be how they conceive me, or else their version of reality is going down in flames.
Sigh.
Humans are such fickle creatures. -
Had a group therapy sesh with some friends yesterday.
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Everythings going to s---
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I don't need anyone.
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The people that surround me, I hold no deep emotional attachment to.
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So when certain people try to distance their selves from me, thinking that I'll come crawling back and beg for forgiveness, just to soothe their conscience, when I did nothing wrong, they're wrong. And I don't mind saying so. They will always need me more than I need them. Your mind games don't work on me.
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I will not reduce myself to such a pathetic state over the chance of them hurting me again, and if they believe that it's bulls---. I have been hurt too much and too often to risk being hurt on purpose. I am smarter than that.
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Don't underestimate me!
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