All Angels Break Down
Thread Topic: All Angels Break Down
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I feel small and helpless again.
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But it can't be trauma. Even if bad things happened almost every time a day was supposed to be good, that's just life. That can't cause trauma, right? If I said I feel like it did, people would say that it's just how life is and I need to learn to handle it. It's true. Life is full of s--- and never really goes your way.
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And yet I feel like a helpless child, crying in the corner, surrounded by darkness.
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My therapists say that's what makes up C-PTSD. The repetitive exposure to things that may seem small at first, but then they build up over time until it becomes a learned behavior. An expected part of my life. Like the yelling when I was little. I subconsciously expect people to yell at me now, especially if they're upset.
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I actually thought i made progress today. I think I made a difference and helped people today with the mental health resources and encouraged them, but now im just back to wanting to disappear. But, at least other people have things to look at now that will hopefully help.
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I was expecting my psychiatrist to rule out dissociative disorders, but surprisingly, she said there's no wonder why I would have one with the sort of things my mind does.
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When I try to recall things, sometimes its like, "Nothing really happened in my childhood." And then I remember this s--- that happened for years that wasnt "normal" and my brain tried to throw out the information because it happened "long ago" before I was 10.
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I'm still in denial that I have a dissociative disorder. I still question the validity of it all. I still question the conversations in my head. I still question the varying mannerisms, wondering if it's just a "change in my vibe". But it doesn't account for the change in name/pronoun/clothing/activity/music preferences and the change in habits/baseline moods/speech and the memory gaps and full-blown conversations/arguments in my head.
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This afternoon, Kieran said something, Ame responded, Aszerè told them not to say that, and they both told Aszerè to shut up. And the argument went on for 5 minutes or so.
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I dont even remember what the conversation was. I just remember that it started out with a rude statement.
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I'm sorry.
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I feel so blurry right now. Kieran is here, clashing with the other parts of himself.
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You cant be a pursecutor and protector at the same time... That doesn't even make sense.
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I feel really stressed and upset right now. I'm not spiraling, but im not level either.
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I have a strong urge to nuke everything i own. Every trace of my existence.
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