All Angels Break Down
Thread Topic: All Angels Break Down
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I woke up and immediately went to school. My algebra professor is mean, to say the least. She's been talking down to and humiliating all of us. She talks like we're little kids and every thing we say is insignificant and a bother to her to address. She told someone to be quiet. She told another person to just look something up online. She told a different student in front of the whole class that they were going to fail. And she told everyone else that no one was going to be talking to her after class because she had other things to do. Almost the entire class wrote to the dean, complaining about her behavior, so maybe something will change.
After that, I dissociated and my time slipped away. I don't even remember what I was doing most of the day. Right before my next class was supposed to start, I started feeling sick, and now I'm here. And I have to go to work tomorrow with this going on. -
And now my stomach is killing me.
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I'm feeling the effects of being off my medicine...
These thoughts are getting worse. -
0 days. After months without it.
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Sometimes you just want to die.
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I was thinking about a lot of things. I don't remember how I got to this point, but I remembered the struggles I've had with eating. I wouldn't say i had an eating disorder despite professionals trying to lable my lack of appetite as such, and I certainly didnt restrict food, but I had a physical issue with eating at some point. I remember years ago, I was bent on shaping my body and training my abs. I overworked my muscles during situps and got a horrible bruised feeling in my abdomen that felt like it was burning, and this lasted for months. It hurt to go to the bathroom and it hurt to eat. I didn't have an appetite for several months. And once I finally healed, for the next 3 years, whenever that month came around that I hurt myself, I always felt pain as if it were a reminder of the trauma my muscles endured. And I never went to the hospital despite the pain and hindrance it caused on my ability to eat. Then, there was a period where for two years I had to go to the bathroom at the exact same time in the evening, but whenever I had to go during dinner, I was accused of purging. I have emetophobia. Why would I make myself do the one thing that scares me most? But then, when I forced myself to eat more, people commented on the weight I gained. So I ate less and they said I was trying to starve myself. I gained weight last year because of the medicine I was put on after being in a residential facility for a month, and when my family saw me, the first thing they commented about was my weight. Even my first day back to work, my coworker said I gained weight. I wanted to destroy myself. I couldn't take it. I cried often because I felt overweight. Ive lost 15 pounds since then, and I'm happy to be able to fit most of my clothes again, but the comments about my body stay with me. They haunt me no matter how healthy I become. And for that, I hate myself.
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