alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here
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I want to be loved and I want people to be interested in me but when they are I end up overthinking everything regardless. I can’t ask for validation that they still like me every 4 days so I just end up letting the friendship die out before they end up hurting me
Then the person I was sure wouldn’t leave left and that habit has been reinforced because I really don’t want to be hurt again. I want a friendship like that, I want us to send videos of ourselves to each other, I want us to draw each others OCs, I want us to draw in our books together during a boring lesson and I want you to understand that I get drained easily and won’t be able to call a lot without having to tell you. She always asked me “wanna call if you’re not too drained” so I didn’t feel pressured to say yes and she gave me that validation and we vented to each other. I want to find something else like that but I’m scared I won’t because friendships take time and some people don’t like me -
If I don’t end up going to school tomorrow I might rearrange my hoarding trinket stuffs so their magic universe s--- coats my hands and my doctors appointment goes well
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I get validation that I’m not a massive weirdo through the littlest things so I know I’m not really being selfish for wanting love
Like someone jokingly saying they love me, more than one person liking my playlists, people replying to my stories, people asking me to show them stuff, people spamming me (when I’m not overwhelmed of course)
It’s not the big validation yk, just little things to make me temporarily happy. Like friendshippy things -
It feels like I’ll never have someone to do that stuff with ever again
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I want to give you a room tour and tell you about everything on my desk and make fun of our siblings and make OCs together and make matching bracelets and do cool friend stuff ugh
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Page 69 haha
I hate when my Babi comes up from Victoria. My dad tries to get us to hang out with her so plans visits without telling us -
Like could you not tell me the day before you decided that we had to visit her this afternoon in literally an hour are you serious
It’s him backing me into a corner and giving me no choice. He announces that we have to visit our grandmother the moment my mother (who also doesn’t like her) leaves to get her car fixed and I have no other option but to go. He announces it an hour before we have to leave when he knows I can’t happily leave the house without deciding a day in advance that I’m going to leave the house -
Back onto the friend stuff
I want to do those things so bad, like making OCs and playlists and bracelets, but it feels like I’m forcing it. I’m not close enough to anyone irl to do that (theoretically I could but idk if the friendship will last) and all my online friends have people closer to them than me so like -
Everyone I want to do these things with is already closer to someone else and has already done these things with them
I just want to be special ig -
i can make a playlist for you
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Then I’d be asking you to and that’s weird
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And you’d be feeling obligated to because of my vents
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i don't think it's weird, and i dont feel obligated to. If it would make you feel better then I gladly will, but if not then I won't do it
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I don't mind. you can if you want to but if i ask you to it would just obligate you to
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