alexithymia
Thread Topic: alexithymia
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no worries, good niiiight
human relationships are so bonkers -
For realsies it’s so weird
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She was the first one to make us bracelets, and to completely unprompted make a playlist for me, and to always always use my pronouns
And she just ended it all because of an argument about politics. I don’t know how to feel about that -
I don’t know why I was randomly thinking about it last night
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It felt like nobody had cared about me willingly like that before, then I just lost it
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I just wish it felt like someone had the same love for me
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I need the validation that I’m actually a good human. The confirmation that people care about me and take time out of their day to do things for me so I can do things for them. But I’m selfish for that because I never initiate it first
And I don’t know what friendship is supposed to look like so I just copy what other people with friends do which begs the question do I actually really like them and do they really like me OR is everything we do together forced because I feel pressured into maintaining this friendship
So unless people go out of their way to do things for me like making a playlist or a birthday card or literally anything I won’t know that we’re bestie boos because I can’t just ask that because they might just say yes because it’s considered rude to say no
I know I’m selfish for wanting people to do things for me and only doing things for them after they do things for me so that I know doing things for each other is allowed but otherwise I feel like I just won’t know when our friendship is at a high level. It’s so f---ing confusing because life isn’t a video game and stat bars for relationship levels don’t exist -
I’m so tired augh all I want to do is sleep
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these intrusive thoughts
my therapist told me to write them down but it feels so gross -
Let’s play a game of am I tired or depressed
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it feels like im doing nothing with my life compared to some people my age
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I guess I just need validation
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I had to be in a group task with my ex best friend.
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I can’t force myself to be neutral about literally anything. I obsess over the ones I love and I despise the ones who’ve done me wrong to the point where seeing them ruins my day
It kills me how one of the few people at that point keeping me alive left because of one stupid argument where I just wanted her to tell me what I did -
I don’t know what I feel right now but it’s not a good feeling
Theres just no reason to keep going anymore. Theres no reason to keep toughing it out because in the end, who cares? The world will keep spinning if I leave and when the sun exploded and the human race is wiped out, who died naturally and who didn’t won’t matter
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