woah
Thread Topic: woah
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i’ve had so many people leave me in my life so i start distrusting stability and favoring uncertainty. my brain tells me they’ll leave, so i distance myself, and because i distance myself, they do leave, and it creates this loop until i actually have to confront it
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i’ve done better. i’m still avoidant but i’m open with other people about my fears and surprisingly they’ve been remarkably accepting. instead of avoiding them i force myself to show up consistently. it’s been helping a lot but im still scared and still dread talking to people even if i know it’ll end well
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i used to really miss the person i was and the people i had. i don’t miss the person i was but sometimes i do miss the people, and then i tell myself that a door meant to be opened will be opened, and every other one will be closed. it doesn’t matter who shut that door. it was shut for a reason, and the only thing you can do with something out of your control is find a door that will stay open
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i just hate how much i doubt myself. i have potential. i know i do. i’m a good person. i try to be. but im so afraid and it’s something ive been having to push myself through
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these last few years have been awful to me and it started because of that loop. it started not because i was a horrible person because that concept doesn’t exist but it started because i didn’t confront that loop
and then i had to -
now i’m past that and went through an entire stage of resoiling, replanting, and regrowing. i have the sapling, i’m waiting for the tree. i’m waiting for the fruit that will come from the tree. patiently waiting
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i keep wondering when i’ll find my people and when i won’t be alone but i remember a sapling doesn’t produce fruit. a tree does. and if a sapling does, it’s sour, very sour, leaves a bitter taste on the tongue
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what helped me is marking the traits i loved to see in people i wanted to see grow in myself. that was kindness, integrity, compassion, love, gentleness, patience, resilience, courage, the quiet kind, not the loud kind
it has helped me a lot but i still have reaching to do -
i’m going to end the day with a thought: the past is for reflecting. the future is for choosing.
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awh my gosh i just spent 2 hours talking to the guy i like, we were just brainstorming ideas for his story and i was helping out lol 😭😭 i really like him, he’s very smart and i love the passion he has for personal projects im glad we spoke though, we usually don’t speak too much to each other and then one day he randomly recruited me to help out with his project LOL😭 im designing some characters, its been really fun brainstorming. its a nice challenge
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