woah
Thread Topic: woah
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i’ve had so many people leave me in my life so i start distrusting stability and favoring uncertainty. my brain tells me they’ll leave, so i distance myself, and because i distance myself, they do leave, and it creates this loop until i actually have to confront it
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i’ve done better. i’m still avoidant but i’m open with other people about my fears and surprisingly they’ve been remarkably accepting. instead of avoiding them i force myself to show up consistently. it’s been helping a lot but im still scared and still dread talking to people even if i know it’ll end well
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i used to really miss the person i was and the people i had. i don’t miss the person i was but sometimes i do miss the people, and then i tell myself that a door meant to be opened will be opened, and every other one will be closed. it doesn’t matter who shut that door. it was shut for a reason, and the only thing you can do with something out of your control is find a door that will stay open
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i just hate how much i doubt myself. i have potential. i know i do. i’m a good person. i try to be. but im so afraid and it’s something ive been having to push myself through
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these last few years have been awful to me and it started because of that loop. it started not because i was a horrible person because that concept doesn’t exist but it started because i didn’t confront that loop
and then i had to -
now i’m past that and went through an entire stage of resoiling, replanting, and regrowing. i have the sapling, i’m waiting for the tree. i’m waiting for the fruit that will come from the tree. patiently waiting
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i keep wondering when i’ll find my people and when i won’t be alone but i remember a sapling doesn’t produce fruit. a tree does. and if a sapling does, it’s sour, very sour, leaves a bitter taste on the tongue
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what helped me is marking the traits i loved to see in people i wanted to see grow in myself. that was kindness, integrity, compassion, love, gentleness, patience, resilience, courage, the quiet kind, not the loud kind
it has helped me a lot but i still have reaching to do -
i’m going to end the day with a thought: the past is for reflecting. the future is for choosing.
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