woah
Thread Topic: woah
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i think the reason i've been giving so much of myself to people who don't care is because i have low self esteem
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i thought i was over that and i had high self esteem. but there's a difference between having high self esteem and having higher self esteem than an all time low
it feels like a neural path just formed because genuinely i thought i was doing good in that criteria -
but there's this pattern of me giving too much to people who wouldn't care if i rotted or didn't. at first i kept thinking i was the problem and kept striving to better myself because of it
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but i was trying to earn love
and i still am
and love can't be earned -
i'm really glad i'm learning this sooner. it's a little soul crushing because i spent so much time and effort on people who just left
and then i always wondered why
and it created this pattern of fear
where i'd distance myself
and think i was doing good
when i really believed i was doing awful
it's weird, my brain was masking insecurities with confidence and it's still stuck in that -
and its so strange im just catching this. its really hard to grasp. i thought i had self esteem down but i didnt. its why i adopted so many different skills and forced myself to learn them. i thought i could earn love that way from someone. but after doing all of that and still getting love from nobody, only surface liking,
i need to try something new
i need to try self compassion -
somehow other people could catch it better than i could. that one teacher who told me i was really pretty, smart, but need to work on my confidence, another teacher who told me im too kind hearted to people who dont deserve it, i really didnt understand and it all seemed nonsensical. i thanked them anyway but im just starting to grasp it
compassion without boundaries is self-destruction
i've just been self-destructing -
now im really angry because i wish i could have caught that sooner because then i wouldnt have wasted so much energy on people who were only going to hurt me
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its fine. there's nothing i could do about it anymore. it's like this morning, i spent 2 weeks on a painting i was proud of and someone spilled white paint on it completely destroying it
we're angry but there's nothing we can do about it. we just learn and carry on. learn to preserve our masterpieces better, our becomings, and don't allow anything harmful to touch us unless we're learning something from it for future reference -
i'm not a vengeful person either. i think the hardest thing a person can do is be slapped across the face and take it with dignity. no, i'm not going to be slapped again, but i'm not going to slap you either. there is nothing gained through violence but hate
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gosh i've just been giving and giving and giving all these years sometimes i come to a point and stop and wonder if it's worth it anymore
and i'm just learning no, it's not worth it
i thought it was because i was helping people
but helping isn't helping if you're both stuck in quicksand
i was hurting
really hurting
i sucked that hurt up
and i kept watering myself with it
a rinse and repeat
until all i knew was that hurt
fire
blazing
burning
charred roots and dust
i don't know anymore man. -
i just know i can't keep doing this. i can't keep feeding myself fire. it only ever burns. i need water, the lasting kind, not the kind that makes you thirstier after the first sip
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i'm going to wait for my people and work on my self-esteem. i'm refocusing my compassion for others into self-compassion. i'm going to be selfish for a while in good favor
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self-affirming thoughts here for the journal. im smart. im kind. im talented. im persevering. im respectful. im gentle. im funny. im skilled. im learning. im empathetic. im compassionate. im brave. im curious. and above all, i am worth everyone's time. i am worth my own time. im an artist, a musician, a writer, an academic, and a scripter. i can do many things and i will be successful. my doubts don't define me because, regardless of what they are, im still a great person and im still very young. it's just better to get the hard things out of the way first
and people dont hate me like i always think for some reason. i'm just hyper-aware of my mistakes and other people's reactions because i'm socially attuned and sensitive. that comes with strengths but a lot of weaknesses especially because im an anxious overthinker and i take everything personally. i never mention it, but its been something ive been working on.
so, today, everything positive:
i spoke with a teacher who likes speaking with me.
a friend enjoys spending time with me and helped me paint another painting in an hour after my other one was ruined.
strangers like talking to me. i had a couple of random people talk to me and open up about random, silly things. this girl in my speech class told me "i chugged my red bull in a minute" so i told her she's next in line for the world record and i had another girl talk to me about my project and try to start conversation with me.
the lunch lady gave me a cookie (for free!!!) and told me it's because of how amazing i am:)) she is such a sweet lady i love her so much shes too nice
im one of my teacher's favorite students
thats a lot of positivity for one day. for some reason while positivity sticks with me, negativity just sticks a little better. unless its someone i genuinely do not look up to, i look up to a lot of people
alright im ending this on a positive note. im a person with high moral values and big integrity who just needs to practice more self-compassion so she doesn't give so much of herself to people who aren't worth her time -
that felt really good, sometimes i forget i'm good at cheering myself up lol
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