They call themselves "shaping and molding me" to be everything I should, but they're doing the exact opposite by trying to hard in most places and not enough in the places that lack their attention.
They just believe that if I act up out of their standards it's because I'm having my own problems that are "just plain weird" or "phases of rebellion" or it's just me "questioning their authority".
But, in reality, when I "act up" is when I'm acting as myself, and not necessarily wrong either, but it's not in the standards of what they try to make me be. It's just me learning or being me.
So, what they see to be my best and the work of art they formed me into is just a persona to please their asses.
And I mean it just like that. They're stubborn as hell and they don't give a damn about what they're doing to me, no matter how plainly I state it!
I'm feeling a little worried about this and angry because it's getting worse, and the more it does, the more I'm tempted to just let them see what I really feel about this...
But, that wouldn't lead anywhere good. I'm trying to hold out just a few more months. Once I'm 18, I'll be entitled to say some of this, at least, even though I won't be able to go anywhere.
I mean, I have said much of it, just in much nicer words.
I can't take it anymore, though. It's giving me traumatizing dreams. They're not exactly nightmares because it feels good to let it out in my dream, but I know that it'd cause problems if I did irl. Like, I dream about just telling them off. And nothing stops me from saying it as it is.
Used to have dreams like that once a month, but they're occurring more and more. They're repressed thoughts, and some of them turn violent, which isn't good.
They're so stubborn. I laugh, but not because it's funny. It's one of those dark laughs that you utter when you realize they're so stubborn, they wouldn't even help you for their own good.
They don't understand I'm capable of hurting them, and I fear myself so much every day. I feel I am unable to interact with them. It gives me anxiety, and they just mock and yell at me for closing myself off. I've told them that they've been invading my space and making me uncomfortable, but boundaries are still crossed.
...It's almost as if they want me to do something to them...
On one hand, I love them even in all this--I just want respect and space from them. But on the other hand, it'd feel good if I did do something...so good...and it's what they want.....
The thought kinda...relieves me...
It shouldn't, and I shouldn't, and I probably wouldn't because it's wrong.
But still...vengeance sounds blissful...
And they blame me and me alone that I'm the problem of my own mental health. No, it takes more than just existing. I have to exist in traumatic atmospheres, and these are the atmospheres I encounter daily. Something here, something there...It adds up. And they fail to realize this.
So I know what's contributing to my problems, but when I tell you the truth, you claim I'm lying. How do you know what my problem is or isn't?