Could you guys be as nice to proofread something I wrote?
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:21pm
Thread Topic: Could you guys be as nice to proofread something I wrote?
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It is for English class and I would appreciate it very much. ;u; I just want a Gringo-kun to make sure it is okay.
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sure...
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why not?
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Sure, Arisu-san. .3.
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Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. My name is ________ and today I will be defending my client in a case where the officials are attempting to send him to jail. Today, I will present to you, the jury, three pieces of evidence. That evidence will convince you that my client is mentally ill, and should be sent to a mental hospital instead of jail.
My first piece of evidence is something my client says that may make a person wonder about what goes on in his head. He says, ".. But why will you say that I am mad? .. You fancy me mad." A person who just murdered someone would worry more about being considered a murderer, not of being considered to be someone who is crazy. Its the conscience of the person that makes them think these types of things, and in most cases someone like my client should think, "I just killed someone, people will think I am a murderer!" not "I killed someone, people will think I am crazy!". It shows that deep down inside, even he knows he needs help.
Secondly, my client says two things that would seem unordinary and unreal. He said, "I heard all things in the heaven and in the earth. I heard many things in hell.". Not only did he say that, he also screamed to the police, ".. here! Here! - it is the beating of his hideous heart!". Saying this is not even slightly normal. It is not possible for a person to hear these types of things, and I don't think someone who would claim to hear them is mentally stable. Really, wouldnt you think that someone who says this is perhaps crazy, and needs serious help?
Last but certainly not least, is my final piece of evidence. My client does something strange, that Im sure will make you question him. Before killing the old man, my client watches him sleep for eight consecutive days. If someone did that to you, Im positive that youd not only be freaked out, but you would also be worried that this person was psychotic. What my client does is anything but normal. It shows that he has some issues going on in his head, and that he really needs help.
In conclusion, this is why I believe my client should not be taken to jail, but to a mental hospital. My evidence shows that he is insane and that he needs to be taken to a place where he can get help. I am sure that you, the jury, are convinced about this as well.
(some of the punctuation is missing, I know.) -
mental hospital sounds wrong. you should say something like "Instead of putting my client in jail, he should be put in hospital for the criminally insane where he will spend his sentence that will be given" or something like that
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Our teacher said it was fine to put mental hospital though. In fact, she encouraged us to use it.
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.3.
OHMYGAWD, THAT WAS PERFECT-
/SHOT -
oh ok...but other than that it was good
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If it's a speech, don't start off by stating what you're going to be talking about. It sounds somewhat bland.
Also, Psychiatric aid or something along that line sounds more pleasant than mental hospital. -
Thanks, Nuna.
Also, thank you James. It was something we were said was okay to do, but I'm going to guess that everyone else is going to do it too so I might as well change stuff.
And okay. I'll look into changing that I guess. -
your welcome
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