woah
Thread Topic: woah
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i am so not excited for finals today
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ajjsjskakak
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honestly just had a bit of a tough night. i don’t know why i keep pretending to be someone im not. i keep stretching myself so thin like I expect myself to cover hells canyon and the eiffel tower at once so i substitute my sources for something thinner, something that can cover further, something artificial, plastic
and it’s not working. it just drains me so bad until i spend nights like these debating if i really know myself as good as i say i know myself
and i sorta just realized i didn’t
i’m autistic and i keep forgetting that
and even just saying that feels so wrong and weird and different because i don’t like to feel different. but i am different. and that really just sucks, because all of these books i’ve been buying, all of the people i’ve been learning from, all of the conversationalists I admire aren’t autistic. and that’s where that disconnect comes from
i want authenticity even though i haven’t been authentic with myself
and i believe that reflects in all of my relationships because i don’t have a single close friendship. all of my friends are a product of masking which makes them exhausting for me to be around
I just read something the other day, “our relationships with others will only get as far as our relationships with ourselves”
and that stuck with me. and i got really angry. because i thought i knew myself and was close with myself, but then i thought deeper and realized i really wasn’t being true to myself
this really sucks man. I mean at least progress isn’t erased. im just building on it. at least im remembering this sooner though before i dig a deeper pit😕 i feel like i have this stereotype around autistic people i need to erase. im not a judgmental person, I love autistic and neurotypical people, but when it comes to me im especially harsh
I think im a perfectionist and thats why all of my relationships have to be perfect or they fall apart to me. that’s not how relationships work. they’re messy, and the only reason i think its perfect is because im seeing the outside views of everyone else’s relationships. and even then its not perfect!
anyway i was going to read more on it and then go to sleep. it’s just an interesting thing, i thought neurodivergent brains were similar enough to neurotypical brains so i could say “hey, i can do that too” and try to mingle with other people, and end up feeling like an alien because of it💔 everyone likes me, im a very nice person, but I just can’t be authentic to other people no matter how hard I try because im so scared of being judged
im going to work on it more -
i think i thought autistic people were socially disconnected people but i missed the part where it’s really not about that but more about a difference in wiring. it’s not a scale of social differences, it’s a massive spectrum with big differences even between other autistic people. a lot have talents, some are better conversationalists, some worse, it all just depends
i hadn’t really studied much on it but that’s just my basic limited understanding -
i had a dream where this random man i was talking to said something about my face so i said “my face belongs nowhere short of the national flag!” so he snorted and i continued “put my face on the country, baby!”
it didn’t even sound like me HAHA which just made it really funny😭😭 it felt like my confidence was bumped up by a giant amp LOL
i don’t remember the rest of the 2 minute conversation🙁💔 -
oh my gosh😭 14 days ago on the first page💔💔 this site is very dead
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happy new years✌
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boop😼!
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i’m going to keep going to the next page because❤
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wait noooo the bandage heart censor :( is bandage censor
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yes aw
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oh well💔💔🥀 at least heart isn’t censor
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ajsjjkwksoqiqskwkwk
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wkwokwowowwapwowekskwkww
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