Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Self-H*rm, R*pe, Su*cide, Others. Please Do Not View This Thread If These Topics Are Something You Can Not Talk About.
I Don’t Know Where This Belongs. Not The Front Porch. This is Not Romantic Whatsoever. This Can Be Moved To The Study If The Mods Feel It Is More Appropriate There.
I Am Desperate For Help.
I’m Typing In This Way In Order To Conceal My Identity. I’m Speaking A Little Different Too.
When I Was Twelve And Thirteen Years Old, I Was Being M*lested.
By My Boyfriend At The Time.
It All Seemed Harmless. We Had Been Good Friends For Over A Year and I Trusted Him. Innocently, He asked Me If I would Be his Girlfriend and I said yes. I Was Excited to Have My First Boyfriend.
I Was Happy. We Hung Out Often and We Even Rode The Same Bus. We Would Give Each Other Hugs and Say “I Love You’s.” When He Came Over and When We Would Go to My Friend’s House.
It Was Harmless.
Less Than A Month After We Started Hanging Out, He Wanted to Touch Me. He Kept Pressuring Me.
Saying Things Like “It’s Not Your Virginity.”
“You Just Have To Say Yes.”
“It’s Not Going To Hurt You.”
“Why Would You Be Scared Of Me?”
His Words Made Me Feel Guilty. It Would Hurt His Feelings If I Didn’t Let Him See And Do Things To Me. I Never Wanted To Hurt Him.
I Let Him. I Let Him Look At Me and Touch Me. I Let Him Put His Filthy Hands On Me, In Me.
He Was So Rough. He Did It Everyday He Saw Me and He Always Had The Same Excuse. Everytime He Would Do it, I’d Hurt and Bleed and Be in So Much Pain. I Didn’t Realize That Most of The Pain Was Actually Emotional.
I Didn’t Think About His Intentions. I was Twelve Years Old.
One Day, Over The Summer. I Finally Realized What Was Happening.
I Was At His House with Him and His Sister (Who I Believe was Nineteen At The Time.)
He Led Me to His Room and I Sat on The Bed. I Knew What Was Going To Happen and I thought I was Ready...
Even If I Didn’t Want It.
He Turned Some Music on His TV and Turned It to Max Volume. I Wasnt Sure why. It Hurt my Ears and I asked Him to Turn It Down But He Refused.
To Cut it Short, He pulled Me on Top Of Him and Shoved His Fingers Ins*de Of Me. I Screamed And Screamed And Told Him To Stop But He Held Me So Tightly That It Hurt.
He Stopped Finally and I Ran To His Bathroom and Cried Until I Could Leave. I was Hurting, Bleeding, Emotionally In Pieces.
When I was Home, I Received A Message.
“We could have f---ed if my sister wasn’t there.”
I’ve Kept This Hidden From Everyone Since it Happened, Which Was A Few Years Ago.
My Parents Have No Clue, No One Knew.
I Wanted To Be Brave and I Told A Few Friends I was Close to, Who Accused me Of Lying and Called me Derogatory Names.
I Became So Depressed. I Attempted Su*cide Several Times and H*rmed Myself Almost Everyday.
I’m Still Lost.
One Person I Know In Real Life Knows About This and Believes Me.
I Don’t Know What To Do.
It Still Hurts. Sometimes, I Still Cry Myself To Sleep At Night.
And I’m Hiding Everything. It’s Like My Whole Life Is Fake.
What he did to you does not reflect on you in any way. It reflects on him. He's worthless, not you. Your parents might be able to get you psychological help, or hold him accountable somehow. There's not much strangers on the internet can do to help. I'm sorry.
Abuse and the aftereffects have a way of festering like a wound you cannot see. I suggest, you tell a guardian. I know that is hard but finding professional help is crucial to you right now. If you cannot disclose this information to a trusted adult or guardian, you should consider finding support groups and networks online who focus on helping one another, until you are able to find the support and therapy you need.
If you do not have the confidence to speak to somebody face to face about your situation, you do not have to. There are ways to go about it, such as sitting them down and handing them a letter disclosing this information, or perhaps writing an email or text. Set your boundaries and let them know this is a serious topic before you have this discussion, many people are not experienced with handling these situations.
Lastly, what happened to you is not a reflection of who you are. I was a victim of csa, and in many ways, I relate to you. For myself personally, I have been saving money to afford professional help. I have nearly reached my goal, so not all is lost despite how much one may feel they have lost. You have the ability to build up something new for yourself. I hope one day, you will be able to join me on this journey and find the help you need. You are not alone. I am sorry about what happened to you and I am wishing you the best.
First of all, I am so sorry this has ever happened to you. He cannot do that to you, no matter what he thinks.
Whoever he is, he needs to burn in hell. Nobody deserves something that awful, even the worst.
Telling your parents is something that you need to do, it doesn’t matter how scared you are. Your parents care, and if not, contact his parents. Tell the school, tell anyone who’ll listen. Because f--- him.
Do not see him again, call the cops or something. What he’s doing to you is not okay.