It's not like I don't want to be happy. It's a despite, how hard I try. I can't bring myself to be happy. I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed. Why did I have to be this way? I have a great family, amazing friends, good academic results. On paper, everything is okay. Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey. It's like there's this burden on me, pulling me to the ground, and however hard you try, you can't bring myself out. I can't bring myself to care about anything. Not me, not him, not her, living has become the constant nightmare. And it's just not fair. Society will tell me to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditation. I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation. It's a disease that affects ever aspect of my life. My work, my relationships, my education... And to this day, despite my efforts to explain, I am always met with blind hesitation. People ask me; "Why are you always so sad?". I tell them I don't know... I don't know. What I do know is that I wake up every morning feeling like absolute crap, and that's become my norm. I'm afraid of the world, I'm afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I can't control. Where's the fairness of it all? Do you think I like to watch myself fall? Into this hole of self hate, shame, and loathe? So I hide them, and I put up a wall that's so high you will never see my pain or any of my flaws. I create this character. And she is perfect. She's invincible. And so I carry on living these two lives, one for the public and one just for me late at night. Cause that's easier than admitting I have a problem. And that's the problem. The stigma is real people, and it will not go away until we realise that mental health IS a big deal. It's a hidden disease affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries. It's a kid who never speaks, or the man who's always tired. The woman who's too emotional, or the man who just got fired. Cause he was absent a lot. He couldn't get out of his bed due to his mental health, but do you think any of his colleagues knew that? Of course not. Depression is the hell inside me, and it eats me up daily.
Ethel, you are so important to me and everyone around you and I want you to always remember that. I know that you'll be able to find a way through this tough time because you are even tougher. Even though it sounds scary, let your guard down around people that you trust. I will love you and accept you in both persons and happiness will come to you.
Also, I'm sorry that I didn't respond sooner and made you feel like you were all alone. Trust me, you're not. Other people know what you're going through and have made it out on the other side. I believe that you can too.
White sharpened his knife against a skinny long metal pole maliciously as Cyan stood before him with a frightened glint he could seem to see through her helmet. "Don't worry, Cyan," He chuckled half to himself. "This'll only hurt a bit."
Cyan glanced down at the ground, before peering back up. "If this is how it ends," She whispered. "Then I'm glad I'll die by the hands of a friend..."
Suddenly, an emergency meeting echoed throughout the entirety of The Skeld. Now feeling mixes of nervousness, fear, anxiousness, and shock, White lowered his knife, before grabbing Cyan's hand and rushing towards the Cafeteria.