Dark and other people who are amazing writers,
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:34pm
Thread Topic: Dark and other people who are amazing writers,
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Please. I really want to improve.
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Please.
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Firstly, before I start reading, I'd suggest something a little less... vague to describe the story. Add some meat in there to make the reader intrigued and continue on to the story. Not just a couple sentences, okay?
I'd suggest something like this: The beginning of a beautiful friendship began in Kindergarden. Ever since, Louis and Niall grew up together in harmony. They were inseparable. But what will happen when Niall's long-time girlfriend breaks things off and Niall decides to handle it in a rather unhealthy way? Will his friendship with Louis become too much and finally separate them? Or will Louis stick with his friend until the end and finally pull Niall out of his depressive state? -
K. Gonna read it now.
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Wow. I need to learn how to do that.
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Okay. So I just got done reading it. I'm feeling a little unsatisfied. It was short. I feel like it lacked a lot of detail you could have put into there. I knew it had potential, but in a way, I was let down?
There is no set theme here. It took me a maximum of two minutes to go through all of that and it went by really quick. With that, you need to add more details or make it longer to actually make the reader understand what is being narrated more. Here, would you mind if I rewrote your writing and point out some things for you? -
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Yes please.
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I' feel a little bad that you were let down by it.
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* I
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Niall had a feeling that it was coming. He was too overwhelmed with the long distance relationship he held with his girlfriend, Brandillyn, who too couldn't seem to handle it. He was expecting that call. The call that would finally end it. Just when the room was spinning and his vision was turning black, Niall felt his phone vibrating on the coffee table in front of him. He was hesitant to pick it up, but with shaky hands decided to do so anyway.
"Hello?" Niall's voice was shaky and nervous.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore, Niall, we're over." And that's when there was a click on the other end.
Niall dropped the phone, placing his face into his palms. He couldn't do it. He couldn't take this. He began to feel nauseated and dizzy. He tried standing up, but fell back down onto his bed and broke down. A salty stream of tears ran down his face as he began to stand up and pace.
"I knew it! I knew it was coming!" Niall shouted, his face wet and crinkled. He turned to the wall and threw his fist at it, but failed to drill a hole into the space and crouched, holding his fist with his other hand.
Niall stood back up again and continued to scream and cry, drilling his clenched fist into the wall, the swing becoming harder each time. The noise became so unbearably loud that his neighbors began to recognize it, including Niall's friend, Louis.
Rushing footsteps made small thumps as Louis hurried himself over to Niall's apartment building. He brought his arm up and began to bang on the door, causing Niall to stop and try to regain his composure, then dragging himself downstairs to see who was there.
Just as he finally caught his breath, Niall opened the door ever to slightly to he a very concerned Louis staring back at him.
"What do you want?" Niall grumbled.
"Jesus Christ, Niall! Are you okay?" Louis inquired, reaching out for his friend when suddenly the door was slammed into his face. Louis heaved a sigh and leaned against the door, bringing his arm up to shade his forehead.
Niall made sure to lock the door before racing upstairs and pausing in front of his doorway. He exhaled with a hint of exasperation before he inched towards his bed and plopped into the safety of his sheets. He reached towards the end of a soft white blanket and drug it over his head, resting the blanket there.
"I'm done." Niall sighed, closing his eyes. -
Notice that it was a little less short. Not too short, but not too long, you know? And the details actually give information to the situation. I tweaked some things in there but not too much. Giving such imagery will make the reader understand what's going on and give the reader the mood and theme of the story. Alright?
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*Rushing footsteps made small thumps as Louis hurried himself over to Niall's apartment.
Where did that "building" come from? -
*to see a very concerned Louis
ugh -
I really like it. I'm going to edit it.
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