Dark and other people who are amazing writers,
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:34pm
Thread Topic: Dark and other people who are amazing writers,
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Niall lives in a neighborhood, actually, and Louis is his neighbor. There are no apartments.
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Alright.
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That was what I tweaked. But you can edit that out if you want to.
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I tried realky hard. Did I improve?
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* really
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I clicked on the link, and nothing changed. Hold on.
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Oh, never mind. It changed.
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On my wattpad app, it's different. On the link, nothing changed. What's going on?
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This is what it looks like on my Wattpad app.
This is what the link brings me to.
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You did improve slightly. There are still some things needing to be filled in.
First thing is the repetition of the word 'warm' when you said, "Sobbing into his pillow, he could feel the warm tears on the soft fabric of his pillow and how warm his face was."
Maybe you could say something more like, "Niall immediately collapsed onto his bed, bawling into his pillow. His warm, salty tears soaked into the soft white fabric and reminded him how wet his face was."
Then there was the fact that Niall suddenly stopped to hear Louis. How would he know that Louis was coming and suddenly stop to listen to him? Just make him keep crying until his little "explosion" is interrupted with Louis banging on the door.
And, "Niall lazily dragged himself down the stairs, and there Louis was."
Is he inside the house?
"He didn't stop banging on the door. He demanded Niall to answer it."
Oh, so he's outside of the house. Just take out the "there Louis was" part.
Something more like, "Niall lazily drug himself down the stairs, exhaling and not bothering to go check to see who it was." would probably work.
"'Yes?' Niall answered in frustration."
Throw in, "Niall finally managed to inch himself towards the door and swing it open with a quick tug." You made it sound like he didn't even have to open the door.
"'Jesus! Niall, are you okay?' Louis screamed unpleasantly."
What? He screamed? I thought Louis would be more considerate than to make a scene. And 'unpleasantly' isn't really correct in that context.
"'Brandillyn broke up with me.' Silence filled the room."
Louis is outside though. Something more like, "There was a moment of silence." would work.
"'I'm sorry.' Louis added."
'Added' isn't correct in that context. 'added' means to say something directly after the same person who just spoke pauses, then says something again. Replace 'added' with 'mumbled' or 'sighed, shuffling his feet'.
"Can you just leave? I need to be alone. I don't need your company. It's bothering me."
The "It's bothering me." part is slightly redundant.
"'I'm done.' He said while flopping onto the safety of his bed. He covered his entire body and cried himself to sleep."
but don't you think he needs to walk up the stairs first -
Try that link.
I'm up past midnight writing this stuff. I really want to improve. -
I know a lot of what I just said to you was nit-picking, but it's nit-picking that will help your writing sound better, alright?
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What is going on? That led to the unedited version. O.o
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Oh, I missed that. Late post. Sorry. ^~^
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Okay. I'll go edit it again.
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