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- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:32pm
Thread Topic: No Subject
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I want to learn what it feels like to bring pain upon yourself. I know someone's going to leave me, I need to be prepared to just hurt myself because I'll be all my fault. No, I'm scared of it. And it hurts. I haven't felt this strong emotional pain since my close grandfather died a four months after my sister was born. How do you get the guts to do something like that? Someone, please, tell me.
I know I like pain. I'm just too scared (is that even the word?) to try to hurt myself. -
It's not going to be all your fault. Not your fault at all, actually.
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Yes, it will. I'll be my fault for not being good enough to get you to stop.
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No. Don't think that, please, please don't think that. It's not that you're not good enough, not at all. It isn't even about you at all, please, don't. I love you so much, and it will never, ever be your fault.
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Kiddo hurting your self is a bad thing.
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But I don't want you to leave. You don't know how hard I cried that night, when I got on and you were posting about how you were going into the rain to go get things to kill yourself. You don't know how panicked I was when I contacted Julianna and told her I was too scared to call 911 and so she did it for me. I thought I had lost you. I thought that it was all my fault because I left you in anger. And then I though maybe you had died, because you didn't get on. I thought maybe they hadn't got to you in time. I was so, so scared. I broke. And then when you came on, I was so happy. I thought that maybe it would get better. And then, you know, we got back together. I was more than happy. I was proud of myself for saving you, for making it "all better". Yet you're back to thinking about killing yourself. It hurts. It hurts, so much, to know that I love you and you'd think that. It scares me because I can't help. I won't ever be able to help.
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I don't f---ing care. My skin isn't even pretty, it won't matter. I can pass it for cat scratches.
I already have music, but thanks for the offer. -
It's alright. I'm not going to, right now, or probably anytime soon. I just hit a low, and was thinking about it again. It's okay, don't worry. I love you. Please don't worry.
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But that's what gets me. That "probably". You probably won't get an idea and try. You probably won't succeed and get stuck in that thing again. Or you probably might succeed. You can leave me at any time because you have the guts to. I can't. I'd cry over dying. You can't tell me not to worry after you've said all of that, though. You just can't.
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I don't goddamn care about that dark. I've actually acomplished a feet in not smoking for almost a year because I had friends. I don't want you to hurt yourself kiddo it's somethinf people shouldn't do.
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Doesn't mean they won't. I'm so tired of acting like it's perfect. Sure, I don't have a bad life, but there are other people that do. And I feel like I have the need to just break for them.
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..What if I promise not to? For you? And just for you?
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Would you keep that promise, though?
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I would, if I were making it to you.
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