I need to whine at someone.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:27pm
Thread Topic: I need to whine at someone.
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Don't read it if you don't want to deal with me.
I finished all of my Finals, and did well enough to not only maintain A's and B's, but raise a C+ in one class to an A. My grades haven't been so good since Elementary school, so maybe that can stop causing me so much stress.
On top of my grades, I've had more reason to be happy lately, and it's distracted me well. But I could still never manage to completely leave behind that f---ing ocean in my head. I say ocean not to be dramatic, or relay that there is "an ocean of emotions" in my head or something. It's more physical than that. The feeling that there is actually a real warmth, be it blood or water, filling my head and my chest and suspending everything and it makes me feel empty.
I don't really give a damn about my grades. In all honesty, I would just let them slip and live the rest of my life miserable and unemployed, just because the stress of dealing with my grades is more than I can take. No one seems to understand just how constrained my limits are. I can't handle all of the pressure, I can't handle the disappointment, and I can't handle the thought of living another year without my music when I f--- up and my mom takes it away again. I can't deal with any of it.
I can't even manage to talk to my own friends anymore. I can't find the energy to be interested in them, or anything really. I can't find the right words and I know I look like an a--hole, ignoring and avoiding my friends, but I don't want to be the one that responds to everything with "mhm" because I just don't want to be talking to them. It's not their fault. It's not a matter of disliking them. I so want to want to be around them. I just can't.
I can't deal with walking around pretending I don't feel like I don't belong here. I know they say they love me, but if they knew my real nature, if they knew the things that I stand for, how everything I support is the opposite of what they do, they'd hate me. I'm walking on eggshells in my own home just to avoid being a disappointment again. I'm getting in the way again. I'm so tired. All the time, all I ever want to do is sleep. I'm tired no matter how much I do sleep. Staying up well into 3 am probably doesn't help me.
Knowing that there's nothing in this house to do but sit around and think or watch tv and be mindless.. I clean up sometimes, too. I clean up the entire kitchen and the living room every night before I go to sleep- it kept me awake an extra 3 hours last night. I clean up to be useful, because god knows I've never actually accomplished anything in my life. She can say she's proud of me. She can say she'd never be disappointed in me or disown me or hate me. She says she'd never turn on me. But I don't believe it. I don't do anything to make it worth dealing with me. Sometimes I wish she'd just make me leave so I'd have an excuse to go away and never come back. I think I might prefer that to staying here.
I still have too much time alone to think, too. My fear of dying is peaked while I lie in my bed at night trying to fall asleep. I can't even get in bed without imagining how it would feel for the roof to cave in above me and crush all my bones. I imagine, especially, the feel of my ribs cracking and being forced into my organs and sharp bits of the ceiling impaling my temple. I think about it, and I know there's no reason it shouldn't happen. There's nothing to prevent me from dying and no reason why I shouldn't and it makes me panic until I can't breathe and it turns to gasping and sobbing and trying so hard to stay quiet because my little sister is asleep in the same room and I can't afford to wake her up with my terror anymore. The truth is I'm a f---ing mess. I can't cope with how I feel, all the time, oppressed and borderline suicidal, except I'm too afraid to kill myself. I hate this. I hate everything. I can't wait until I move out and live on my own so I'm free to curl up in a corner and lie there for hours without worrying whether someone will walk in and start talking to me. -
I will talk to you
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*huggles Maru senpai*
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I don't really want to talk. I just want to lament like a b----.
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*is huggled*
Thank you, Izzy. -
You're welcome Maru Senpai. *smiles* You should have seen me today!!*arms wave around*
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What happened today?
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Sunneh, no. *cuddle*
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I almost got into a fight for sticking up for someone!
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What?
*is cuddled* -
*So I saw.
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I don't want you to feel yucky. *strokes*
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I can't help that, Sissi. I'm a mess. That's all.
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Well can we at least be messes together?
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On the Internet, sure.
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