Is anyone still on?
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:27pm
Thread Topic: Is anyone still on?
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Please let me know if you're out there.
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I guess not. But I'm just going to say what I need to say and then I'll go.
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I don't know what kind of person I'm supposed to be. I've always considered myself to be a bad guy. I come here, I fight people, I hurt feelings, I bully, and then I leave.
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That is who I am. That is who I have been for the longest time. And that is all anyone ever sees me as. I have become a commodity. Everyone knows me as the guy who can be mean for a good reason. I am a villain.
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And do you know why I'm a villain? Because I am cruel in a way that nobody can ever prepare for.
If I were truly evil I would make other people think I was considerate. I would build up a title as the good guy. Defender of the people. I would start my metaphorical avalanche and let everyone else's opinion of me keep me going. -
And then once everyone saw me as some good person, I would be able to let out as much hatred and anger as I wanted. And no matter how much I proclaimed how little I cared for anyone else, and how much hate I showed, I would still be seen as a good guy. And in that respect I would be invincible.
That's what a real villain would do. -
The fact is that I am a miserable individual. I am. I'm tired and lonely. I'm saddened and bitter. And I have watched myself become a bad guy.
And the most horrible part... is that I can't stand to be any different. -
My mind is going blank right now. I feel like I'm supposed to have a purpose for all of this and yet I'm drawing a blank.
It's not a fun place being here. It's not fulfilling to be mean. -
At this point I don't know if I'm a villain because I'm mean or if I'm mean because I'm a villain. I'm not sure if I want someone to finally stand up against me or to accept me unquestioningly and be compassionate.
I show different people what I feel like I should be to them. Some masks are more enjoyable than others. But the bottom line is that I am scared. -
I'm not sure what I'm scared of. I guess that is the side effect of being a liar. I've forced enthusiasm to so many people that I've hit the point I don't trust anyone else's joy. I am immune to any compliment. Love and admiration are like those words you just keep saying over and over again until they stop meaning anything and just turn in to a pattern of sounds and expressions that you can use to make others feel how you want them to feel.
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And because of this mind numbingly repetitive thing called "feeling" I have succeeded in drawing in and then hurting some of the only people who matter to me. I am numb. The only sick thrill I get anymore is feeling important in a conversation. That is my dirty little secret.
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It's ok to be scared. There's is nothing wrong with admitting that you are afraid of you are. But atleast you had the balls too. You are who are and no one can force you to change. I know i would never ask you to change. I accepted you for who you are a long time ago. All of the flaws and many..different egos that you have. I wouldn't ask you to be any different. Because I know you wouldnt ask me to change either. You are not a villain.I dont believe that you are mean for the simple fact that you speak your mind. You know what you wanna say and you say it. If people cant understand how independent and open minded you are then that's their problem. You are not a bad guy to me. And its alright to afraid of who are and what you might turn out to be. But you have to accept yourself just as you want others to accept you.
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And because of that I am immune to compliments. Because of that I end up hurting the people I am close to. And because of that I am loved.
How much does it say about me that the most horrible person I can be is someone who is loved? -
Atleast you know that you want to be loved. even though you say you are immune to it.
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I don't know what I want, nuna. The only comfort I'm taking in all of this is that I'm not a sociopath.
As a human being I will hurt some people and I will make some people happy. The vast majority of those people don't matter to me.
There is however a small percentile of people who I let past the first few masks and get to know me closer.
When I hurt those people I feel a confliction of determination because "at least I said what I felt" And self loathing because "I had to say what I felt".
When I make those people happy I fell a confliction of pride because "I made this person happy" and mistrust because "this person is lying to me. I shouldn't be able to make them happy."
Even now I'm building up my analogies wrong. The thoughts I've written down are easily flawed to let you point out the flaws and decide in your head that I'm just feeling down and you can somehow pick me up.
And because of this you cannot see me as a bad person. Like I said, I can't stand to be any different.
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