tachycardic
Thread Topic: tachycardic
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Ok
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i don't know if i want to be with her again, and i don't know if i even LIKE her or if it's just comfortability. whatever it is, im not being sincere to her and that is my fault, regardless of how im feeling. its not fair to be this dishonest but i dont know if im just in a weird point mentally, where i have trouble feeling or if i truly do not love her. just a week ago i was back to head over heels and she does one small thing and it just brings me right back to how it used to be. and i just can't f---ing get over it no matter how much we talk about through things, i can't move on and she can't understand and i think we will never work. and then there's f---ing enzo my best friend and i love him more than i love her for sure, but i don't know how i love him. i don't know. i sleep with him on his couch overnight sharing the same pillow and call him all hours of the day and it almost feels like im being unfaithful, even though we've never flirted. so i think i feel like im doing something wrong because i love him and not her. but me and her aren't even back together yet and im so so scared that we will be
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i felt love for her like this a long ago and she f---ing wrung it out of me over years of us dating and now she's back and i can't just make those feelings appear, especially if he's there. like i've only felt this way about her before. and i feel it again, but for him and it's just so f---ing confusing. and this time around it doesn't feel forced. we've been friends with ZERO romantic connotations for going on four years now, and now suddenly feeling like this for him feels so much more natural and i just don't know if it's platonic or not. and if it's not, what then?? what then? i can't ruin things with him but i also want more but she wants me and i know she loves me so much but she's hurt me so many times and i just can't lose myself again like that.
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like sometimes he's so completely obtuse and selfish and it makes me think he doesn't care about me like that and then other times he'll say something about me that required him to pick my entire character apart and understand what he found inside and it makes me so happy and i feel like i'm the exception and then other times i feel like just another friend. i'm so much more secure about us now, compared to a couple years ago, but sometimes it's difficult. being around his family and feeling so welcome and comfortable helps though. and when they say things to me that makes me think he talks about me frequently i feel at the top of the world i just wish he'd be more forward? he's about the complete opposite of liking physical touch, like i am. i shy away from anyone including family touching me apart from 2-3 very specific people, and so does he. i watch him get irritated when anyone touches him and then he goes the extra mile to brush against me, stand too close to me, nudge me, even touch my head when he thought i was asleep. he lets me fuss over his clothes when they're disheveled and lean against him when looking at his phone and so much f---ing more confusing moments that make me think i'm going crazy.
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and our intimacy of knowing each other so well we can convey thoughts completely silently and like i just want that forever i guess. even if we don't get together, which im still not sure if i even want, i never ever want to have to stop talking to him for someone else and i never want him to be closer to someone else like we are. is it selfish? surely. do i think he thinks the same thing? undoubtedly. it's not the same with my other
friends. the things he says to me go further. when he BEGS me not to get with my ex, and brings it up all the time on his own, my other friends tell me what could go wrong and recommend solutions. when he tells me that i was the catch, and that her treating me like that was rubbing dirt on diamonds, my other friends tell me i deserve better. when i withdraw from people, he tells me im not a workload and to not shy away out of insecurity, and my other friends say nothing at all. if he makes fun of me too harshly, he actually backs down, apologizes, says i'm his friend and he feels bad. we go somewhere with friends? we only have to exchange a glance to know that he'll be sticking with me in my car, and refuses anyone else. a group hangout goes long? everyone goes home, and that's the end of it. our hangout goes long? i f---ing wake up on his couch at 10:30 in the morning. i know im not imagining it anymore. i just want to know if im actually seeing things for what they are. -
intended to break up with her and she brings me flowers and a stuffed animal and sushi ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ i want to love her so bad
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can i be lobotomized pls
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ok i ended things w her :/
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this is the worst hangover of my life somebody kill me
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