Weird things about my brain and morals
- Locked due to inactivity on Feb 18, '24 3:54am
Thread Topic: Weird things about my brain and morals
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Alright so first off: my friend went to college to be become a psychiatrist and is pretty sure I have some form of Antisocial personality disorder, I just don't have the time or money to get an official diagnosis.
Second: my wak ass moral code.
1: Don't f--- with innocents*
2: if you are innocent, if you cause problems of one of my current Friends** you are no longer innocent
3: if you do good things out of fear, you are not a good person.
4: animals are sacred, people who harm them even unintentionally are not innocent.
5: follow laws, I won't do well in jail.
6: blood doesn't matter. If someone I'm related to Is a dick, I'm not related to them.
* my view on 'Innocent' is a little weird. It essentially boils down to "someone that has no desire to cause harm, physically or emotionally" this does not mean an innocent can't cause harm, just that they don't want to.
** like innocents my view of 'Friend' is wak. I value entertainment over all else, and I don't see you or the situation around you as entertainment I wont consider you a friend. I have a strange habit of obsessing over those I consider entertaining, finding out as much about them as I can and if I am able I will shower them with gifts that pertain to their interests, often at very random times (for example, one of the people I'm currently fascinated with is my brother due to how he narrorates himself playing his games, so I bought him 100 dollars worth of blue eyes dragon merch)
I can't feel pain correctly. I'm aware when I'm injured, but I can't tell how badly unless I actually look at it. For example i once had a nail go through my foot and walked around for about 3 hours thinking I had just stepped on a pointy rock until someone else pointed it out
My fight or flight is utterly f---ed. Unless it's something that will instantly kill me, I don't register it as a threat. And in the case where it is something that can kill me instantly, I will take stock of the situation and decide what to do from there (as a little kid I once attacked a feral dog with a fork because it attacked me first smh I was a crazy child)
I view the world in a more scientific manner, im more interested in how things work then what's actually going on, like if two groups are fighting I'm more interested in their combative strategies rather then the WHY they are fighting
That's all for now I think, I'll post more here as I figure things out -
I can't comprehend emotions like grief or sadness. I don't understand why people get sad and greive when things die. It's not that I haven't had something I cared about die, I care for my pets far more then I care for any human, but when they die I don't grieve for them. If they die because of something I did (ie not doing water changes in my giant fish tank often enough for goldfish, or the water in my area being terrible for fish) then I learn from it and adjust my method. If they die of something I can't control like illness or age, then I just accept it. If they are dead they can't suffer anymore in their condition, and re enter the cycle
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Talking with my brother and he pointed out that I have a blantent disregard towards living things existing. And he's not wrong? I acknowledge that living things are living, but in the same manner that one would consider a car living. You put fuel in and it runs as it should, you have to do maintenence from time to time to keep things running, and when it's use has been fulfilled its nolonger required and can be cast aside.
I just can't make myself form attachments properly, and sense I noticed it's become rather....distressing? That's not the right word, I'm not upset about it, but I know I should be upset about it, and I don't know another word for it. If someone stops talking to me or just leaves I'm fine with it, and I'll just move on to the next interesting person or thing, but I know that's not right. I should be caring about things like this, right? My brother gets upset at the thought of breaking of with his girlfriend, but when I broke up with both my X's I was fine and just went on with my life as if nothing happened, I don't understand why he and others get attatched to things -
There's a strong disconnect between me and my body. But it's not in the disphoric way? This is my body, it's a good one, I just don't feel like I'm actually in it. All over my movements and actions feels distance and numb, like I'm moving a puppet on a string or giving commands to a robot. From.qhat I understand it is like disassociation, but it's not. I do disassociate from time to time, but whatever this is it's not that, because it's like this all the time. Somedays it's harder to make this flesh puppet do things and the disconnect is more noticeable (today is one of those days, that's why I'm remembering to type this up)
I would say my body feels heavy, but that isn't right. It's less of weight, and more of an absence of it? Everything feels so floaty, but it's harder to move, like I'm making my body move through jelly. It's an odd mix of weightlessness and weight that's just difficult for me to find words for.
The only good part about it is that I can't feel temperature very well because of this. I usually can tell if something is hot because I will start sweating, and cold makes my bones tight, but there's no variation in temperature levels. This has caused problems in the past where I gave myself a heat stroke on accident, because I genuinely couldn't tell how hot it was -
Sometimes I remember 5th birthday and wonder if I'm even a living being. I don't remember much of the day besides the morning, but I remember waking up and not remembering anything. Just....nothing. I remember laying in bed for a while before mom called for me and that's how I remembered(learned?) My name. It's one of the few memories of my childhood I can clearly remember and it always strikes me as so odd. Is it normal to not remember anything beyond a certain point? If not, why can't i? Why couldn't I remember anything from before the point I woke up?
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Are you on the spectrum?
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I'm adhd, but thats all I've been tested for, and that was a long time ago so for all I know that could be incorrect
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My mother freaked out because she thought my kitten had escaped today, but even though I spent two hours looking for him I didn't feel a shred of concern. Just annoyance. Not at him, I didn't really feel much about him escaping despite knowing there are dogs loose in the area. I felt annoyed at me and my mother. My mother because she didn't put him in a room while going in an out of the house knowing he likes going outside, and myself because I wasn't feeling the correct emotions. I'm enamored with this kitten. He's very entertaining and cute, and he's Mine, but why wasn't I concerned when he was in possible danger? Why was I just ok with letting him get hurt or killed?
(He was fine, turns out he was in my room the entire time and she had just lied about checking in here for him)
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