Maybe everyone is right about me.
I'm just a hoe with no life and no chance of ever finding true love.
I somehow mess it up every chance I get. Whether it be by doing something later on, or just the initially voicing of loving someone being a mistake in itself.
It doesn't matter if I believe that my feelings are real and more than desire.
It just never goes well.
I don't deserve anyone.
And every time I hurt, I begin to shake with anxiety. I freeze in fear, and it feels like I'm trapped in a nightmare, begging on the inside for it to end.
I don't know how to express that in words, usually, but again--I'm not talking, and as these are my raw emotions, it's easier for me to just do this as I feel them.
But this is what happens, and my parents don't even understand that I'm really not playing. They call it me being a baby.
If that's not true trauma, then I don't know what is!
In all honesty, sometimes the thought of suicide sounds so comforting. But I could never bring myself to it. Maybe not even for people, but for being such a chicken to harm myself in any way.
It just hurts so much, and I know everyone says "suicide's not the answer".
But anything that's typically the answer isn't allowed to be the answer for me.
My parents abuse every aspect of what it means to be Christian, and that might be my biggest reason as to why I'm reconsidering what I am.
Also, no matter what the situation, I always seem to struggle more and more each day, and I can't name a single thing that God has given an outcome that didn't result in more pain.
Like, what the f--- did I do to deserve all that?!
The thought of being alive for the people in my life is one-sided because I'm always being used by them. So why would I want to live just to be their doormat? No matter how much I think I love them, I shouldn't have to be alive just for that.