Bet you didn't think that I'd come back to life stronger.
Thread Topic: Bet you didn't think that I'd come back to life stronger.
I don’t know if you’re going to come on here one last time this year.. but here it goes:
Hey, Blue. Or Blue-eyes.. Kindle. Bears..
This will be the last message to and about you.
I think I'm done. I'm done trying to pick the pieces I shattered. I'm only making myself bleed more and more trying to put them back together. I'm only hurting myself trying to do so.. Trust me. I wish it didn't hurt the way it does, because then I wouldn't mind picking up those shards over and over again. I'd continue doing so because that's how much I love you. But I know I'm just making it worse.. And that's why I'm going to stop. I have to let you go.. I don't want to, in fact.. I'm scared to.
I was in a rough and dark place late 2019. You know the whole story.. I was broken. Not just broken. Heartbroken. Or so I thought I was because it was nothing compared to this. Anyway.. Those dark moments made me join your server. I needed a distraction. I needed friends. Your server was that opportunity I took that I'll never regret or forget. I've been waiting all this time to finally meet people who loved the same silly kart-racer game I adored so much. And I did. I met some cool people and I had the chance to play with them. That was my true intention when I joined the server.. I just wanted gaming buddies. But then, out of nowhere.. I noticed you. It's kinda hard not to notice one of the admins of the server.. Especially since you were the most active admin.. Your status is what made you stand out. And I thought it was real nice.. But it wasn't enough to make me fall for you. No..
I still remember the night we all jumped into the vc for the first time. It was the "voice reveals" epic moment. It was the first time I heard your voice.. And it was the first time you heard mine. Of course I was nervous because at the time, most people thought I was a guy, and I didn't wanted anyone knowing I was actually a girl because I had feared they would react negatively. But no one in the vc did. You didn't. Anyway.. I fell in love with your voice right off the bat. Your accent.. Yes, you have one.. It melted my heart. Your tone. It was soft and gentle. Your laugh. Gosh, it made me gush. But your voice wasn't what made me fall in love with you. Yeah, it caught my attention.. But that wasn't it. It was more like your personality is what made me interested in you.. But I only caught myself crushing on you around January- February 2020. I finally had acknowledged it.. And funny thing is, I told someone that 2020 was the year I was going to focus on saving up money. After what had happened in 2019.. I wasn't looking for a crush, or a relationship.. But then you kinda happened.. And I did everything to get your attention. I literally signed up to be a tournament host so that you would notice me.. And it worked. Being a host opened a window for me to you.. That's when I sent the silly video in your dm of me saying "fffff-heck". You know the one.. because you laughed and adored it and applaud my effort with trying not to swear. Then after that, I guess we started to chat here and there.. Then around May.. You distanced yourself. I was so worried and upset.. And that's sorta when my crush on you started to fade. Or rather, I had decided to stop trying to make it a thing. But then we started talking again for a couple more months, and then that's when the flirting started.
At first I was super nervous.. Because I have zero experience with flirting with a guy.. Especially when you flirted back. I actually thought you were drunk sometimes lol.. But you knew what you were doing because you soon opened up to me about it. And you told me it felt nice.. We continued this for a bit more, and we got to know each other a lot better.. until I had enough.. I confessed to you August 29th. I remember having a hard time sending that whole confession. Pressing enter had never been the hardest thing to do.. but it was because I was nervous and scared. I knew you were never going to make the move, so I did. And to my surprise.. You liked me back. And I still remember freaking out. But we also talked about the cons.. Which made me sad. Then the next day, you asked if we could call.. Around that time, I was super nervous and inexperienced with calling with you alone, so we agreed that you would be doing the talking and I could just type responses. And we were in call for a good bit, then suddenly you asked me to be your girlfriend.. And I was shocked. I said yes.. Then you started crying.. It threw me off, I honestly didn't expect you to cry. And it made me want to hug you so badly. It was so pure..
August 30th 2020.
The day we first started dating.
We had our ups and downs. It wasn't perfect.. But what relationship is? Anyway.. During all that, I've gotten to know the deeper side of you. Not only that, but you had helped me grow so much. At the beginning, I was so scared to call you. But you were patient with me and I got comfortable enough to finally start joining you in calls. So comfortable there were many times I wouldn't shut up and all I did was ramble.. But you loved that. And you were proud. If it weren't for you, I don't think I would have the confidence I have right now. I'm not just talking about joining calls lol.. I meant everything. I found myself loving the way my body looks because of you. Because you also loved it. You made me feel so special. And I knew I fell in love with you the moment I realized I could be that inner child and authentic self around you. That weird girl that makes weird noises and makes up weird words like "hilarcicle".. and occasionally saying "snorkle snorkle motherforkle".
You have no idea how happy it made me when you started sending and taking selfies after telling me you lacked the confidence. After telling me you didn't like how you looked.. After telling me how much you didn't like your body.. Your face.. I know I helped you grow as well.. I hope that didn't shattered, and that you continue to love yourself. Take that selfie. Love yourself, because you are handsome. Please don't compare yourself to others.. Don't look up to the norm. Don't change for anyone.. Because there is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect the way you are. Only change for yourself.
I really am sorry.. For the pain I put you through. I really do feel it could've been different if we were together in person, but you know.. Sometimes things aren't the way we want them to be. We both knew the risks way before we dated. Honestly, that still doesn't stop me. I still want to wait on you.. I want to wait on you for as long as I have to. But the thing is, I don't know if that's what you want me to do. I have no way of knowing you want me to wait for you until you have healed and improved yourself.. or move on. I wish I did, because like I said, I would wait for you. Even if it's years.. But I can't wait on someone who shows no sign. I'm afraid that I would be waiting for nothing.. And you had moved on.
I would only be hurting myself if I hold on to hope. I wanted you to be the one. You said the same thing about me, too, but.. things aren't looking so great. If we do end up staying like this.. I hope the next girl you meet loves you more. You're wrong about thinking you didn't deserve to be loved. You absolutely deserve that and more.. You had hoped that we could stay friends.. But I can't do that to myself. I still love you and I don't know when I'll ever move on. I'll be disrespecting myself if I stayed by your side while you move on and love someone else. I don't want to be around to see that happen.. I don't want to see you love someone more. I don't think I would be able to handle that.. I'd break. All over again. So friends? As much as you want that.. I'm sorry. I really am.. At this very moment, I don't think that's possible right now. The wound is still pretty fresh so who knows if my view will change in a couple of months or so.
I appreciate you so much. You really are something. I recall you saying you're as "basic" as they can get in the beginning. I disagreed. You're not basic. You're so special and different. I wouldn't had fallen for you if you were..
I don't want to end things with you. I want to keep that window open for you in case you ever want to come back. And please don't say that's not your call.. It is. So I'll keep that open. But when I said I was done, I mean I'm done with clinging to every bit of hope I get. I'm going to focus on myself now, and I'm going to try to meet new people. I know I should've done this a long time ago but I wanted to grieve and cry as long as I needed to. And like I said already, since this is still new, I don't want to leave this as a permanent note. Only time can tell.. But I'm done giving you every second of my life without you here.
I hope I didn't make the past year and a half hell. I really am sorry. I hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. I know you value family so much, and I hope that you could finally relax without having to worry about me. I hope you have a good year next year, too. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me if you need help with anything. That last thing we said to each other still applies. But until then, I have to let you go.
I love you. So much. Take care, Blue. (And please take care of Nibby too) :shibeheart:
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