is it chill with y'all if i rant about something
- Locked due to inactivity on Nov 3, '19 3:54am
Thread Topic: is it chill with y'all if i rant about something
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it's 100% unrelated to this website, i just don't want to go to my friends and bother them about something uncontrollable anymore
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Of course! We're all here for you.
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ok cool
for some context I just had a mental breakdown and im still crying and im on my phone so this will take more time than i usually take to write -
It's fine. Sometimes you just need to get it out
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i was scrolling through tiktok because i do that when i don't have the energy to get out of bed and do something more enjoyable. a video came up on my feed about a girl being dumped for homecoming. and it set me off really bad.
when i was in junior high I dreamed of having a partner or friends to go to school dances with in high school. but that never happened. im in my senior year of high school and i currently only have one person who i consider an actual friend. everyone else i know is someone who knows my name, has one or two classes with me, and texts me for answers on homework. for the last three years i thought that was okay but i realize now that it's not. i'm so lonely. i go to my classes, i come home, and more often than not i sleep most of the day away unless my internet friends are available and want to talk to me. i don't go anywhere or message anyone because i don't have anyone to do anything with.
my sophomore year, i moved to a new state. i made a couple of really good friends. but they're gone now. one moved on because i guess i was too old for her. she used to say her phone was broken and never got texts but i always saw her post about hanging out with others so i don't know how valid that is. the other was constantly getting into trouble and used me as a venting outlet. i subconsciously cut her out of my life. and the only male friend i has ended up convincing me to send questionable photos when i was at a low point (kind of like I am right now) and once he got those he disappeared.
so i am pretty much too scared to make friends. this is what happened repeatedly throughout my life. people would not include me in things. they'd stop replying to my messages. they'd use me for their own personal gain and get rid of me when they found someone else or when i stopped being useful. and i know not everyone is like that, but i just don't trust people as a whole anymore. i don't want to be hurt. i want to have people in my life that will take me out to do things or call me or text me or do something, anything. I've only had that once in my life and i lost that friend when i moved.
the realization of being this alone has me overthinking my future. if i can't get friends now, let alone a bf or gf, am i gonna be alone all of my life? will i never get to have a wedding and live with someone until i die? will i just commit myself to college and a career and always be alone, never getting to enjoy the things i write about or daydream about? it bothers me a lot. i don't want to miss out, but at the rate im going, i have nothing going for me.
maybe it's something wrong with me but i don't know. i try really hard to be funny and exciting and someone people trust. and i do that successfully with internet friends and all, but im scared that they, too, will find a reason to leave or hate me and then ill really be alone. and i dont know how to prevent that, let alone get over myself and try to make friends so my senior year doesn't end with me being utterly alone never having experienced those dances or parties or even just making a few cool memories with people i enjoy. -
also i really just want to be somewhat attractive but I don't know how. i bought some make up but anytime i try to use it i mess up and i don't look nice and i desperately want to be pretty so people stop thinking im 12. but im unhealthy and weak, so even if i can use make up to look attractive, my body is f---ing ugly and im constantly sick mentally and physically lmfao
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Jill, I would never have thought that you didn't have strong friends. Every time I think of you I understand how amazing you are. Online, youre a popular person and that's because we get the chance to see how smart, thoughtful, and caring you are. If people around you can't see that, that's on them. I swear there is nothing wrong with you... You just haven't met the right people yet. Maybe all you need to do is break your normal cycle, talk to new people at your school. I'm not going to try and presume I know everything about your situation, but from what I do know about you and from what I've observed, there is nothing wrong with you. You're sweet and fun and very talented.
I also think you're gorgeous physically in your own way. It's cliche for me to say, but I honestly don't think you need makeup. I love your hair color and your smile. And when you just act confident I think its great.
Anyway that's my honest opinion of you. -
The worst part is that my online persona is pretty much me. I had an internet friend of mine come down (he's been here twice, my parents adore him) and he once told me that it's shocking how I don't change/filter myself. So I'm really not sure where I'm going wrong.
I have anxiety and I'm very grumpy in the morning, so it's hard for me to connect with the students in my class.. but I'll try to put forth some more effort when I can.
Well, ty, I'll try to keep that in mind when I look at myself and consider taking hours learning makeup.. haha
Thank you for being honest, it really made me feel better
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