I need some feedback and criticization.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:31pm
Thread Topic: I need some feedback and criticization.
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[img] "Wow.." Snow hopped off the carriage, carrying her two blue suitcases.
The castle was made with white stone, and the windows were small and tiny.
The fresh air of oak and wood lingered around, and made everything smell perfect.
The sky was blue and was followed by the sun and the clouds.
The walked up the stairs, which went up the hill. Up on the hill, she saw a group of students, giving their bags at 3 small pigs that looked grouchy.
"Name."
"Sandra.. Uh.. Sandra! Sandra Milkens!" The girl with red curly hair said, proudly.
"Kid, I didn't ask for your life story. Just say Sandra." The Third Pig said and grabbed her bag forcefully and threw it at a owl carrying a large basket that could carry all of those students together.
Snow looked around, and saw everybody squealing and running at their friends.
In the land of Far Away, things were tight. Every kid knew each other since birth, and it was exciting for them to see eachother.
If only she knew where Aurora and Belle was.
"Snow!"
A girl with light pink wavy hair, blue eyes, and fair skin came running down to Snow and tackled her!
"Aurora!" Snow said, hugging her.
"I can't believe we are finally here. I've been sitting on that carriage for hours and my rump hurts.." Aurora grumped, rubbing her bottom.
"Oh my, you are the same, yay!" Snow grabbed her hands together and smiled and paused. "Where's Belle?"
They stopped and turned at a girl with medium brown hair and glasses, fighting with the pigs. The students surround them and pointed and laughed.
"I've had it! I need those! They have all of my books!"
"I wish I could kid but this is my assigned job!" The second pig said, trying to hold on to the suitcase.
"Brat!" The Third Pig came and kicked her in the stomach and was released from her grasp and she fell back in humiliation.
"Hahahahahaahaha!" Everybody was laughing, and Belle's cheeks turned red in embarrassment.
"Come on Snow." Aurora grabbed her friends hand and pushed through the crowd.
Belle looked up and her frown with upside down and she gasped in delight. "Aurora! Snow!"
"Belle!" Snow and Aurora grabbed both of her hands and helped her up.
"I am so fed up with things! My carriage was late! Pigs are calling me a brat! I fell! What's next?" Belle got up by her friends gestures and dusted her plaid skinny jeans and fixed her black hipster glasses.
A large carriage came and the loud students came running and surrounded it.
It was black and purple, with lavender sequins on it.
"It's Queen!" Everybody cried in pleasure and cheered as a girl with black hair, chocolate eyes, and fair skin came out and kissed her hand and waved.
"Hello, my people!"
"Hey!" They all said, and spreaded out as she walked up the hill.
"Oh.. that.." Belle said, looking at the popular girl walking up the hill with her followers.
"It's just Queen.. nothing special." Aurora said, turning around and grabbing both Belle and Snow's hands.
"Where are we going?" said Belle and Snow.
"To the library!" Auroral said quickly.
Belle squealed with delight.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Now this is what I am talking about!" Belle ran towards a book shelf and grabbed a few books from it and ran off to the back.
"So Aurora, what's been going on?" Snow said, slowly walking to catch up with Belle.
"Nothing really. It's the same old. Everything is strange." Aurora folded her arms, and closed her eyes sighing.
Things were the same.
Strange things happened.
People didn't mind.
"Aurora! Snow! Come look!"
Belle was in the back, writing in a book.
"What is it?" said Aurora.
"This ink is magical!" Belle wrote a small poem and a lady started narrating to it.
The moon goes up
The moon goes down
The princess prances in her gown
11 has stricken in her town
The moon goes up
The moon goes down
"Wow, let me see!" Aurora gasped and grabbed the small feather and dipped it into the ink.
"Guy's, are we suppose to be around this area?" said Snow, hesitantly.
"Who cares, Snow! Come see!"
Snow looked over.
"I will draw something." Belle took the inked feather pen from Aurora's hand and drew an UGLY grumpy pig.
They all laughed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Mm.. How interesting.."
The Grand Guy watched the three best friends play with the book and giggle. The mystical ball showed all three of them, and he swilved his hands around it and it turned dark black.
"Easier than I thought.." His words trickled out of his mouth and he chuckled and looked out the window again. -
Not bad, actually. Maybe you could be a little more descriptive with the locations they are, and indent your story correctly, then it'd be better.
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Br0wnie- Okai.
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