Book Parodies
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Thread Topic: Book Parodies
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bunnirox1686 NewbieHARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERERS STONE
IN FIFTEEN MINUTES
Private Privet Drive, Midnight
Dumbledore: Remind me why we couldnt do this in broad daylight?
Professor Minerva McGonnigal: [shapeshifts from kitteh to hooman]
Rubeus Hagrid: [falls out of the sky on an impossibly large motorcycle. WITH A BABY.]
Dumbledore: O, rite.
McGonnigal: So, I stalked the area today, and I have concluded that MUGGLES SUCK.
Dumbledore: Witch, Im in charge!
[Dumbledore, deciding that leaving The Chosen One The Boy Who Lived on the front steps overnight is the best plan of action, fades dead away into the opening title shot, which morphs into:]
A Closet, Some Years Later
Mrs. Dursley: WAKE UP, SCUM!
Mr. Dursley: BRING ME COFFEE, SCUM!
Dudley Dursley: MOAR BIRFDAY PRESENTS WAHHHH!
[Dont worry, Dudley, the Wah-mbulance is comin for ya!]
Harry: *general deprivation*
The London Zoo, Reptile House
[Harry talks to a snake, which is infinitely more distressing when youre twelve and a known wizard, apparently. Nevertheless:]
Snake: Thanksssssss!
Dudley: HALP ME MOMMYYYYY!
Harry: Its like mag-
Mr. Dursley: DONT SAY IT!
The Day No Letters Would Come
Owl: O RLY?
Hallelujah, Its Raining Men Male MAIL
[Its teatime at the Dursley residence, while outside an Owl Apocalypse gathers. Oh, and theres a storm of mail a-brewin.]
Mr. Dursley: Aw HALE naw!
Nowhere Island
[Just as Dudleys digital watch- probably a birthday present- chimes midnight and Harry blows out the candles dust on his birthday cake dust floor, the door is BEATEN DOWN.]
The Big, Bad Wolf Hagrid: Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!
[Dudley squeals like a pig and OH LOOK hes just sprouted a pigs tail!]
Hagrid: YAR! Wheres Harry Potter?
Harry: [ironically, the only brave person in the house at the moment, steps forward]
Captain Hagrid Sparrow: Happee Birthday, Harry! Oh, BTW, yer a wizard.
Mr. Dursley: OBJECTION!
Mrs. Dursley: Fuh-REAK!
Dudley: Cake nom nom nom.
The Truth About Harrys Parents: [is explained, and Harry, ever the emotional rock, takes it rather well.]
Hagrid: Mmmkay, time to go!
Hagrid Takes a Minor Into a Pub
[Hagrid is arrested, Harry is returned to the Dursleys, and Voldemort takes over the world. THE END.]
Hagrid Takes a (Famous) Minor Into a Pub
Tom the Barkeeper: HARRY POTTER ZOMG!
Professor Quirrell: H-Harry P-p-p-Potter!
Hagrid: Keep moving, Harry. Wizarding world through this brick wall!
Diagon Alley
Hagrid: Cauldrons and owls and wands, oh my!
Nameless British Child (I): The Nimbus Plotbroom!
Harry: *slackjaw*
Gringotts Goblin: Right this way to see the Sorcerers Stone Harry Potters fortune!
[Indeed, Harry does have a fortune because, of course, some wizards really can have it all.]
Mr. Ollivander: Ah, Mr. Potter! Shopping for a wand, are we? Try this one, the sister to Lord Voldemorts wand!
Harry: What?
Mr. Ollivander: Alright, fine, we wont explain that just yet.
[And as if learning of his fame, fortune, and magic-itude wasnt enough of a birthday present, Hagrid gave Harry a snowy owl. A SNOWY OWL.]
Captain Hagrid Sparrow: Pretty bird!
Back at the Pub
Hagrid: Dun forget, Harry. Yer the boy who lived.
Harry: Funny. I had a dream that Father Time said that same thing ten years ago.
Kings Cross Train Station
Hagrid: Every underage wizard-noob for himself! Good luck getting to Hogwarts, Harry!
[And at precisely two minutes before departure time, The Ginger Parade marches through the station, dropping words like Muggle and still drawing no attention to themselves. Harry is in hot pursuit.]
Mrs. Weasley: Roll call! Percy! Fred (or George)! George (or Fred)! Off you go! [Each is eaten by the brick wall.]
Harry: EXPLAIN PLEASE.
Mrs. Weasley: Of course, Mystery Boy! Simply run toward the brick wall! Aaaaaand GO!
Ginny: How you doin?
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Im sorry, Ron, did you want to say something?
Ron: Bloody Hell!
On the Hogwarts Express
Ron: Ai can haz friend?
Harry: Hokaiz! But you have to know Im Harry Potter.
[And the gods smiled upon little Ronald Weasley that day, up until he tried to perform a spell.]
Hermione Granger: Let a real wizard show you how- WAIT. Youre Harry Potter!
Harry: *facepalm*
Inside Hogwarts
McGonnigal: Alright, babies, the rules are simple. Were gonna sort you into four groups based on screen time. Gryffindor will get significantly more screen time than everyone else, followed by Slytherin. Ravenclaw will get about thirty seconds of screen time in the fourth and fifth movies, and Hufflepuff can just forget it. BRB.
Draco Malfoy: YOOHOO, HARRY! Word around the castle is that we could be quite the power couple if you would just BE MY FRIEND!
Harry: No way, Blondie, youre not my type.
Malfoy: Doh!
The Sorting
Hermione: Fun Fact: I was reading Hogwarts, A History, and
Ron: This is hardly fun to listen to.
Dumbledore: Blah blah keep out of the Forbidden Forest blah blah Also the third-floor LET THE SORTING BEGIN.
The Sorting Hat: You three! Ginger! Scarhead! Girl! GRYFFINDOR for you! The Greasy Blonde goes to Slytherin. And the rest are banished to Hufflepuff where youll never be seen again!
Dumbledore: Lets eat!
Percy Weasley: Professor Snape, jealous git, look how ominous he looks up there.
[Also, there are some ghosts floating around while the paintings around the castle move and talk. No big.]
Harry and Rons Very First Class
[to which they are late and little learning actually occurs. Additional footage has been cut for time.]
Harry and Rons Second Class
[at which point we learn that it is an unwritten rule that Gryffindors and Slytherins must take their classes together, probably to create cinematic tension. Also, Snape exhibits genuine douchebaggery:]
Snape: POTTER, please explain the purpose of a bezoar.
Harry: A what?
Snape: POTTY, tell me the difference between a boomslang whatsit and a lacewing thingy.
Harry: A what?
Snape: Define the medicinal purposes of a whoosywhatsy and a thingamajig.
Harry: You just made those up.
Snape: How DARE you call my bluff? Fifty points from Gryffindor for asshattery! DISMISSED!
Malfoy: JUSTICE!!!1
The Great (Study) Hall
Seamus: [tries to perform magic, but instead says something utterly unintelligible and causes a minor explosion. Cue the carrier pigeons post owls!]
Harry: Can I borrow your newspaper to at least look like Ive got friends on the outside?
Ron: kk.
Neville: Look what my Gram se
Harry: NOT NOW b---- GRINGOTTS WAS ROBBED.
Ron: *blink*
Harry: AND I WAS THERE!
Hermione: -_-
Flying 101
[The children, bless them, appear to have never ridden a broomstick before. Silly me, I thought that was one of the cardinal rules of being a witch. Lets watch as Hermione FAILS:]
Hermione: UP!
Hermiones Broom: *seizure*
[and Ron gives it his best effort:]
Ron: UP!
Rons Broom: *BROOMFACE*
Ron: Bloody Hell!
[The only wizard that was successful and that matters (sorry, Malfoy) was our favorite novice, Harry. Meanwhile:]
Neville / Nevilles Broom: *anti-gravity*
Madame Hooch: WHADDOO I DO?
Neville: *EPIC FAIL FALL*
Malfoy: Looky, guys! Watch me fly away with Nevilles stuff!
Harry: Oh no he dint!
[Harry saves the day against thieving little boys, which is not nearly as perverted as it sounds.]
Nameless British Boy (II): That was wicked, Harry!
McGonnigal: POTTER! You may or may not be in trouble! COME!
Harry Makes History (I)
McGonnigal: Could I borrow Wood for a moment, please?
[Seriously, she really said that.]
Dumbledore: thatswhatshesaid
[Turns out, Wood is a person.]
McGonnigal: Harry Potter is eleven years old and he can catch a small glass ball to boot! Make him the new Gryffindor Seeker NOW!
Hermione: That makes you the youngest one in a century!
Harry: How did you know that?
Hermione: The library?
Ron: Creeper
The Third Floor of Impending Doom
[Fluffy the plot three-headed dog awaits the smell of sweet first-year blood.]
The Children: *unison screaming*
Ancient Door with Ancient Lock: *SLAM!*
Ancient Lock: *ho -
bunnirox1686 NewbieAncient Lock: *holds against giant three-headed dog*
Hermione: Was that a trap door I saw?
Ron: Were those THREE HEADS I saw?
Hermione: GO TO BED.
Quidditch For Beginners
Oliver Wood: Big red ball is for scoring. Twin black balls are for beating. Winged golden ball is for you. Got it?
Harry: Got it.
WE ACTUALLY LEARN AN ACTUAL SPELL!
Professor Flitwick: Wingardium Leviosa!
Students: Wingaaaaardium Leviosaaaaaah!
Hermione: Wingardium Leviosa!
Seamus: Winggggsomething Leviiiiwhatever!
Seamus Feather: *explodius maximus*
Professor Flitwick: *headdesk*
Hermione: Amateur.
Hermione Exhibits Actual Emotion Other than Superiority
Ron: Hermione lololol
Hermione: *sob*
[True love.]
Halloween!
[General merriment in the Great Hall, as this has got to be a wizards favorite holiday, right?]
Hermione: WRONG! My heart is BROKEN! Leave me alone in the bathroom where NO TROLLS CAN FIND ME!
[A troll, you say?]
Professor Quirrel: TROOOOLLLLLLLL!
Pandemonium: *ensues*
Dumbledore: STFU!
Harry: Ron, were eleven, right?
Ron: Yeah.
Harry: We can take down a troll, right?
Ron: YEAH!
[And so Harry and Ron march right into the girls bathroom like it's no big deal.]
Troll: OOGA BOOGA!
Harry: Youre going down, mister!
Hermione: *damsel in distress*
[Ron pulls a functional spell out of his ass, and not a moment too soon.]
Ron: 8O
Harry Makes History (II)
McGonnigal: Five points- no more and no less- for your heroic, albeit unbelievable, triumph!
[Also, Snape is struggling to cover a bloodied-up leg, which the ever-observant Harry managed to become suspicious of see.]
Professor Quirrel: F-f-f-Foiled again.
Youve Got Mail
Harry: So, about Snapes leg last night
Hermione: Well, I looked it up in the library, and
Harry: NOT NOW b---- IVE GOT MAIL!
[And NOW the rich, famous, snowy owl-owning Quidditch star has a top-of-the-line broomstick. Hold for applause.]
Ron: *faint*
Harry: Close enough.
The Hogwarts Quidditch Pitch
Wood: Dont die, Harry!
Madame Hooch: Play fair, Slytherin!
Slytherin: *doesnt play fair*
Madame Hooch: *doesnt care*
Harrys Broomstick: The current program, Numbus Plotbroom version 2000, has encountered a problem and needs to close.
Harry: Well, CRAP.
[Meanwhile, up in the stands, there is some conspicuous muttering,
some inconspicuous muttering, and some fancy wandwork by our own Hermione Granger. But Harry, not to be outdone, does a little broom-surfing and, indeed, nearly ingests the Golden Snitch.]
Madame Hooch: One hundred-fifty points AND THE GAME for such spectacular scene-stealing goes to Harry Potter!
The Scene Where Hagrid Has a Loose Tongue (I)
Hagrid: Snape is not a crook!
Harry: What do you know about a three-headed dog?
Captain Hagrid Sparrow: Who told yeh abou mah Fluffy?
Hermione: But why is it in the school?
Hagrid: Hes guarding something that belonged to Nicholas Flamel. NO WAIT FORGET I SAID THAT!
Ron: Bloody Hell!
Christmastide at Hogwarts
[Giant Christmas trees, caroling ghosts, and Wizards Chess by an open fire yes, its Christmas at Hogwarts. Oh yeah, and Rons family is jet setting to Romania to visit their other sons.]
Hermione: Do you Nicholas Flamel homework! Happy Christmas!
[But who cares for homework when youve got Christmas presents to open?]
Harry: My first Christmas presents! Im a real boy!
Ron: :D
Harry: What are you wearing?
Ron: A Christmas sweater.
Harry: Why?
Ron: My mom hates me.
Harry: NOT NOW b---- LOOK A PLOTCLOAK! Imagine the possibilities for tomfoolery!
Tomfoolery in the Library
Harry (singing): Im so badass with my new plotcloak, in the Restricted sectOH MY GOD SCREAMING BOOK!
Filch: Amateur.
[During his Invisibility Escape, Harry comes across Professors Snape and Quirrell acting shady in the hallway. Oh yeah, and he finds The Mirror of Desire Erised that Ron has to see RIGHT NOW.]
Ron: Quidditch captain, Head Boy, and killer good looks! Yay me!
Harry: Too bad you dont have a girlfriend in that mirror.
Ron: Im too eleven-years-old to care about that.
The Scene Where Dumbledore Reveals That His Deepest Desire is A Pair of Wool Socks, Thus Making Dumbledore Even More Awesome
[This scene has been cut for time.]
Nicholas Flamel Revealed
Hermione: He made the plot Sorcerers Stone!
Harry and Ron: wha?
Hermione: Oh, you know, that Elixir of Life, live-forever thingy.
Ron: Bloody
Hermione: And thats what Fluffys guarding!
Harry: Witch, Im the Sherlock Holmes around here! To Hagrids!
Dragon Daycare, Hagrids Hut, Hogwarts
Hagrid: Leave, plzkthnx
The Children: We know about the Stone, now LET US IN!
Hagrid: Oh, the thing Snape IS NOT stealing? The one Snape is protecting?
Harry: No, the otherWHOA WHATS THAT?
Captain Hagrid Sparrow: Me gamblin winnins.
Ron: I thought this was a childrens movie.
Hermione: Its a
Hagrid: SHHH!
Ron: --Norwegian Ridgeback dragon egg!
[At this point, Hagrid has gone quite soft and misty-eyed from the joys of being a new mummy.]
Hagrid: I shall call him Norbert, and he shall be mine!
[That is, until he discovers he is being spied upon.]
Harry: MALFOY ONOZ!
Malfoy: IM TELLING!
Crime and Punishment
McGonnigal: You were out of bed after hours! A capital offense! Detention for all of you!
Malfoy: POPPYCOCK!
McGonnigal: Stow it, Malfoy, nobody likes you. Also, fifty points from all of you!
Snape: HEY! Thats MY job!
FILCHS BEST SCENE EVER!
[This scene was most definitely NOT cut for time because it is AWESOME. *giggle*]
The Forbidden Forest is, Momentarily, Un-Forbidden
Hagrid: Norberts gone WAH!
Filch: *eyeroll*
Malfoy: *general whining*
Filch: kbai
[Aaaand THEYRE OFF! Harry and Malfoy are in the lead with Fang, the ironically-named bloodhound, which is also ironic. Team Hagrid-Ron-Hermione is off looking for slain unicorns while Malfoy has decided to throw a one-man pity party.]
Malfoy: *grumblegrumbleSERVANTSTUFFgrumble*
[And deeper into the forest we go, where not even Merlin can find them. We stumble upon a hooded, disembodied figure feeding off a unicorn (the reason were all here!), Malfoy has wet himself, and Harry begins to feel well-timed scar pains.]
Firenze, Chief of Centaur Police: STEP OFF, MATE!
Harry: Mai heroe!
Firenze: That b----! Slaying a unicorn to drink his blood which will keep you alive but mar your soul!
Harry: You mean that was Voldemort?!!?
Firenze: I didnt say that.
In The Potter Lair
Harry: I could have DIED tonight! Its HARD being a WANTED MAN. WOE.
Ron: Getting a head start on the angst, are we, mate?
Hermione: But if youre around Dumbledore all the time, youll be safe
Harry: Hermione, I wont be clingy on Dumbledore for at least three more movies. GAWD.
Finals Week at Wizard Prep
Harry: My Potter senses are tingling.
Hermione: Finals, lovely finals!
Harry: NOT NOW b---- THE GAME IS AFOOT! To Hagrids!
The Scene Where Hagrid Has a Loose Tongue (II)
Hermione: Nice flute, Hagrid!
Hagrid: Thanks, I play it for Fluffy every night to put him to sleep!
Harry: OHO!
Hagrid: DAMMIT.
Kind Of The Least Important Part of the Movie
Harry: We know everything about the Sorcerers Stone!
McGonnigal: No you dont. Youre eleven. You dont have the mental capacity. Go away.
[Meanwhile, Snape is lurking outside for children to terrorize.]
Snape: Be careful, Potty, people will think youre on to me up to something.
Harry: >:(
Snape: )o: -
bunnirox1686 NewbieRon: I know what to do!
[Several hours of deadly pawn-dodging later:]
Ron: *black out*
Hermione: Ill play nurse, you save the day.
Round Four: Harry v. Professor Quirrell (Wha?)
Harry: Ai haz a confyoozed.
Professor Quirrell: Oh, alright, Ill explain everything- literally, EVERYTHING- for the folks at home.
Quirrells Turban: Let me paraphrase. HEEEEEERES VOLDY!
Harry: Owie, my scar!
Professor Quirrell: Owie, MY FACE!
Voldehead: Stone, plzkthnx.
Harry: NEVAH!
Voldesmoke: *WHOOSH!*
[Oh yeah, the Sorcerers Stone was safe in Harry Potters pocket the entire time.]
The Infirmary
Dumbledore: Harry, mboy! Wonderful job! And when you melted my professors face off? MAGICAL!
Harry: But, Professor
Dumbledore: Sorry, Harry. Please hold all questions until the end of the series. Only seven movies left!
The Great Hall
Dumbledore: Congratulations to Slytherin for accumulating more points than Gryffindor this year, but for Gryffindor to lose the House Cup is incongruent with our screen time policies laid out by Professor McGonnigal earlier this year. Gryffindor wins by default, but to make it look less sketch, Im awarding points to Hermione, Ron, and Harry for earning the most screen time!
Hermione: But that still makes us tied with Slytherin!
Dumbledore: So it does! Thats what we get for not offering magical math classes at Hogwarts! Uh NEVILLE! Ten pitypoints for you!
[And so Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and that other Hogwarts house (Dragonpuff? Hufflebear?) throw their caps in the air while there is a gnashing of teeth from Slytherins general direction.]
Moving Day
Hagrid: Before you go, Harry, heres a photo album with pictures of your parents!
Harry: daww
Hermione: Im glad this year is over!
Harry: But Im excited for the next movie when my voice will change!
Ron: Bloody Hell!
FIN. -
bunnirox1686 NewbieOr, copy, paste, and fix the link:
http ://z13 . invisionfree . com/seddie/index.php?showtopic=1474 -
Very interesting XD
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Harry Potter In 99 Seconds -
That was very entertaining xD
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miumiutheemu NoviceAlana, Oh my god i love yo. PAINT FTW!Me and my freinds did a Harry Potter spoof- to sum it all up, it was insane. Very insane.
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