Popsicle and Fang.
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:28pm
Thread Topic: Popsicle and Fang.
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Chapter 1: Taking your heart to the deep end!
"Oh my gosh, Fang!" yelped Popsicle. Popsicle Takahashi, the sweetest but most stubborn girl in the Kun Lee high school, Hey... psss... it's the chick with blue hair and brown eyes. Look closer. "So, what? I ate your pudding. Buy some more!" And there was that mouth-puckering, malicious, evil, Fang. He is the most hated guy in Kun Lee High school. See. Let's explain, I know what you are thinking. They are siblings. Well, you are WRONG! They are more than that. They are Conceeds. Huff, let me explain.
Conceeds are basically Immortals that fall out of the sky, out of the clouds, and kicked out of there dimension if they do anything bad. And as you see, you are thinking that Fang got them kicked out of the Sky Dimension. Good thinking, but no. It was really Popsicle. Surprising? Well, lets not get all into it. Let's just zoom into there fight". -
This looks REALLY awesome! I'd love to see this as a book. ^^
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Jenniferdu NoviceIt sounds fun.
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XShidoKusubanaX Newbiesounds butt
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Get rid of the sentence that describes Popsicle. Try to find a more subtle, artistic way to fit the descriptions in. And I'd take out all the huffs and such. Then it's perfect.
Anyway, this is a great idea, you should continue. -
I can barely follow this. Ease of read is important, it's pretty much 40% writing. Make it clearer who is speaking at a time.
Popsicle Takahashi, the sweetest but most stubborn girl in the Kun Lee high school, Hey... psss... it's the chick with blue hair and brown eyes. Look closer. "So, what? I ate your pudding. Buy some more!" And there was that mouth-puckering, malicious, evil, Fang.
From here to here, I can't understand who's speaking. Be sure to make each voice distinct so that they could be identified in a vacuum. Is the narrator speaking, is Fang speaking or is someone else speaking at the moment? Really, this is a mess.
Too much exposition for an opening too. I don't care what a 'conceed' is, nor where they come from. You need to show me why I should be interested. Get straight to the action, grab my attention from the first sentence. Instead of going over what the characters look like, and who they are, and narrating everything from on high, just skip straight to the fight. Give us the characters through the fight instead of simply handing them to the audience.
Their fight*
Well, that's all I have to say without nitpicking into it. And I really, really want to start nitpicking. -
For once, I agree with everything IH said. Except for the last part. But he's right.
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