woah
Thread Topic: woah
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also yesterday i went to my speech teacher for critique in an outline and i was asking her which option might be best to go with since i’d written two options. instead of critiquing the outline she said “you want critique? i think you’re really pretty, smart, but you’re not confident enough”
i was really flattered and honestly very flustered because I didn’t know what to say since I was only expecting an outline critique 😭😭, so I thanked her and then asked her for her opinion on the outline
it’s just funny she’s said that because I asked for critique (honestly to nobody, I was just begging for some kind of critique, not from people, but alone by myself because character is something I take very seriously and im always working to improve) and it seems like ive been getting all kinds of critique lately. my art teacher randomly spoke to me and told me she elected me for the kindest student in the teacher conference and she told me im a very kind and positive person but I doubt myself a lot. I was very touched so I thanked her
it’s only two incidences but it was really coincidental it happened in the same week after I was asking that in my alone time💔 I do really appreciate the insight from other people though, I thought I was being confident enough but honestly looking back I’m really not much of a confident person at all. I trust myself but I also don’t trust myself. i know how i function and how to keep my peace but i don’t know a lot of other things, and especially one thing i know about myself is i overthink a lot over EVERYTHING. I was told by my speech teacher “you’re the type of person to turn a 1 hour assignment into a 40 hour assignment; and im just asking you to push those 40 hours into 4 hours, just a teensy bit” 😭😭😭 and i had THREE other teachers (two of them were substitutes actually) ask me if i was a perfectionist because im always trying to make every detail perfect. it’s something ive been trying to work on and it relates to art too. in art, you don’t focus on details first, you get the contour down. it should be the same in class, but i really struggle with applying that to the real world😭 instead of getting little details right first i need to focus on the big picture
i know im a great person and i think i spent too long trying to prove that to other people when really there’s nothing to prove to other people. you’re your own person, the people who don’t take time to understand you never will, and so they aren’t worth your time. it’s what I learned all of last year and it was definitely a tough lesson but one so worthwhile -
im learning now to stop and appreciate the little moments because it all passes so fast. I found myself getting terrified of connections with people, because while i’m nice to everyone, the second I felt the smallest amount of connection or attachment to them I was so fearful because I know it all ends the same. im still scared, I still avoid people a lot, I still avoid those connections because it’s scary to handle them, but im working on them slowly. I think it all ties into self love and realizing that you are worth loving and you are worth the space you’re given. everyone has a place in this world. even if you feel like an alien, there’s always mars with the mars people!🙃
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i haven’t found my place yet and recently my biggest thought’s been that im unloveable, ill never find my people, ill never be a good person and im cursed to be alone forever. and its just not true. our brains spout all these great, dramatic emphasizes of reality, convincing us that something that’s not real IS real because… well… they’re our brains, our main control systems, and it’s their job to ensure our survival
the trick here is to take those thoughts, understand they’re not true, and shift them into something positive.
nobody’s truly unloveable. maybe we just haven’t found our spot in life, and that’s okay. life’s a journey and we’re the adventurers, always moving, always on the go, headed to nowhere with a compass pointing to the sky but with full faith that we will find our destinations:)) -
and the thought that im “not a good person” just isn’t true either. there’s no good or bad in this world. it’s just a moral concept made up by our brains where we think of black and white but never all the grey in between… we’re all normal people. we do bad things and good things all of the time. it’s human nature. if we’re thinking in the moral concepts made up by the brain, good people are people who, despite doing bad things, are always striving to enact good things and better themselves. bad people are those evil, heinous, close-hearted people, those villains who blow down houses or destroy other people’s lego mansions for fun. this is a bit of a blurry concept to me i need to do a little more digging into because i really don’t think there’s good or bad people… most of the bad people we see just had a rough upbringing. and because the absence of love is indifference, they grow hateful, because they never learned to love in the first place
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writing these makes me appreciate my mind more 😭😭 the human brain is so extremely cool, how in the world are we formulating entire galaxies from just big lumps of electric tofu in our heads?
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im loved too, i have friends that do care about me and want to hang out with me
i think maybe what makes me feel like they didn’t was my fear or connection
i was afraid that if i said one wrong thing, that if i did something that gave away i wasn’t a “real person”, or capable of handling myself like other people, i’d be outcast
but the beauty of belonging and true friendship is that no person is ever outcast. we’re all just finding our founding, and until then, we have doors closed on us that were never meant to be opened. that is perfectly fine, it’s out of our control, so we just move on with peace of mind and understand that anything that’s meant to be will come to light in your life:))
im still scared but being brave doesn’t mean you’re not scared. it just means you’re pushing on even while you’re scared because you’re confident you’ll push through. and even if you’re not confident, maybe it’s a really bad hailstorm and you’re walking out with no coat, you’re using the last of your strength to fight on. it doesn’t always manifest itself physically but bravery is always mentally rewarding
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