woah
Thread Topic: woah
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also yesterday i went to my speech teacher for critique in an outline and i was asking her which option might be best to go with since i’d written two options. instead of critiquing the outline she said “you want critique? i think you’re really pretty, smart, but you’re not confident enough”
i was really flattered and honestly very flustered because I didn’t know what to say since I was only expecting an outline critique 😭😭, so I thanked her and then asked her for her opinion on the outline
it’s just funny she’s said that because I asked for critique (honestly to nobody, I was just begging for some kind of critique, not from people, but alone by myself because character is something I take very seriously and im always working to improve) and it seems like ive been getting all kinds of critique lately. my art teacher randomly spoke to me and told me she elected me for the kindest student in the teacher conference and she told me im a very kind and positive person but I doubt myself a lot. I was very touched so I thanked her
it’s only two incidences but it was really coincidental it happened in the same week after I was asking that in my alone time💔 I do really appreciate the insight from other people though, I thought I was being confident enough but honestly looking back I’m really not much of a confident person at all. I trust myself but I also don’t trust myself. i know how i function and how to keep my peace but i don’t know a lot of other things, and especially one thing i know about myself is i overthink a lot over EVERYTHING. I was told by my speech teacher “you’re the type of person to turn a 1 hour assignment into a 40 hour assignment; and im just asking you to push those 40 hours into 4 hours, just a teensy bit” 😭😭😭 and i had THREE other teachers (two of them were substitutes actually) ask me if i was a perfectionist because im always trying to make every detail perfect. it’s something ive been trying to work on and it relates to art too. in art, you don’t focus on details first, you get the contour down. it should be the same in class, but i really struggle with applying that to the real world😭 instead of getting little details right first i need to focus on the big picture
i know im a great person and i think i spent too long trying to prove that to other people when really there’s nothing to prove to other people. you’re your own person, the people who don’t take time to understand you never will, and so they aren’t worth your time. it’s what I learned all of last year and it was definitely a tough lesson but one so worthwhile -
im learning now to stop and appreciate the little moments because it all passes so fast. I found myself getting terrified of connections with people, because while i’m nice to everyone, the second I felt the smallest amount of connection or attachment to them I was so fearful because I know it all ends the same. im still scared, I still avoid people a lot, I still avoid those connections because it’s scary to handle them, but im working on them slowly. I think it all ties into self love and realizing that you are worth loving and you are worth the space you’re given. everyone has a place in this world. even if you feel like an alien, there’s always mars with the mars people!🙃
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i haven’t found my place yet and recently my biggest thought’s been that im unloveable, ill never find my people, ill never be a good person and im cursed to be alone forever. and its just not true. our brains spout all these great, dramatic emphasizes of reality, convincing us that something that’s not real IS real because… well… they’re our brains, our main control systems, and it’s their job to ensure our survival
the trick here is to take those thoughts, understand they’re not true, and shift them into something positive.
nobody’s truly unloveable. maybe we just haven’t found our spot in life, and that’s okay. life’s a journey and we’re the adventurers, always moving, always on the go, headed to nowhere with a compass pointing to the sky but with full faith that we will find our destinations:)) -
and the thought that im “not a good person” just isn’t true either. there’s no good or bad in this world. it’s just a moral concept made up by our brains where we think of black and white but never all the grey in between… we’re all normal people. we do bad things and good things all of the time. it’s human nature. if we’re thinking in the moral concepts made up by the brain, good people are people who, despite doing bad things, are always striving to enact good things and better themselves. bad people are those evil, heinous, close-hearted people, those villains who blow down houses or destroy other people’s lego mansions for fun. this is a bit of a blurry concept to me i need to do a little more digging into because i really don’t think there’s good or bad people… most of the bad people we see just had a rough upbringing. and because the absence of love is indifference, they grow hateful, because they never learned to love in the first place
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writing these makes me appreciate my mind more 😭😭 the human brain is so extremely cool, how in the world are we formulating entire galaxies from just big lumps of electric tofu in our heads?
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im loved too, i have friends that do care about me and want to hang out with me
i think maybe what makes me feel like they didn’t was my fear or connection
i was afraid that if i said one wrong thing, that if i did something that gave away i wasn’t a “real person”, or capable of handling myself like other people, i’d be outcast
but the beauty of belonging and true friendship is that no person is ever outcast. we’re all just finding our founding, and until then, we have doors closed on us that were never meant to be opened. that is perfectly fine, it’s out of our control, so we just move on with peace of mind and understand that anything that’s meant to be will come to light in your life:))
im still scared but being brave doesn’t mean you’re not scared. it just means you’re pushing on even while you’re scared because you’re confident you’ll push through. and even if you’re not confident, maybe it’s a really bad hailstorm and you’re walking out with no coat, you’re using the last of your strength to fight on. it doesn’t always manifest itself physically but bravery is always mentally rewarding -
i got a 990 on the psat 😭 i really thought i’d do a lot better but im happy with a 990, i just looked at the national average and its a 980 and the sophomore average is 900-950 so i think im right up in that range
but the thing is i dont know geometry because im in a class behind my peers in math since the counselor at my school kind of sucks so im a little behind in math. its a little mean but i could have been put in algebra last year and done fine but she put me behind a class and now unfortunately i need to double up my math classes next year to catch up 💔 but of course it doesn’t bug me, it just means im getting more information beforehand and that’s alright:))
i got a 153 for the scholarship program, most juniors that get these scholarships get a 140-150 which is great but i was unfortunately disqualified because im a sophomore 😭💔💔 again perfectly fine, i just take it as an opportunity to learn and practice more for the psats over the summer (ive never practiced a psat, ive never even HEARD of them before this but this is awesome and im glad they give us the test a year before we have the opportunity to gain scholarships) before my junior year
at first i was upset with my percentile but looking back its actually not bad. i’m in the 76th percentile for reading and writing and the 55th percentile for math
again, nothing to fret over, just more practice makes perfect
and im really excited for my junior year,move been super excited because it just opens up so many different opportunities for college:)) i think my junior year will be very easy except for the doubled math classes, ive already got most of the hard stuff down this year -
and pushing myself out further i’m realizing i have full capabilities to be brave and not screw up. i’m a great person, im still in progress and im still bettering myself, and one of the things im working on right now is confidence
ive done fantastic. i’m a very likeable person, smart, creative, kind, self-aware, skilled, loving, humble, i can work on my confidence, patience, kindness when agitated, and work ethic, but i am only getting better. the more practice i take, the more edges grated, the more im setting myself up for a stable, easy, successful life. and i just can’t wait, i feel it, i know im on the verge of getting it and its SO CLOSE. all i need is time, patience, practice, and a lot more grit. this is what ive been using, and my gosh, it’s been absolutely amazing
i can’t even believe how far i’ve gotten. it has taken so much out of me and taken so much leaping and grasping, snatching with hands full of air, cut and bled by the coldness of it, but i still managed to make something of it despite how mind-numbingly difficult it’s been -
life is not a fine, level road. it’s not even one set road. there’s multiple of them, crossways to different borders, states, planets, and it’s our choice to pick which multitudes of roads we lead and where that’ll take us
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i’ve done a LOT of thinking about this and i know exactly who i am. i’m a curious person and a voracious learner. if i don’t have competition to compete with (not with other people but with a set milestone or a goal, be it reaching a pinnacle of a career which can’t ever be reached because we’re always learning), i’m demotivated. that’s how i know my future career is skill-based
im a kind helper. i love helping others, building them up, and encouraging people by giving advice, and also learning both from the advice i give and also learning from the paths they’re walking. its so amazing to look at and appreciate every road each individual person takes and to compare that with your own journey. that’s how i know i’d be a great teacher
and taking these things into mind i think about my strengths. i’m great at art, great at writing, great at music, a great academic, not a very sporty person lol:)), and also very technologically and neurologically curious:))
i have multiple careers in mind and im perfectly fine with all of them because the only thing im looking for is a stable, happy career, not just a high-paying one. im just so excited to see which one i’ll choose going into college -
i used to be such an awkward, closed in, and negative person, i’ve been learning so much just from my own experience lol 😭😭
i was socially isolated for 2 years after losing everyone and everything in my life and just fully demotivated. i felt like one of those really sad lego castles knocked down and i had to start back at square one.
i can’t even count how many times i’ve thought about tossing the dice and trying to get rid of myself, and i did with a couple overdoses which was a miracle to live through (seroquel should have knocked me out with high amounts, i was told by a doctor i genuinely shouldn’t be alive and its amazing i still am), but im so happy i got through it and didnt go back to that.
i kept going when things were hard and i came out a million times better. the key to all of this is positivity. your input will always be your output, in math or in thoughts:)), and that will always reflect itself in your life
this is what i’ve been telling people and it just does so much for a person. it’s neuroplasticity. you’re literally reconstructing neural paths and growing your frontal lobe as you filter your thoughts -
i love my art and my little guys in it oh my gosh 😭😭 i’m so excited to finish this tomorrow, i still need to work on homework💔💔
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i think i might be getting my first art college campus tour and im so excited
keyword on MIGHT, I asked them if they allow campus tours for sophomores because it seems like most colleges only really want juniors and seniors for the foreseeable future which does make sense since i’d be waiting until 2030 until college to give myself a couple gap years to start saving, but nonetheless it would be nice to check it out
there’s something really special about a place where so many people there share the same artistic visions and appreciation for works -
im starting to like and hate a lot of the music i used to love
i explicitly remember i used to listen to the walters and especially “notion” (sure it’s a calming notion) by whoever it was i forgot, and also the weezers
they’re okay now but really not my cup of tea anymore, i still respect their music because a lot is super catchy but i think i just listened to it way too much lol -
i was also a huge tyler fan this year but i find myself skipping most of his songs now (except for a lot on the igor album) 🙁💔💔
i love david bowie, elton john, billy joel, but ive been drifting toward c418 and tame impala a lot lately above those artists
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