butt baby
- Locked due to inactivity on Mar 23, '22 3:54am
Thread Topic: butt baby
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I feel bad because it's rubbing off on when I see Ethan and I can't really watch him as I usually can
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I know my therapist is right about setting boundaries and stuff but
I still feel like the little girl who didn't have a choice
I still feel like that's not an option
I know I technically do and that I'm not that little girl anymore, but it doesn't feel that way -
I have to go back on Friday until Wednesday
I technically don't "have" to, but it really does feel like I have to. If I don't go I'm afraid it might make her more clingy and attached to my younger brothers. And I feel making her tougher on them is selfish of me. Plus, then they might get angry at me. -
Like
I feel both my parents and my brothers would be mad at me
And I don't know if I can deal with that any better -
And I know I put myself in this situation so I don't have anyone I can blame
It just feels like everything is my fault and I can't really get myself out of the hole I've dug myself into -
And the hole just keeps getting deeper and deeper
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I don't have any friends irl I can have help me get out.
I took too long to fix myself, and before I knew it, it was over two years since we talked.
When I can't keep up with the personality I created around my friends, I run away like a coward until I can be that person again. But I haven't been able to be that "cocky, confident, loudmouth" type. I'm not a genuine person, and when I can't be what I want to be, the whole thing falls apart. -
I'm a fake person. I need to look untouchable. If I think I'm in a state where I can be vulnerable, I run away. I just can't allow my peers to see me as anything but invulnerable. No one wants to be friends with someone like that.
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But I feel people would much rather be with that then whatever the f--- I am.
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I still don't know what exactly I am but I know I don't like it and it got shut out for a reason.
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One half of me does want to learn who I was before I lost it. One half says there's a reason for it being lost and it should stay that way.
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And I'm incapable of making important decisions so I'm stuck in this limbo
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Either decision feels wrong in a way
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Idk when I was talking about scheduling I kinda realized I might be afraid of my mom
I mean it probably seems obvious but I never really connected the dots -
And I'm going back like I said so that sucks
I was so close to not going too, but I couldn't say no so
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