hahaha...
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:34pm
Thread Topic: hahaha...
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Well that is just great.
Whatever.... I can cope by myself....
but Alex, when you come on email me or something like that.. -
Hey so if anyone is taking requests, can I request that you like don't die right now!? Idek if I could take it right now. Okay thanks.
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I made a song request. ^~^
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I saw, give me a couple of days... I don't know if I could posses myself to learn a song right now under the circumstances.
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It's okay. I'll wait.
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Mmkay, thanks...
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No problem.
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^~^
Ha... I am seriously trying really hard to be strong right now, but my strength is really failing. I cried so.hard. last night... I am just a pile of scattered ashes and broke glass that has strong mental willpower and has physiologically convinced itself that is is a indestructible sheet of plexiglass that it's thwarting bullets and could never break even though everything is really already broken, and the bullets didn't even have a chance to reach me before I broke. Still using physiology in myself though, I can't afford to realize that I have already failed... that's right, I haven't failed, I am still thwarting bullets, I am still strong and NOTHING is wrong NOTHING at all.
I am so good at this. -
I am going to go... hopefully I get a chance to talk to SOMEONE sometime soon before I loose my mind, but right now I will settle for finishing rerererereading divergent and possibly finishing rereading pride and prejudice.
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Ouch- I think I just ripped a piece of my soul out. Maybe it wasn't my soul, but whatever it was it it making me anxious as hell. I am going to go again and try to calm myself.
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This is sickening me.....
I don't know if I can handle much more! XD Haha, I am trying really hard to keeps smiling cause I know that today I stop even for a moment I will never smile again. This is getting a little hard to hear... I need someone to lean on right now, but the only people who I can lean on for support are all falling and crumbling to the ground and it is a little hysterical. I mean, every time I run to a duff tent pillar it crumbled underneath my weight and I am afraid to lean on the few remaining.
Whatever, like I said, I can cope on my own. The pain is real but it won't own me, I will just suffer through this. But I can't suffer for long.... I know would I will fall. It is indefinite.
Oh, but hey, umm... if anyone thinks they can help then I would really appreciate some support. -
Okay, so cutting helps. I mean, it helps more than purposefully burning myself did. I know, it isn't a good idea, but it is sorta keeping me sane right now.. it is my my way of taking on everyone's pain, -which I can never seem to do.
I am still oh so c unfixed on the matter of pain... I swear I have read every book and article on philosophical and physical that has eve existed, and now I am still so confused.... all I can do is convince myself that pain doesn't hurt and try to make it hurt. Confusing myself by telling myself something mentally and the Conflicting that physically is really amusing.
Man, if I am going to fall I am going to fall I style okay. I am going to keep smiling and doing half witted things 'till I can't anymore.
Disease often comes with a smiling face- idek what the hell it is that I am doing- but whatever it is, idc how I do it or if I make any sense- this world has lost its value to me and there are only two things that can either fix that, or attempt to temporarily mend it, but sadly I think both are out of reach right now so I guess I will just go Finnish those last few chapters in my book. -
Hehe, sorry if this gets annoying. I have had far too much time to think and now I need to get all my thoughts out somehow. I am the kind of person that likes to confirm my thoughts publicly so that it's sort of what I am doing. It is he only way to get me to evaluate things nowadays since I don't really talk to people irl about these sorts of things anymore.
Tell me if my mental affirmation constructive gets too annoying. -
So sorry.... idek why I even came on today. I honestly didn't have any reason to post all this, in fact I probably shouldn't have. So I am just going to add on to the extensive list of things I have apologized for this week and say sorry. I will try to not come on when I am not needed, and hopefully I am not needed when I can't come on.
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Actually, I am going to say one more thing.
I don't really have much attachment to this site anymore, -as I have stated before- and I need to know if I should even bother coming on. Alexander you were really, honestly, truly the only flipping reason I wanted to stay here and resented all that crap.... but I don't feel like you are here anymore and I swear I have lost my only connection point- imean, you are here, I see you post, but it doesn't hard affect me anymore than seeing a picture of a late relative would. You used to to always tell me that you needed the 'old me' back, and here she is waiting patiently for the person who request her all those centuries ago and she is getting sort of impatient. I have tried, I really have, to stay strong, and to let this person stay in my house, in fact, I am almost afraid to let her leave because she is the only reason I am not lying on the floor after an overdose. But Alexander I am running out of endurance, I can't wait for you to get better and I am too wary to try and help. I just need all of this to be over! I have tried, I stand here as tall as I watch you, and Jozy, and my mother, and my father, and my cousin, and my grandmother all fade out of my existence... it hurts, it really does, no physical pain I have ever inflicted on myself can ever amount to the pain I have endured as I stand here watching everyone I love slowly fade from me. I am for real crying right now, I mean, you should have seen me last night when my dad asked us to pay for my mom who might as well be dying. I wept so hard last night- I can hardly see this screen now because my heart and my eyes are in a blur of melting years that have been waiting to escape for an milenium.
I need you to tell me, do you even f---ing care or am I just wasting my time and energy trying to hold on to something that doesn't care about me anymore,
I need to know soon, if I don't get an answer soon I will let go over everything I love - don't think I can't because I have willpower so strong I could move a mountain if I wanted to- and make my final move to oblivion because I can't take this anymore.
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