hahaha...
- Locked due to inactivity on Aug 4, '16 4:34pm
Thread Topic: hahaha...
-
*sigh* I had to put my plans to buy a real piano on hold because now all the money I save is going to go towards buying a new bed for my parents.
-
-
Do you know what sucks? I can't be weak right now. I want to be weak but I can't... I have to be a pillar for people to lean on, but all I want to do is lean on other pillars...
-
I am sick of people making decisions for me. I am not a helpless clueless little girl who doesn't know how to tell someone something. People keep stating the way I feel about things for me and I am sick of it. I swear if anyone tries to state how I feel about something/one one more time..
. -
Don't tell me that it is alright or that it will be okay. My parents can hardly walk anymore beaver the pain and their suffering is too grest. I was asked to retrieve glasses from my mom's purse and when I did, all is saw was miles and miles of assorted pills and medications lining the inside if her fairly sized purse. If you were to stroll through our house with the intent of seeking out medications then you could probably spot over fifty orange tubed of strong medication and pain reducers in just our kitchen.
I swear I can't loose my parents. If they die I will have nothing restraining me the next time I find myself at Smith Rock, or the next time I stroll across one of my dad's many oxicodine filled tubes that can be found almost anywhere in my house.
My dad can hardly walk, and I can't stand to see him in so much pain.... I have watched him come in and out of the hospital so many times in my life from the intense, unbearable pain he feels from ingesting gluten, or his chrones that is triggered from the gluten or just the unbelievable stress my dad carries with him for his life that makes yours look like a picnic.
And my mom, my sweet, static, saunige mother.... she has gone for so many appointments and treatments, and procedures over the last two weeks that I lost count.... we still haven't the faintest clue what is wrong with her but she just keeps getting warier and warier all the time. She won't-can't quit her job or at least take time off, but she needs to, or she will jut keep declining in health and if she so much as ends up in the hospital- even if it is just for ands few hours- I will stop at no end to hurt myself and I will struggle so hard to fix everything and I will cry so hard and I won't come back up. I will never be able to look at her sunken eyes that were once so vivid and cheerful because when I do, all I can see is the exhausted depression that seeps into her soul and eats at her spark of enthusiasm turning it to a cold, placid, stone that has stricken her down right on the part of her that needs to shine the most.
If things get any worse then you might not see much more of me because I will be striving to get a job and earn as much money as I can so my parents can worry less about finance and possibly take some time off. I really, really, really , can't stand and to watch them like this any longer... it is like this high the pain I felt in March when Alex was depressed and the pain I felt in April when I was depressed combined and topped off with burning ash running through my veins making me unable to move, yet do nothing else but.
And then of course, I still have toe pain of worrying about my cousin who is still I urgent care, my two grandmother, who I will probably never see again, You, and Alex. If you tell me I have no reason to be stressed out then....
*sigh* I am just so tired-wary, of life and trying.
People say I am a fighter and that I am strong, but they are wrong. I am not a fighter, I am merely Beatrice when she attempts loathsome sacrifices to prove herself. Sacrifices l worthless and only the sheltered view of the dauntless viewed as brave- the dauntless's point of view is biased towards their lifestyle, and just like terrorists see no wrong in blowing up buildings, the dauntless can't see the fine line between sacrifice, and wreckless behavior trends that need to be hindered.
But you see, I am also Beatrice in a few other ways. I lead myself unto a unnecessary death because I want to save the world, I need to save the others like me and I won't stand to have them give their life for something I caused. I put myself in a position to be hurt and abused because I think it will safe and fix the life's of everyone else and own up to the guilt I feel over those who I could not save.
But alas, this isn't the end, this is only the beginning. I will survive this, but one day my allegiant will roll around and nothing can break my sealed fate. -
I wrote that yesterday....
-
Sanity is wreckless, I would much rather have the sound security of insanity.
-
I just found some song lyrics I was constructing a few weeks ago, I look at them now and then still look really good so I am going to go work in them. (Not to mention the fact that I can hardly type because my palms are sweaty and they are slurring all over my keyboard.
-
It's funny I'm so broken and I can't see,
My window is clouded with this guilt that's killing me,
I look for hope, I know it's there,
Holding back this despair,
I wonder what happened to what used to be.
Looking inbetween the glimpses, underneath the inches,
Back past this reality, it isn't my mentality to keep living for what's not there.
Eyes darting from this forety, what happened to what used to be,
Tell me, are you still there,
The last time I saw you I said it would only be a moment, I guess pleasure is a snare,
Life without you is torment, tell me do you still care.
I say it will fix itself, it will resuscitate my health
But reality my dream and fiction is the beam made out of lead.
Looking inbetween the glimpses, underneath the inches,
Back past this reality, it isn't my mentality to keep living for what's not there.
Eyes darting from this forety, what happened to what used to be,
Tell me, are you still there,
Do you care, (I still care) are you there, (I am air) can you see me, (can I see you) do you exist, (am I just sick,) will you find me (should I seek you)
What should I do
Looking inbetween the glimpses, underneath the inches,
Back past this reality, it isn't my mentality to keep living for what's not there.
Eyes darting from this forety, what happened to what used to be,
Tell me, are you still there,
It's funny, I am so broken and I can't see.
But you can help me.
This whole thing is a mystery, all we have is past history.
But history is just visionary to our broken eyes,
It's like I know the truth an where to find it, but my feet are plagued with doubts and fear.
I need your hand to be guide me, so come near and aid my blindness
Tell me, are you still there -
That probably sucked, but it is a glimpse of my soul, and y'know, I have a screwed up soul so it just shows you more of this mess.
Pages:
- 1
- 2
This thread is locked, therefore no new posts can be made.
