Tell me if you like this.

  • Locked due to inactivity on Dec 31, '16 3:54am

Thread Topic: Tell me if you like this.

  • User Experienced
    EmilyAnn ran across the garden toward Peach Lane. The sky was a sparkly blue and the flowers were as colorful and pretty as rainbows. The sun shown down on EmilyAnn face. As she ran out of the garden and onto the lane, she saw a big group of childeren gawking and gasping in the town square.

    "Amazing!" said one.

    "Unbelievable!" claimed another. ,right in the middle of the square was a large golden pool. Inside the pool were some strange looking shapes that looked like fish. Put the fish had faces like humans! And hair like humans too! Could it be? Were they mirmaids. This is my first story so be nice. But be honest too. Rate from 1-10.
  • User Experienced
    Soo, do you like it?
  • avatar
    begg18 Junior
    10
  • avatar
    1714 Senior
    f--- your story :p
  • User Experienced
    Whatever. You can't write.

    Thanks begg!
  • avatar
    IHLAOY Advanced
    It sucked.
  • User Experienced
    Ok, then tell me what was wrong with it!
  • avatar
    Saara_K Novice
    Uhm...
    1. Unrealistic
    2. Spelling mistakes
    3. Children don't "gawk"
    4. It doesn't fit together
    5. It just simply doesn't make sense
  • avatar
    It doesn't fit well. It's not a good set up? It sounds like a less experienced writer trying to describe my little pony but in a basic dash ion if you understand what I'm saying? What I'm getting at is maybe should tone it down a bit, make it longer, give the characters more depth before going into the thing about mermaids.
    The description of the mermaids just didn't seem ...good?
  • avatar
    IHLAOY Advanced
    Eh, sure, why not, I have time. Fun fact, I had a list of everything you did wrong, but got to number two, and realized there was so little to review about that I scrapped it.

    Invest in a spell checker. They come free with every online browser except Explorer, and if you're using Internet Explorer, stop. The only thing Internet Explorer is good for is being personified in the form of a little pony. Also get some grammar lessons, those can't hurt either. And proofread your story at least once before hitting that submit button. You're telling me you can take however long it took to write it, but you can't take an extra two minutes to actually read it?

    The biggest problem with this 'story' is that it's just nothing. It's two paragraphs of 'character goes to place, sees thing.' Where's the conflict? Nothing f---ing happens in the story. We don't even see the character's reaction to thing. We literally don't even find out what the thing is! For all we know, it could just be a dead body.

    A story needs conflict, it thrives on it. There's just nothing here, I'm struggling to even call it a story. There's no characters, there's no world, there's no problem, it's literally 'oh look, mermaids. The End.'

    Can you imagine if Lord of the Rings was like this? 'Oh look, a ring. The End.'

    Give Emily-Ann a problem (she can't see the mermaids, she's allergic to mermaids, she must kill all the mermaids,) have her overcome it (she climbs a tree, she takes her allergy medicine, she electrocutes the water,) THEN we can call it a story. Not before.

    And once you do, it might actually be long enough for me to start criticizing other things. Like prose! Or Show and Tell! Or characters! Or world building! There's an endless supply of things for you to f--- up, I can't wait.
  • User Experienced
    Ok..... How bout a list of everything I did right?
  • avatar
    IHLAOY Advanced
    Oh, um, a...a list of what you did right?
    I suppose you...I mean, maybe if you...surely there's something...um...

  • avatar
    1714 Senior
    I liked your existence for only a split second?
  • avatar
    1714 Senior
    That's something you did right, right?

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