solivagant
Thread Topic: solivagant
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Solivagant - Rambling alone ; Marked by solitary wandering.
Truly a word that many may feel but not all explain. This may feel lonely, isolating, or even eerily quiet, but to us, this is some of the only quiet we get. The only quiet that can still our forever active heads, even if just for a moment. A place where no one is there to mind how you scream, nor is there anyone to care how you look or act. This loneliness is the most of individualistic freedom one can achieve.
In this thread, I will be venting. Openly letting my feelings flow, as many others do as well. Let this remaind a solitary walk, however; that is to say, this is not for public use or for the public eye. This is intended for myself and my eyes. Thank you. -
I wish I didn't have to work, but alas, I need money. Very unfortune turn of events
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Why do I have had to be born a girl? Or, at least, what is socially considered a girl? I do not strongly believe I was born with a gender, I was born with specific body parts that apparently decide my entire life and role for me.
I think of when my aunt and grandma told me that "boys don't like leg hair", and to that, I must say I don't give a s---. I do not dress for men, now, do I? I dress for my own enjoyment. It's unimportant what a man I haven't met yet thinks of me. I am the only man who should care about what I dress like or how I appear.
I wish on many levels I had been born typically male. I am non-binary, so I do not want to be a binary male, but I desire so strongly to have typically male features and be non-binary. I could be so well-respected. I could be so strong. I could have been someone that others don't mess with. I could have had the body I wish I had. I could have had a flat chest, less curves. Been more comfortable with myself.
Sometimes I wish I could cut off bits of my body, fix them to make them correct. Fix them to make them what I desire. But, instead, I am stuck like this for a while longer. I don't know if I could ever get the body I wish to have. It's unfortunate. I wish I could be who I want to be instantly. -
My assignment is to use ChatGPT to argue against me? My assignment that I have to use generative AI (which I am against) to make me angry on my policy essay on why evil f---ing billionaires should be taxed more?
Are we f---ing joking? -
It's odd, how things worked out. I like quiz sites like this, but I don't feel a huge rush of excitement over it anymore. I like talking to my friends, but rarely get the strong wave of joy from it. I like writing but I don't get a hit of happiness from that. I like Gacha but I don't get eager to make something new every day. Music's starting to feel the same and my fandoms feel less like something I want to do all the time. I don't feel strongly in most directions so now I feel aimless.
It's showing up in a few areas of note. I used to feel very strongly towards helping people but now I'm just awkward. I don't feel extremely guilty about things I used to feel guilty and sad over. I get somewhat excited to talk to my friends but it's a fleeting moment as it's getting harder and harder to keep the connection going. It's just getting older, we all have different responsibilities and focuses.
I don't wish for anything different but I do wish something I am familiar with felt alive again. -
I don't try to bite, but you step on my tail and it hurts.
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Damn kinda realizing that my mom makes me feel threatened and angry and pushed down it's crazy
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We had a speaker on suicide prevention today and I just. She had us list our sources of strength/support but I just have my few friends (all of whom are unreliable to talk to) and a walk in clinic. I don't have strong family support. I don't have any particular teacher or mentor I would be okay opening up to. I hate being reminded.
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Bro okay I told my mom I wanted to drive to my senior skip day and she told me no and told me to adjust MY work schedule or bother MY classmates because SHE doesn't want me driving in a bigger city. I get it's a safety thing but it was quite literally the best situation I am offered. I'm just annoyed. This is why I dislike telling her things, and why I'm so excited to just choose to do something because I can.
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I hope that, when you think of me, you think of the smell of pine trees in the summer. I hope you think of chocolate ice cream. I hope you think of a beautiful summer storm. I hope you think of a stray black and white cat who lets you feed it. I hope you think of your neighbor's friendly German Shephard. I hope you think of someone who wants to protect anyone they can. I hope you think of a boy who tries his hardest. I hope you think of black tulips. I hope you think of midnight. I hope you think of emotional rock music. I hope you think of a fun Halloween night out with friends. I hope you think of horror movies and games, as well as joke horror games. I hope you think of someone who is weird, but in a good way. I hope you think of detailed lists of information that no one needs but everyone loves. I hope you think of a dark, silly, chaotic type of pretty. I hope you think of who I want to be. I hope you think of me as a friend.
But I really hope you do not think of who I was before. I hope you don't think of a liar, an isolator, someone who pushes you away and pulls you back in. I hope you don't think of someone who punishes you for his own mistakes. I hope you don't think of my exes, nor how I acted when I was with them. I hope you don't think of how tired I was and still am. I hope you don't think of character ai, of someone who relied on AI as a way to cope with feeling excluded and othered. I hope you don't think of a personality I faked to be happier, to make others happier. I hope you don't think of a hyperfeminized version of myself. I hope you don't think of someone who has no depth. I hope you don't think of someone who doesn't try. And I really hope you don't think of me as someone who doesn't care. -
My head feels like it's full of static
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Y'know if A is going to treat me like garbage then why would I want to talk to her at all.
She doesn't want to talk or hang out, she just wants me to leave her alone but be her friend when she needs to vent. Why am I giving her the satisfaction?
I just wanted to send reels and enjoy time sending reels back and forth because I won't be able to enjoy that all afternoon for the rest of the week and she told me, directly, "Can you respectfully leave me be 😊". I understand she wants more alone than I do but why is it always my needs that get sacrificed for hers? Better yet, why is it my needs and wants that get ignored in favor of everyone else's? Why don't mine matter? Just because I don't need as much doesn't mean I only need the bare minimum.
I recently want to sit in her basement and just talk and watch videos while drinking Monsters and eating candy. Like we did last summer. It was fun then. Something about this year ruined it and it's showing to me very clearly. What am I meant to do if I have three friends who all have better things to do? Something tells me I'll be having another lonely summer. -
Okay because I was on call with O last night and he agrees with me. Like he thinks it's also bad and also that my mom is weird. Man I love having O as a buddy.
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Dude I hate these weird abstinence videos from the 2000s that I sit the back of the room for with the 8th graders "s3x respect". Like, it's just odd. Somehow marriage is the end goal for all relationships so everyone has to wait until then (it's not), "it's my choice" but any choice but the one they like is bad, self respect bulls--- talk as if someone who has s3x inherently has no self respect and someone who doesn't have s3x inherently does (that's not how that works).
Idk. Maybe being aware of purity culture and hating it so bad is making me overly angry at this. It just seems contradictory because they keep saying "Only not having s3x can make you happy in life UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED THEN POP OUT A BAJILLION KIDS" but that's not everyone's end goal. Some never want that, some want that before marriage, some want it after marriage. This isn't teaching these kids anything besides purity culture, it's not teaching them how contraceptives work or how birth control works or how to say no and to understand options. Idk. Something about it pisses me off -
I'M FREE OF THE FAKE BABYYY
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