Haru's Journey
Thread Topic: Haru's Journey
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My name is Haru, 22 years old in a few weeks.
I've been on Gotoquiz for almost 6 years. A lot has happened since I first came here. I was 16 when I found this place. I was lonely and felt trapped. I'd been depressed for years and undiagnosed. I was groomed by a user who is no longer here when I was 17, and I was manipulated to leave home without any idea how to be an adult. My relationship with my family has been broken since, but in the time away from home, I've been diagnosed and put on medication and sent to therapy. I've also graduated high-school and am now in college. I eventually returned to my family, feeling defeated, as I was unable to take care of myself. I've had my job ever since I left home, and I'm proud of myself for still keeping it despite the trials and bullying I've faced while working here.
My current struggle is that I've not been able to work as often as I would like to because I haven't been emotionally stable enough to handle working full-time. As a result, I'm behind on bills. Still, I believe I've made some progress in my life.
I'm currently diagnosed with bipolar 1, generalized anxiety, PTSD, depression, and have an unspecified dissociative disorder that's being looked into. Therapy has made my life a little easier, and the medicine has really helped stabilize my mood, even though I had to go to the hospital several times last year.
I'm going back to school on the 3rd of May. I'm looking forward to working towards my degree so I can become a veterinarian.
This will be my vent thread and life tracker for 2025. -
I have to take my 2 year degree before I transfer to a university so that my college report looks good. I want to make sure there's no chance of getting turned down again, so I sadly have to attend community college until then, and I'll probably have to take all my classes online since I can't afford to get there in person. I only wonder if my parents are proud of me.
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Especially my dad. He never really says that he loves me, but I assume he does. I don't ask. But hearing it would be nice sometimes. I just require encouragement and validation sometimes, and it really means a lot coming from my parents. It means I'm doing a good job and I'm not a failure of a child.
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I want to try to work more, but I also haven't been able to withstand more than 5 hours and three days a week. This is why I applied for disability. But I need to work more so I can pay off my bills and have a comfortable amount. It's really hard right now.
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04/14/2025
Today, I woke up with a cold. It's not too bad since I can still breathe and my throat is still usable. But the headache is really bad. I've been sidelined all day, glued to my bed. I haven't even been moving around as much as I do on a regular day. I feel miserable. Fatigue is beating me down and this headache is messing with my eyes. I'm going to try to go in to work tomorrow because I need the money. I've been hydrating and drinking a lot of orange juice. There really isn't much else I can do. I hope I feel better by the end of the week, but for now, I just want to rest. -
4/21/2025
Nothing's really happened. I had the flu for the past week and I'm just feeling better today. I worked on my story today, so that's cool. My birthday is so close. I asked my dad if we could go bowling earlier on. I wonder if he'll take me. I really want to go bowling with my family. I love bowling. I didn't realize this until an outing while I was at residential last year. I get to go back to work tomorrow. I mean, I worked on Friday, but it felt like he'll because I was still sick. So I get to go back to work and work like a normal person tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out how to change my work-life routine so that my rest is restful when I get home from work. My dad says if I can figure that out, then I won't get burned out from work, then I'll be able to work more hours.
I've been doing a lot of drawing lately. I made several pictures and posted them to an art thread here. I'm thinking about opening a new DeviantArt and posting my art again.
I have a rekindled interest in Miraculous now, but I'm too overwhelmed to get back into it because of how much I've missed.
I guess I don't have any real news to report here. Hm. I hope people remember my birthday this time. I have their numbers, so they better call me this time /hj. -
04/28/2025
Okay, okay, okay,
I got banana socks on, like, could I get any cuter
Hey, world. I'm back. Don't mind the quote from one of my favorite songs. Yesterday was my birthday. I got to play Super Smash Bros Ultimate all day with my family, and boy did I cook. I lost not a single match. And when we played teams, I carried. I felt pretty good about my skills. I'm a little bummed out that my brother didn't call me for my birthday, though. It's a bit upsetting because he does it for the rest of them. But, who cares, I guess. My dad said he's going to get my a ticket to Super Smash Con for my birthday once they release tickets, so I'm super excited to go this year. I'm going to dress as Ren Amamiya and I'm going to be out in public as one of my favorite characters. It's going to be so cool. I'll also probably get to find mentors there and compete in a tournament. I'm very passionate about Super Smash Bros and want to compete professionally one day. I need to work on my fan art so I can get someone to sign it. I'm gonna save up so I can buy a lot of merch. I want August to hurry up and get here. I can't wait to hold the ticket in my hands.
Aside from that, nothing's really been happening. I've been going to work. Maybe if I wait long enough, something interesting will happen in the more immediate future.
Oh, financial aid finally kicked in, so I can take my classes now. I'll be starting one in three weeks.
Switches have been kept to a minimum. Only a few have occurred. Willow and someone else has been present briefly, but I can't remember the other person.
I've been getting annoyed at the sight of a certain newbie here. They called me weird yesterday, so I told them to f--- off. 🥰
I was literally just minding my business and journaling. I swear, some of these folks just be doing random s--- like NPCs. Griefing IRL.
Idc.
As long as they stay tf away from me. -
04/30/2025
Nothing eventful has happened today. I was off from work. Didn't do much. I went to the store. My new controller came in today. Didn't really like it, tho. It's too sensitive for my liking, but I gotta learn how to use it cause it's the only one allowed for the Smash tournament. Oh well.
These newbies are starting to bother me. It got to the point where it triggered a switch. I'm so tired of that one particular newbie that just keeps spamming threads and invading when they know they've been told to leave. It's exhausting and infuriating to see this happening. Now they said they're just going to make another profile and do it all over again. Yeah, good luck with that, dude. Everyone will know it's you. I'm pretty tired of your actions and frankly, everyone else here is too. -
The situation has been taken care of, thankfully, but now the body feels restless.
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I'm really struggling right now. I'm having really bad intrusive thoughts. I was sitting in bed listening to music when my brain said "I want to delete myself". Now I feel scared and keep getting thoughts like those.
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05/1/2025
I went to work today. It was fairly stressful. I got in trouble for telling a customer I wouldn't sell him out of date food. My boss said it was strictly the policy and I was right in that sense, but you never say no to a customer. I find it stupid that we're given these policies and beaten over the head to memorize them just to get chewed out by management when we follow them. When I returned home, I rested in bed for approximately two hours before scrolling on Facebook and proceeding to play Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for half an hour or so. But somethings off. I'm having intrusive thoughts yet again, I'm completely drained, and my mood is in the negatives. I'm not sure how to handle this situation, but while we're here, I'd like to log another switch. Needless to say, this occured some time when the intrusive thoughts began. Maybe a night of sleep will cure me, but then I worry about tomorrow and weeks from now, when I have to work 8-hour shifts again. -
05/02/2025
I went to work today. It was tiring and rough just being there, even though nothing in particular happened. I feel horrible guilt over things I shouldn't. It's been weighing me down. And now I also have anxiety from things my mind has tried to block out of my memory, but the feeling is still there. I just want to rot away in bed now, but that's not really an option for now. And I don't feel like doing anything with my weekend. I'm just too down. I've been having low self-esteem, no self-confidence, and very little motivation to do anything. I judge my own actions every second of the day. I don't even want to eat, I feel so upset. Honestly, after today, I just want to die. I'm not okay. I just don't want to exist. I feel so disgusted with myself because I can't forgive myself for the smallest things, and even if it wasn't my fault, I still hold it against myself. I don't feel like I deserve anything, so I've been feeling down since my birthday. I momentarily get excited for something, and then it's followed by guilt, shame, and wondering how much of it I really deserve. I don't know why I'm being so hard on myself, but it feels like that's all I can do. And being stuck thinking about the future isn't helping either. I feel generally ill. I just don't want to be here. I hate myself. -
Depressive episode after mania confirmed. I regret everything I did when I was feeling up. I bought a bunch of things, did a bunch of things, asked for more work hours and now I'm f---ed. I hate myself, I want to dissolve into nothing, I feel guilty for buying things, and I regret asking for more work hours. Now I'm stuck with the consequences and can't back out of longer work days. It's over. It hit so hard yesterday. I was doing well, in my mind, when it was just a high period. Then I suddenly wanted to die. I suddenly had intrusive thoughts telling me to get rid of myself. I suddenly had guilt over everything I do. I suddenly had restless sleep and no motivation to do anything. I feel like it's my fault in some way or another. I quietly feel like I probably need to go into treatment because I can feel myself spiraling and I don't want it to get to bad, but oh wait. I asked for more f---ing hours at work, so I can't miss that! I hate myself for thinking that I could even do this and now I'm stuck with it. I don't even want to be here.
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Apparently didn't even care how i was feeling, so that's cool. Said all that for nothing. Any sort of help or reassurance would've been nice. I really just want to die right now. When I look for help, it's not there. When I don't, people lecture me on how I'm not doing enough to help myself.
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Why the f--- am I even alive? What do I hope to accomplish? And of course now I'm hungry. It's too late to eat.
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